that's my story and sticking to it
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 02-04-2006 - 3:48pm |
Thanks for all of your posts to mine about getting tough with my 15 yr old daughter and taking away the Internet all together. I appreciate that.
However, I disagree with the comment that computers are just part of our lives now. I don't think I should be afraid to restrict her completely from an item that shouldn't RULE her life. I don't need to be afraid of her resentment. Although it is important to have computers for schoolwork, I disagree that the Internet is absolutely necessary in her life or should be still OK if I let her use it with close supervision.
HEY, I DIDN'T HAVE A COMPUTER OR INTERNET WHEN I WAS A TEEN AND I LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT.
I HAVE given her plenty of chances to show me she can use the Internet responsibly and she failed. She has lied and been deceitful. I'm not afraid of her resentment because she does that resenting thing just fine on her own besides. At 15, she's extremely rude and egotistical and I don't know where my daughter has gone - a stranger has taken her place in our household! The only time she is nice is when she wants something, like to go shopping. Call it tough love or whatever, I think it's time I show my parental muscle and stop being manipulated by this little missy. Her true true colors are really coming out now that I have laid down the law.
Her dad and I had a discussion with her last night and told her that her IMing and Myspace will be discontinued, especially because we cannot trust her with the lying she has done. Lying is absolutely inexcusable. By her stonewalling last night, I can see her maturity level is not there. She is still a child and needs rules without me fearing that she'll hate me. Oh well, she'll hate me until she's 20 or something and can see the truth for herself. I think she will come to appreciate my decision some day because eventually her energy will go into something more constructive. And the fact that I'm not going to bend on this one anymore, she might even respect me again someday.
I'm not totally mean without any feelings. I was very sad last night and cried in bed because she told us that she doesn't even want to be around us. But my husband told me it will pass and I know he is right. I also plan on REPLACING the time she has used on a computer to do something ELSE and I think developing a skill or interest (outside of her schoolmates who all LIVE on the Internet) would help. I will propose that she find an activity, volunteer opportunity, class or club outside of her school to get involved in and I will pay for it.
Putting the old parental foot down regarding my child, without budging...what a concept. It just may work.


I will try to respond to all of your points, perhaps out of order though. and remember, this is jmho, I respect that you need to do what works for your family
<>
You are right, that is exactly what you need to do - being firm when necessary is the only way to parent effectively. However, I disagree with the severity of the punishment based on the information you provided. *Permanently* removing all internet access would occur to me as punishment for say...taking my cc and going on-line and charging up a storm. Or hacking into a company's system and wreaking havoc.
Disobeying time limits in my house would result in *temporary* removal of computer access.
Just as with anything else, not having internet makes it that more enticing to use it elsewhere. But if she is using it elsewhere, you are less able to monitor her usage or guide her in using it responsibly (which is a skill, like it or not, that she needs in the technological era). I am not saying that you should feel bullied into allowing her continued internet access, rather, I am saying that it is important to weigh the pros and cons of taking internet away. You mentioned you shouldn't need to be afraid of your dd's resentment; which is exactly right. But you still need to take the consequences of a punishment into consideration, and that is one of them.
<>
I'm sorry, but this comment honestly made me laugh. You also grew up in a different world. While it may seem a stretch, perhaps an example would help... My great-great grandparents didn't have cars or public transportation - and they lived to tell about it. Yet, I can't imagine living life *today* without one of the above. It is just a matter of life and society, and how it adapts to changing technology. My ggg didn't *need* motorized vehicles because life in that time wasn't adapted to that technological luxury. Today, time and distance demands create a need for a faster mode of transportation. Just as the 'demands' of life today create a true *need* for the internet. (at my college, and dc's highschool, *all* class information is posted on-line. message board discussions are a required portion of the curriculum) Part of the reasoning is to make sure that the students have the necessary skills to function in a technological environment. Both schools consider the internet a very important part of our changing world.
Teens today socialize through the internet. Sure there are other ways to socialize, which are still important to engage in, but that doesn't mean the internet is entirely bad. Where did you come for advice on dd's behavior?
<>
Welcome to parenting a teenager. I would venture to guess that the internet is not the source of this behavior.
<>
Again, your are right. But is your consequence truly addressing her behavior?
<>
Now this is much more my style. (and btw, it isn't just her schoolmates who 'live' on the internet... its a pretty common theme among all teens)
Finding an activity is a great solution, and most likely, much more effective than taking away her internet. I would tend to think that if you found something she is truly interested in, her time on-line would decrease without your involvement.
<>
can you clarify please? You disagree that computers are part of our lives now?
I ran out of checks a year ago, and haven't found the need to order more - I pay all my bills on-line.
When my dc needs to research for a paper, she jumps on-line to access a multitude of databases.
When was the last time you saw a card catalog in a library?
Did you know that most states (if not all) *require* that certain transactions be done on-line?
Computers *are* a part of our lives, and teens need to learn how to use them responsibly - because I think we all agree that they certainly can't figure that part out on their own.
Please note, I'm not saying I wouldn't take internet away as a consequence if necessary... rather I'm saying that I don't think permanently removing computer access accomplishes what you're hoping it will.
I also wanted to clarify my comments on removing her myspace. As her parent, you have the right and responsibility to monitor her computer usage. But, I just wanted to point out that for many teens, deleting their myspace would be akin to burning their diary or artwork. While some parents may not 'get' that, it is very clear to me. I of course recognize that doesn't negate a parent's responsibility for their child, but I do think it should influence how inappropriate myspaces are dealt with.
