Terrified, seeing ds for first time since May

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Terrified, seeing ds for first time since May
14
Tue, 12-14-2010 - 3:11pm

On the 19th (this coming Sunday) I will take my dd13 out to meet her dad in Kansas at the halfway meeting place, and my middle ds has agreed to ride along and meet with me to say hello and such. I'm planning on bringing his birthday gift and a Christmas present along, but other than that I don't know what to say to him. I have a huge knot in my stomach.

Part of me wants to confront my ex face to face as to why he purchased our ds yet another video game for his birthday instead of paying for the alternative school, so that he can go back to school, tell him he has 30 days to get him in school or I'm taking legal action, I still have residential custody and I never signed for ds to drop out. I have also offered to pay for this school.

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Sat, 12-18-2010 - 12:38pm
I'm in this line.
Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Sat, 12-18-2010 - 10:39am

A letter 'sometime' might be a good idea.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sat, 12-18-2010 - 10:28am


Great Post Fullmom, great idea with a letter to take, I hope Jakesmom gets to see this before she goes.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Sat, 12-18-2010 - 9:53am

I've read with great interest you going to see your son for first time in a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 7:24pm

Cat...As parents we do the best we can and yes teens have a mind of their own, each wired a different way. I have to tell you Cat, that the many individuals I work with, some are gentlemen who have been in prison. I talk often to one in his words has spent the majority of his life in prison and homeless shelters. Ironically, his own father was on the opposite side as a Warden for more than 30 years. As he tells me, he always had a loving, stable family, and still does to this day.

Some things I've learned for addiction counseling and as a parent who deals with a child that uses to self-medicate, there are

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 11:05am

Oh Cat - I'm sorry. I know you've had your challenges with your ds. I never doubted for a minute the depth of your love for him, however. My boys, especially Justin, have done stupid things that could definitely have gotten them in legal trouble if they would have been caught. As I've said before - I firmly believe that we all do the best we can to raise our kids into productive members of society. Unfortunately, though, they do have minds of their own and kids have this bad habit of thinking they need to learn from their own mistakes as opposed to ours!

My boys were actually very compliant/easy during their young teens and when I saw some of the things some of their peers were doing/experimenting with/etc. I was probably one of those that shook my head and said to myself 'geesh - what kind of parents would let their kid do this/go there/hang with those people'. Once Jason's senior year hit and then with Justin's early college fiasco - I definitely got knocked off my high horse!

You hang in there, Cat, and thanks for sharing. I'm glad that despite everything you've been able to keep a relationship with your ds and that you are close.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 10:28am
Thank you.

We met on another board. My son is now 21 and in prison for drugs. That's why I reached out to you, because it wasn't hard to see the pain you've been going through. And your posts touched me.

DS's and my relationship isn't strained at the moment, but I didn't have a drivers' license or i.d. to go visit until recently.

Pam, you asked recently about my son and I didn't respond for what I think are obvious reasons. As you remember, I've been on this board since he was 14, and there are many judgements made when a child goes wrong. I'm sure Sabr could give you a graph of everything I did wrong, but I tried very hard, and I love my son very much.... regardless of what's happened, we are very close.

Jakesmom, let us know how the meeting goes. (and I liked Cheryl's suggestions.)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 10:12am

Oh Cat... *sigh* if you only knew..my ex seems to be completely checked out! When my oldest ds lived down there, it was a different story, he was much tougher on him as far as school, grades, hanging out with friends. I never in my wildest dreams imagined my ex would let our middle son just do whatever the heck he wants...literally! It is no secret that middle ds is the favored one with my ex, but this is ridiculous. It is almost as if he is afraid to tell him *no*. There is no discipline down there whatsoever...my ex's sisters kid who is also 17/drop out,

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 9:57am

You said you didn't know what to talk about earlier..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 9:47am

Sue, Pam and Cheryl,

Thank you ladies! Yes...I know I need to keep it non-confrontational, and enjoy the very short time that I will have with ds, because in reality it will be no more than an hour..if that. I

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