things going down hill FAST with dd14
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| Thu, 02-22-2007 - 1:50pm |
i dont know where to begin, but i will try to simply so as not to cause confusion.
about a month ago on a monday my dd14 took some of my husbands back meds to school (prescription aleve, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflamatories). she was caught skipping in the bathroom alone, and security found the pills. she told them she wanted to kill herself. (she had been upset with us over the weekend because we would not let her and her friend manipulate us into letting him spend the night, btw he is gay and thats why she thought we should allow it). so, we immediately got her into therapy.
in therapy she was diagnosed as ADD. we started her on concerta. i would have rather tried alternative, but she is failing and all of the alternatives wouldnt produce results as wuickly as the meds claim to.
2 weeks after this we found marijuana in her room, and a pipe. we took her door off of her room and limit all phone calls, and she goes nowhere without mom and/or dad.
2days later we do another routine search and find MORE marijuana, and i read notes that implicate other friends. i called every parent of the implicated friends, and the source of the weed.
she admitted to shoplifting at the mall with one particular friend. i did not call her mom because i already called her about the marijuana, and i know these parents are blaming my dd for these problems, even though my dd just started all of this. i guess thats really irrelevant since she is not permitted to go anywhere right now anyway.
this past weekend my dd screwed up her own plan to sneak out with a boy and "loose her virginity". i went to check on her in the night and found her window open and she was fast asleep, fully clothed UNDERNEATH her pj's. i confiscated her cell phone immediately and thats where i got my information. dh payed a visit to the boy and his family, and got great support from the boys father.
so, YESTERDAY, she had a friend over to work on some homework, in her room without a door. things went okay, they were working on poetry for one of their classes (they just finished the ALG). i dont agree with the content of friends poetry, it was grossly sexual, and i mentioned to dd that her poetry had better not be like that, she argued with me a little that "i dont know anything, etc. etc." the friend left, and she wanted to take a shower, i said AFTER you finish your health, she argued more, called me an idiot. dh removed her TV from her room, then she went into the bathroom. i followed her in to find her PURGING!!
what is going on?! just one year ago she was an A/B student, and very helpful with all of the young kids in the family. now she hates us for "ruining her life", and we are crazy for over reacting because "there is nothing wrong" with her.
i admit, i have kept my cool throughout this, until last night. i just lost it and i was ready to commit her.
she just auditioned for a play. she hasnt done any plays in the past 1 1/2 years, and i think it will help keep her busy and out of trouble.
if you have read this far, THANK YOU! please send me advice, and encouragement. i am crushed and i miss my sweet little girl.

Wow-you must feel like you have been run over by a truck. What a lot of different things to be happening all at once
I would let the teachers deal with inappropriate poetry and health homework. It takes a village, remember? Let school go for now and focus on the home stuff! If she fails, she fails. I'm sorry but you cant do it all :(
You are doing all the right things. Im in awe that you have got so much support from other parents. You must be a very tactful person and that's awesome.
She is in counseling and medicated for the ADD-again, you are doing what you need to
It just sounds like its going to be a long haul
There are many theories about ADD but one is they seek stimulation because they dont have enough internally. Thats why we give them stims(which 'seems' backwards for teh ADHDers who are already hyper but that's why) It certainly fits her life right now-the thrills of shoplifting, losing her virginity-heck, even the purging could be related somehow
It's hard to know how long she has been using the pot-sorry, I speak for myself when I say that we tend to assume our kids just started X when we found out. Realistically, its likely it has been happening and we missed it. I was also told, when I found my son with pot and a pipe, that he had likely been using awhile as use of a pipe was not typical for a beginner
Im not helping much, am I?
I think you are doing everything you can. Hang in there!
Think in terms of stimulation-where can she get it? Exercise is obvious, of course, and the acting will most likely help. But think of what else would 'pump her up'.
Be sure the counselor is a good fit
Be sure her meds are not too high or too low. How they can adjust those to a fluctuating teen is beyond me! But talk to her when you are both calm and see if she feels a difference. My understanding is its being able to shut out things they normally cant shut out be it a 'movie in their head' or the sound of an overhead fan. It's not likely to turn Ds into As so dont count on seeing it there.
