Things are worse here *Please help*

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Things are worse here *Please help*
12
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 11:36am

My almost 17 year old daughter came home drunk last night. The 22 year old girl that she hangs out with BOUGHT her alcohol, when my daughter asked her to. Her boyfriend was also drunk. I called the police, because I didn't want this girl to go on unpunished for what she'd done. She could've told my daughter "No" she's the adult NOT my daughter. Well, in the process, my daughter and her bf got underaged drinking tickets.

My daughter is so very depressed. She says that she has NO ONE. It's the accident. Ever since the accident she just hasn't been the same.

I forbid her to see this girl anymore and she told me that that's fine. All she's going to do is stay in bed all day and night. She said that the only reason why she's alive is because of this friend. :(

I don't know what to do here. I don't want her to hang out with my daughter because she buys her alcohol. She told me that this is the first time that they've drank, but I don't believe her. WHY else would she want to hang out with her?

My worse nightmare has come true. And I had a sneaking suspicion of this too.

What would you do if you were me?

To refresh your memory... My daughter was badly injured when a drunk driver hit a truck which hit the hit that my daughter was standing by, it knocked her to the ground, and the truck landed on her back. SHe was in the hospital for 5 days with two fractures of the pelvis. She has some memory loss, and tested at 12.9 grade level at the beginning of the school year, and is now at a freshmen level. She has nightmares. She's seen a counselor, but I think that she needs someone with a little more experience.

What am I supposed to do?
Staying home will make her even MORE depressed... But letting her go out outside of this house is only going to relay the message that she can do whatever she wants with no ramifications.

I took away her cell phone last night. *sighs*

I have NEVER had this type of experience, not even with my self in my life.

What do I do? Please help me...

I'm a single mom, and her dad just doesn't care what she does. :( I'm alone in this.

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Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 1:31pm
Is she on antidepressants? Sounds like she needs to be, and they don't mix with alcohol. And I'd think that because it was a drunk driver that hit her in the first place, she wouldn't want to drink. You can probably talk until you are blue in the face, but I probably would anyway. I think I'd let her stay hiding in her room all day and night. Honestly, she can't stay in there forever, she WANTS to come out, she's doing some of this to hurt you (and it's working, but she really shouldn't get to know that). I wish I had some great words of wisdom. If she was my kid, I'd keep saying all the things I've always said about underage drinking, it's dangerous, it's illegal, it's plain stupid and it's going to harm her health further. And I'd keep a really close eye on her, but let her stay in her room, except to eat. I wouldn't allow her to have a tv or computer or phone in her room, if she wants to use those things, she has to come out of her room. She's acting like a defiant toddler, holding her breath to get what she wants. Treat her like one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 2:17pm
No she's not on any anti depressants, but I KNOW that she needs to be on them. She says that she will NOT take them, but I guess I'lll have to give her no other ultimatium.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 7:09pm
Anyone else?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 7:53pm

It sounds to me like she is suffering from some sort of post traumatic stress. People who have had serious injuries or accidents or been part of very traumatic experiences often do go through some sort of PTSD. I've also seen people go through similar stuff after major surgery. See if this link accurately describes her behaviour over the past while:

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/ptsd.html

If this is the case she really needs to see a qualified individual who can help her work through this. Its not about the friends or the alcohol she drank -- its all about coping with what happened to her. Accidents are terrifying enough and then the pain and effort of the recovery afterwards just adds to the difficulty. She needs to get back to a good place and be hopeful for the future again. What accidents do to the best of us is awaken us to our vulnerabilities and to our immortality and that's a hard pill to swallow for a teenager.

Find a good expert -- a really good one -- and get your daughter to commit to at least a few sessions with that person and see if it helps her out... good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 9:04pm

living, I'm very sorry you are going through all this - it seems to me that you're having more than your share of trials, between your three kids. My heart goes out to you! As for your dd, I agree with diamond that she needs professional help - immediately. This does not sound like your typical teenage stuff, your dd has been through a terrible ordeal! She absolutely needs help, and it's not optional. Would it be optional if she had broken her leg - would you give her a choice then? It's not a choice now, either. Explain to her that she has been through more than some people go through in their entire lifetime and she needs help to process it. I don't think anyone of us can give you advise, b/c this is a special situation and the usual advise won't work.

When you say her dad isn't around and you're alone in this, I hope that you have some kind of support system in place - friends, family, church, community. Something. Trust me when I say you cannot go through this alone - nor should you have to!

Come here anytime for support, and let us know how it's going - my most pressing advise if to get your dd some serious professional help - yesterday!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 12:19pm

wow you really have your hands full, i read your other post as well.

the thing is that your dd (almost 17) really needs 'real' help. i am not big on meds, i think that therapy is the better road to take but sometimes they are needed and it sounds like she needs her meds now. even so - it takes time till they will get the dose right,there is an adjustment period. but she needs something - she has been thru something traumatic.

