Teen's school apathy
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Teen's school apathy
| Fri, 09-15-2006 - 10:26am |
I'm concerned about my 15YO DD's lack of concern over schoolwork. It seems that if she thinks an assignment is boring or stupid, she simply refuses to do it. Her grades are suffering. She didn't do a science project due today, consequently is grounded over the weekend in order to complete that and some other missing assignments.
What has and hasn't worked in your households to encourage studying/schoolwork?
I'm kind of stumped. I can't force her to do the work, but she doesn't seem to care about the negative consequences. Do I shut down her social life until the grades pull up?
WWYD?
worriedma

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That seems to be a common problem at 15. Their social life really vaults to #1 on the priority list and school plummets to the bottom.
I did a couple of things with DD that made a huge difference. I literally called the school every Fri and found out from her teachers what work she didn't turn in or did poorly on. Then she wasn't allowed out of the house (no cell phone or computer either) until it was completed to my satisfaction. It didn't matter to me if the teachers accepted the work or not b/c it was about her learning the material & I made that clear to her. She gradually learned that it was easier to face the new material if she had actually learned the previous stuff - what an amazing concept!! I started this around Nov of sophomore year and she literally didn't get to do anything for the few days of Christmas break b/c of a mythology project she didn't take very seriously. Once it was completed to my satisfaction, she was allowed to begin her Christmas break. After that, she really got the message and her grades began to improve (along with her social life).
Second thing I did with DD was to have her tested for a learning disability. This was done at her request b/c she felt that something wasn't right. I had known for years that she had ADD but up until high school she had always been an A & B student without much struggle so I didn't see the need for medication. But then the material got harder and teachers expect them to begin to take more initiative and learn some things on their own. She just couldn't do this. So she was tested and put on ADD medication. This was done late (May) of her sophomore year.
She was a straight A honor student her jr and sr years. Last summer she commented to me several times that she would have scholarship money if she had actually cared during her freshman and sophomore years. She conviently forgot that she failed to turn in the scholarship application by the deadline (she's not perfect - LOL).
Good Luck!
I put my parents trhough the same thing in high school. The tried everything - grounding, weekly progress reports, my dad even follwoed me around school a few times! Oddly enough, what seemed to be the most effective was giving me a little bit of space. I ended up failing one class my freshman year and had to make it up during summer school; allowing the natural consequences to happen as they would worked. I couldn't be angry at my parents for bugging me about my grades, because, well, they weren't. It was all on me, and after some initially horrible grades, they picked up and by the time I graduated I averaged over a 3.0 GPA.
It might not work for everyone, but that's what worked with me.
Good luck!
Sara
One thing I've tried with my DD when she says and assignment is "stupid" or "boring" or a teacher is boring is to agree with her. In 7th grade she had a horrendously boring French teacher, and at Open School Day I sat through a sleep-inducing lesson, and then said to my DD "You're right. She's as boring as watching paint dry." Boy does that ever throw her for a loop - not fighting about it LOL.
BUT, both my DH and I have said to her (starting in 5th or 6th grade), there are times in life when you have to work with someone who you don't particularly like, or do something that's not your favorite thing (you think I LOVE doing laundry? Or doing the billing for my job?), and part of getting along is just doing it. Tough, if it's not your favorite thing. You just have to do it. Then, when that stuff is done, you get to do the fun stuff you really want to do!
I think this has empowered her to see that it's in her control, that it's not a conspiracy to drive teenagers nuts, and that there are ways to cope. How do you handle things that you don't like to do? Can you give her examples?
Just punishment doesn't work. Kids just learn to hunker down and take the punishment, but they don't learn how to avoid the punishment the next time. And you have to keep punishing more and more to make the point. UGH, that's no fun for anyone!
HTH
Sue
I wish I knew what would work w/ my DSD, who is a junior. Freshman year she started skipping classes and ended up failing math, so last year, she had to take a 2nd math class that is supposed to help kids pass the test that is required for graduation from h.s. The test is just English & math and it's given in 10th grade so that if they fail, they have more chances to pass before graduation. We haven't gotten the results yet cause it was done at the end of the year. I actually don't know what her grades were last year because (surprise!) her report card never came in the mail, even though my DD got hers. My DH called the school several times and I guess he finally (like last week?) saw the report card on line, so she did pass, but I have no idea what her grades were. I don't want to ask. It's kind of a sensitive area because my DD is a senior and is taking much harder classes and is still in the top 10% of the class, so I don't want to seem like I'm comparing.
That being said, I have never had to encourage or make my DD do homework. She is like I was--I just wanted to do well in school. My DSD used to do well in school before h.s. so I don't believe she has any learning disabilities. I think she is either lazy, just wanting to do the minimum to pass or apathetic.