It seems your problems with her revolve around lies? If she is being misleading about computer usage, sure, restrict her. But that doesn't hit the source of the problem. Consequences are important, but so is figuring out what is causing the problem in the first place.
*why* is she hiding things? is there something to her attitude beyond normal teenage stress?
I know parenting a teenager is frustrating, but coming down with an iron fist (though sometimes appropriate and necessary) isn't always effective.
Remember, that this time is equally as frustrating for her. Just like a toddler wants to do everything themselves (even if they can't) - so does a teenager. A big part of it is a control issue. On the internet, teens have control. They can be whoever they want to, and do whatever they want to. I truly think this opportunity for teens to explore different 'options for themselves' is an important part of growing up in today's world. It is our job to monitor the false sense of security many teens have about the internet.
Every generation has things that their parents don't 'get' ... The teens of today have found their 'thing' in the internet/IM/myspace.
respectfully,
Becca
Here's my two cents:
I believe after reading both posts that you should ban your daughter from computer time for a while. How long is up to you, but I would guess maybe a month. Then go out and buy yourself a computer timer. I have one that give everyone in the house their own account. For the kids, I allow one hour of time per day between 8am and 8pm. After that one hour is up, it logs them out. Then they're done. You can set the time limits for whatever you want, so if you won't be home don't allow access. (PS - If you really want to lock the PC down, remove the CD-ROM as a boot device and passowrd protect the BIOS. That way, she can't reboot the PC with a bootable CD and bypass the timer.)
As far as IM is concerned, my kids were playing around with it and everytime I walked in the room, they'd shut it down, so I knew something was going on. Finally, I found out they had been IM'ing people they don'e even know and in one instance, even gave out our address. Of course I went nuts and that was the end of IM for quite some time. After the begged to get it back for a while, I finally agreed (this was after a couple of months!), but I installed an IM recorder. And I told them about it, specifically saying that all of their conversations were being recorded and I would be looking. Well, after a few of months of looking, I am happy to say that my kids seemed to be having typical teen conversations. And right now, I barely even look at all, although the recorder is still there.
And right now, for the first time since we got the PC, there are almost NO arguments over who uses it, the time being used, and sharing the darn thing. PC Peace!
brba
You need to do what you think you need to do to punish your kids. We all do our best and its hard to know what's the right answer because I don't think there is one. We just do what we can and alot of time its trial and error.
I do however agree with the other poster that the internet IS indeed a vital component of modern life. My dd and even my 10 you ds require doing internet research as part of their school projects and assignments all the time. And for my dd the ability to IM helped her study for 2 of her recent finals. She and her friends quizzed each other and shared study notes while chatting.
You can't shelter her from the internet for a very long time. She'll get access elsewhere ie at a local library or at school or at friends houses. And the problem with that is you won't be able to supervise it ie she'll go underground. Make something forbidden and it becomes even more attractive...
My advice would be to certainly take away access for a while -- say maybe a couple of weeks -- and then give it back to her under the condition that you will be logging all her conversations and that she will only be allowed to be on during certain hours of the day and that she has to get homework/chores etc done before she can go on...
Edited 2/5/2006 9:42 am ET by diamondslb
IMHO, taking ANYTHING away forever isn't a good idea.
You must have been lying all this time about your age!!
Haha! Just kidding.
But STILLLL, girl, how in the world can you be only in your 20's, having not raised any teens until they were ALREADY teens, and be so insightful? Was there anything in particular in your childhood that you attribute to this... good or bad?
Your cousin is a girl lucky beyond the stars.
zz
Edited 2/5/2006 2:15 pm ET by cat_momma
Thanks...
I guess I wouldn't consider myself insightful, just opinionated ;)
Problems are so much clearer when they belong to someone else, kwim?
Its also alot easier to say what *should* be done, than to actually do it.
I'm definitely not the model of a stellar 'parent of a teenager'... but I try my best, and I guess thats all anyone can ask of someone.
thanks again,
Becca
I took IM away from DD when she was 15 and she just got it back about 3 mos ago. She made a deal to sell some of her pain medication (rotator cuff surgery) to a boy at school. IM was immediately removed and she was told she would get it back after she had learned to quit lying to us. We watched her like a hawk and continued to catch her in lies. We called her on each and every one that we learned about no matter how innocent it may have been. She doesn't outright lie to us anymore but occassionally withholds information (she's 17 - probably pretty normal behavior). Anyway, I think taking IM away from her helped her learn to develop some social skills she wouldn't have otherwise. Instead of IM'ing friends, she talked to them on the phone, had them over, went to their houses, etc. She quickly realized how much easier it is online to say things you would never dream of saying to someone's face or on the phone even.
She was allowed to use the computer to surf the net or do homework but no IM. This was before Myspace so that wasn't an issue but I would have probably taken that away too.
Good Luck!
Thank you! Finally someone sees my point.
My daughter is talking to me again even though I haven't budged. It really seems like she has renewed respect for me standing my ground on this important issue.
I think you're right about IM giving one a false sense of reality saying things we may not normally say. I also think that kids are using it more frequently than being social.
I also think she has developed bad habits of writing incorrectly with her IM coding. She has forgotten how to spell some things correctly.
I'm just also showing her that there is so much more in life to accomplish than sit in front of a screen and write nonsense to people she just saw at school.