I don't agree that you should lock her in the house and take away all her stuff. that will usually backfire. (it causes the 'i have nothing to lose so i might as well do whatever because my mother doesn't trust me anyway'). on the other hand - yo ucan't let her hang around with this girl. on the other hand - teens NEED their friends.

there are some good things, though. your dd is going to school and is holding down a part time job - those are good signs.

sigh.... i don't really know what to tell you. can you talk to her therapist? why do you feel she needs someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:45pm

I don't think she is the first 17 year old to get drunk nor do I think she is the last!

I think you should impose consequences(taking cell phone, change curfew, something that will sting her but not destroy her) but dont lose sight of the fact that many, many high school age kids drink(at least shes not 13/14) You have to do your best to stay ahead of it but I personally wouldnt get TOO bent out of shape

Could you allow her to see the 22 yr old only at your home-that way you could control things but still leave her access to her friend

My middle son waws involved in a car accident his sophomore year. He had a head injury and the memory loss was frightening. Is the school providing accomodations? They should be. We were in the process of obtaining them when our son, thankfully, healed. He still complained on and off for about 6 months(it was difficult to know what was for real and what was an excuse)

I hope your dd's memory loss resolves itself or at least improves

Its scary realizing you are not invincible at that age-good luck!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 9:13am

If she were my dd, I would schedule an appt with her regular DR and I would have a full physical done to rule out any physical reasons for her depression (It can obviously be related to the accident, etc., however it doesn't hurt to have her WHOLE body checked out). As part of the physical, I would request that all her blood levels be checked, especially her hormones. If her hormones are out of whack, that could definitely cause her to be depressed and behave erratically. Hormonal imbalance at her age is usually fixed by a short stint on a low dose BC pill. Not what you want to hear, but it could mean the difference bewteen a healthy young woman or a depressed one.

In the meantime, I would explain to her DR what's been going on and seek his/her opinion and recommendation for a counselor more suited to your dd's needs, such as someone who is very experienced working with teens and post traumatic stress syndrome as well as addictions. If her depressed state of mind and use of alcohol are not put in check ASAP, she could be headed down a path of self destruction brought on by who knows what.

I would also sit with dd and list out what's going on in her life...what are activities that she enjoys, i.e., painting, gymnastics, volleyball, swimming, drawing, writing...you get the idea. Once at least ONE activity can be identified, contact your local parks and rec and see if there are any ongoing programs that offer a class or game she can join. Or, you can contact the local YMCA and see if they have anything she's interested in. One class that really seems to help kids at this age is learning CPR/First Aid - a way that they become a help to others. Perhaps she can volunteer some of her summer time at a local adult community rec center or adult home, or even a child care center. Maybe she could get a counselor job at a local kids' camp. IOW, she needs to discover that she has value and has an important place in this life and she will learn that by doing, by giving a peice of herself on a healthy level.

I think that you should definitely limit the time she spends with this 22 y/o. You have to wonder what the heck a 22 y/o wants with a couple of 17 yo's, don't you? When they want to hang out together can you make it so they have to be at your house? Under the guise of dd earning back your trust, this could be a test - if the 22 y/o is willing to hang at your house, under your supervision, dd may quickly see that this girl is simply not interested any longer. IMO, it's worth a shot.

I don't particularly like the idea of just forbidding anything, friends, or cell, BF, etc. I just don't think that it nurtures a mutually trustful relationship between parent and child. She's almost an adult in the eyes of the law, however, she is still your responsibility. What she needs to learn is how to be responsible for herself and her own choices. Having the 22 y/o arrested is fine, but it still doesn't solve the issue that your dd chose to get drunk, KWIM?

You have a lot on your plate. Take it one step at a time. Write thoughts and ideas that you think may work and study them, discuss them even with your dd. come up with a plan that works for you and dd. No one person's idea is going to fit you, dd and your situations = only you two can find a way to help dd get back on track in a healthy way. Perhaps this BF is not a good influence either. Perhaps she needs a tutor to help her regain her confidence. Perhaps a new counselor. It could be a combination of things or just one thing. Brainstorm together and on paper. That has always helped me find solutions rather than lying in bed at night tossing and turning to find the right answer. Hugs and I wish you the best of luck - you'll get through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 4:08pm

I do agree w/ the other posters about getting your DD examined for physical and mental issues. If you feel that her current counsellor isn't working, then get a new one. A good counsellor should be able to explain to your DD why she needs psych medication (and it could be only for a short period of time.) Has your DD explained why she doesn't want to take meds when they will make her feel better?

Also, I would try to curtail her hanging out w/ a 22 y.o. who will buy her alcohol. My 17 y.o. hangs out w/ kids her own age. Her stepsister is about 21 (dad's wife's DD) and they went to a concert together, but even then that was not a usual situation. If she doesn't have any other friends, can she get involved w/ a group that does something she likes and make more friends her own age?

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 11:29pm

Thanks for the advice everyone!

She has an appt to see our family doctor July 7th. She is doing okay now. But I still want her to see her therapist every week.

She doesn't want to take meds because she feels their only for "crazy" people. *sighs*

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