She doesn't have that much of a social life, so it's hard to punish her by making her not go out. She might go to a movie on a Friday night, but she's content to spend the rest of the weekend in her room. so that's not much of a threat. Her dad did make a rule about doing all hw before watching TV or doing other stuff. She will say all the hw is done by the time we get home from work, but who knows? I don't think he looks at it. Our hs does give progress reports midway in the term, so kids who aren't doing well have a chance to bring up their work before the grades come out.
Other than that, he is kind of a nag. I don't think that helps at all. She mentioned that she has a project in history where they have to think up some kind of invention w/ a partner. They don't actually have to build it. I guess it's just theoretical. So now he starts to bug her about what she has done on this project even though she told him that it's an in-class assignment. Sigh!
This girl has said recently that she wants to be a teacher. I don't know what she's thinking of but the reality is that with 2 years of bad grades (some were good) and no outside activities, I doubt she will even get into college. Maybe she can go to a community college and if she does well, then transfer into state university.
“Do I shut down her social life until the grades pull up?”
YES! Absolutely shut it down!
I have had the same problem with my son. He is almost 15.
He cares so much about his social life, his friends, his clothes, his phone, the computer….but not school.
What I have done this year is really become strict with him. Before school even started this year I told him I was going to really monitor his school work. So he was warned.
I have taken away his cell phone. And his computer use. He is so into clothes this year. And he is in to hats. So…I have taken away his hats, and a few of the shirts her cares so much about. He gets them back after a few days of showing me he can get busy with his school work. Basically he can ear them back.. You HAVE to have Severe consequence .
I know this may sound silly…..but you need to find out what is important to your daughter. Even if you don’t understand the importance to her. Then….take it away! Make her earn it back. And be consistent and hard if you have to. Get tough. School is so important and at this age (high school) they really do not have time to screw up and get bad grades.
I also check his backpack and binder every day. Also, I email his teachers and communicate to them that I want to know what is going on in the class. I want to know if my son he talking and wasting time or working hard. And the teachers really are thankful for that.
That way…..my son knows that I know what he is doing in class when I am not there. The teachers or my eyes!
Good Luck!
Being overly strict works really well with some kids, and completely backfires with others. It gets to a point where they figure, I have nothing left to lose, so why do I care? and then the real trouble begins. Not saying it will happen, but I've seen it many times before.
Also, about school being really important...
Of course it's important, but colleges really pay very little attention to freshman and sophmore year grades as long as they're passing. Moreover, if grades are bad at progress reports or quarter, there is always time for them to be brought up. While it is frustrating and disappointing, in all reality, a D or C in freshman science doesn't really have lasting consequences.
Best of luck!
It is about 1:30 am in the morning and I am awake because I'm having anxiety over DS15 and the same situation. Apathy is such a good word. I received a progress report to let me know DS has a high "D" right now in a math class. Not a surprise really, because he studies so little and has such a nonchalant attitude toward school.
Computer is the only thing important to him--he has friends at school but is not social (except on the phone and internet), but only the computer and video games are really important. Already I monitor the time he is allowed and use it as a way to try to discipline, but it is all I have to go with.
I have 2 older DS (now 33 and 26 so they are quite a bit older) and NEVER had a problem because they were very self-directed and self-motivated. I didn't realize how lucky I was.
I'm not sure how I will handle this, but I have to admit it helps to realize that there are others dealing with the same thing, and it seems especially at the same age. I hadn't been this site for a while, but was looking for something to help me. How strange that this was the last topic discussed when I came to the Parents of Teens board. I don't have any more answers, but, somehow, I do feel a bit better.
So I guess I will say, "Thanks," and try to get some sleep now :)
“but colleges really pay very little attention to freshman and sophmore year grades as long as they're passing.”
“in all reality, a D or C in freshman science doesn't really have lasting consequences.”
gennasmomma...why in the world would you think such a thing? Who told you this? Do you have teens in high school right now?
These statements are absolutely NOT true and I hope no one reads them and believes them!
Maybe years ago colleges did not pay little attention to freshman and sophomore grades, but not in todays world! Some are so competitive that they will even look at 8th grade.
It would be very hard for a student to for to a good college with c and d in the first two years of high school, even if the grades were A the rest of the years.
I am astonished that a parent would even think such a thing! And then post such an Inaccurate statement!
I guess I'd have to ask what the definition of a "good" college is... Ivy League?
Sure, if the end goal is Princeton, all the grades will matter, as will extra curriculars. But frankly, Ivy League schools are not the goal for most students.
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