Teens & Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Teens & Love
8
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 12:10pm
My DD will be 17 next month and has been dating her boyfriend for 7 months now. I think they revolve their lives around each other too much. I try to encourage time with friends or in groups butthat doesn't always happen. Last night I found a note lying on the floor. She was in the rooms so I just looked to see who it was to and then at the bottom of the note to see who it was from. My DD had written I love you so much! I guess it's normal to feel like you love someone like that but it worries me as a mom that they might be getting too emotionally committed for their age. Neither one is emotionally ready for that. I have told her in the past that those words shouldn't be used lightly and should be for someone really special one day. Should I just blow it off as teenage love?
Thanks!
Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: rue_16
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 2:12pm
I have two teens who are "in love" for the past 9-10 months. I really do think they are in love. At times, I have tried to break things up, get them do do other things, etc. but it really doesn't work. My DD (16) is very devoted to her BF and wants to spend every free moment with him. DS (15) on the other hand, can go days without seeing his GF but they talk on the phone alot. I've decided to let things just go as they are. Maybe things will fizzle out after awhile or maybe they won't. Wish I had a crystal ball. I do believe they are learning about relationships... what they like, what they don't like, how to stand up for themselves. We have some discussions about things.. acceptable ways to talk to each other, respect, loyalty, happiness, goals. Time will tell, but my opinion is that the girls are more willing to go to great lengths to stay with the guy. If she wanted to give up the relationship, it would just be over; if the guy wanted to give it up, the girl would bend over backward to keep things together. Therefore, I am ready to be a shoulder to cry on, if necessary.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-1999
In reply to: rue_16
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 3:16pm

I have a very outgoing dd who is 16, and she and her friends use the "I love you" saying alot. Not just with female friends, but male friends as well. I am not as comfortable with it either, but I think it is just how they relate to each other.

L & H,
Angie (mom to ds 18, dd 16, b/g twins 4)


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Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: rue_16
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 5:45pm

Falling in love isn't limited to those who are emotionally mature. If it was, then we would have fewer divorces. I think this is an important stage of development for teens and while I don't like it, I can't stop it from happening. I would focus on trying to get your DD to maintain a separate part of her life, to keep up with the activities she did before they "fell in love" and this is no time to be afraid of having the safe sex conversation with your DD. I used the safe sex = no sex theory but my kids didn't buy this one and so I refreshed my knowledge of birth control.

I preach to my kids that they need to grow up themselves before they commit to anyone forever. Not an easy conversation to get across when they are 17. My kids know I fell in love at 17 and I'm still in love with DH 32 years later. They never believed me when I tell them it would have been so much easier if I had grown up first before getting married at 19. The only smart thing I did was not have kids for 5 yrs and even that wasn't my decision. It took me 3 yrs to get pregnant that goodness! Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: rue_16
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 6:10pm

I think that "teenage love" is valid love. I remember being in love with my HS bf...and it was the real thing for my level of maturity at that time. We both recognized that we were not ready for marriage then or any time soon but I don't think that made our love any less real. As I got older and more mature I naturally found out that love could be more. I had 2 more serious bf's that I loved (but fortunately realized that marriage would not work with either of them), and dated a bunch of guys less seriously, before I met my dh, with whom I will be married for 28 years next week. I feel like each of those loves prepared me in some way for "the one".

I do think it is important to keep encouraging your dd to keep up the rest of her life and friends beyond the bf, and to discuss when sex is appropriate in a relationship, and for you to try to see this love as a learning experience on the way to meeting her life mate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: rue_16
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 6:44pm

Nearly 4 years ago, my DS's MIL could have written your letter!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rue_16
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 8:52am

"Should I just blow it off as teenage love?"

Is teenage love any less significant than adult love? I don't think so.

I think you should help your dd create an even balance between her time spent with BF and time spent with her friends. But I also think that you should respect the fact that right now your dd is truly feeling love for this BF. And, personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Both my dd's have BF's, my 18dd for over a year and my 16 for about 7 months. I always hear them say "I love you" before hanging up and I think it's nice that they can express what they feel to one another rather than being afraid or doubting thier own feelings.

Dating at this stage is what prepares them for later on, isn't it? Why squelch that?

Your dd is almost 17 and you've obviously given her permission to date and you're okay with the BF. IMO, I think she probably knows how she feels about BF and if she's calling it 'love' than that's her perogative. I think your main concern about seeing friends is very important - I'd focus on that moreso and stop worrying about the 'I love you' stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
In reply to: rue_16
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 9:41am

I'm chiming in to agree with the other posters. The definition of love changes as we mature. My 14 year old perpetually-boy-crazy dd has been "in love" (whether or not the object of her affections returned the feeling or even knew if she existed....) several times now.

Her current "bf" (who she sees about every two weeks in our no-place-to-hide house) has a blog in which he states in one entry: "quick - call the cops. someone has stolen my heart. and who stole the stars from the sky and put them in her eyes?" She couldn't wait to show this to me and I was proud of myself for not laughing! He lives 20 miles away, they talk on the phone, hold hands on our couch and have probably managed to squeeze in a couple of kisses... yet they are "in love".

These feelings are very real to them. They are - literally - learning to love.

Oh, and it is also very common for them to toss the "L" word around when it comes to friends. I hear dd say "I love you" to friends all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2006
In reply to: rue_16
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 9:54am
I agree with the others. This is important time for them to develop emotionally and learn about love. It is real and part of becoming a young adult. Remember being 17? Your emotions of love were very real.