At the risk of sounding repetitive, I would invite you to post this on the Troubled Teens board as well.
I am so sorry you're going through all of this - and I hope things settle down for you soon.
I tend to agree with the previous posts - finding some sort of stimulation for her, make sure to keep an eye on her meds, etc. Although I have not had any trouble with drugs (I know DS has TRIED pot, but he's a singer, and he won't do anything to ruin his voice) or sneaking out, I have experienced many of the other problems you are dealing with. I have a few bits of advice for you - they may not help, but then again, they may - I know advice from other parents who have either BTDT or are looking from the outside sometimes helps.
One thing I noticed about my son, and his friends have told me, is that they resent the control their parents tend to implement on their every waking moment. For instance, telling her she can't take a shower until she's done with her homework. As babies, we decide when they're to be bathed - as teenagers, they want some sort of control. Since you're having so much trouble in other areas, allowing DD to decide for herself when she's going to shower might actually help your situation (plus I've found that my son does a LOT of destressing in the shower - it usually helps to diffuse a volatile situation).
I agree with the poster who said let the school system deal with the inappropriate poetry and health homework. Institute consequences for not doing homework, but let your DD decide when to do it (i.e., before or after she showers). One thing the school system told me is that I should allow THEM to institute the consequences for not doing homework, and I should institute consequences for the GRADES resulting in not doing homework.
I would definitely limit her outside activities - with the exception of the play. I don't know what it is (my DS is also ADHD and has been medicated for years), but acting seems to really create focus in these kids. My son has been acting since he was 6; he's also been a 2nd round American Idol contestant and is auditioning for summer stock this year. Look for community theaters in your area - particularly those that offer "teen" shows (we have one here that does one show a year - a full-scale production - entirely with kids 13-19 - and it's usually the best of the season). The work involved in learning lines, songs, dances, and going to rehearsal will take away the ability to socialize with those people you find inappropriate.
As for your restrictions - I would give her back the TV and put the door back on her room (although I would insist she keep it open at all times--if I read correctly, you found more marijuana AFTER you took the door off her room, so taking the door off didn't help). Give her that escape - the ability to go into her room and watch TV (although with the door open), because as you clamp down harder on her, she's going to get more and more angry, and you both need a place to go to get away from each other.
I would leave nothing to chance (here's where I actually DO support snooping). Let her know that since she has made it clear your rules are irrelevant to her, and since she is engaging in illegal activity, AND since she seems to think 14 is an ok age to be sexually active, you will be randomly searching any and everything. Don't do it every day (because then she'll come to suspect it and adapt to it), but randomly, when she comes home, dump out her backpack. Go through her drawers. Since you've taken away her cell phone, I'd also tell her ANY phone calls have to be in plain view of a parent - and limit computer time (when I found out my DS had been to a party where there was drinking - and no parents - I "stalked" him for the next 2-3 months. On random occasions, when he would be out somewhere, I'd get in my car and "show up." He never knew when or where).
When kids start acting out like this, the element of surprise is your best friend. Randomly show up at school. Set your alarm for 3 am to go check on her in her room (can you set some kind of alarm on her window so it goes off if she tries to open it?). Make sure she knows "the rules" (even if you have to post them on the wall) so that she can never say "I didn't know." (I actually had to go so far as to say "you're not allowed to get in a car with anyone under 30" to let my son know he could not take rides from friends because I didn't trust him to come home).
It's good that you're utilizing other parents in your quest to protect your child, but be prepared for the backlash - everyone thinks they're kids would be wonderful if it weren't for "that friend." Make sure you're informative, but not accusatory (i.e., "I just wanted to let you know I found my DD and your DD smoking a joint outside" rather than "your daughter got my daughter high."), and you should have no trouble banding the parents together.
As for the purging - I hope counseling will help, but I have also heard parents implement a "bathroom door must be open" rule - or someone needs to stand outside every time she goes in. A bit restrictive, yes - but purging is dangerous - not only is it a sign of a serious eating disorder, but it also creates damage to the esophagus and vocal chords.
I hope this helps - know we're praying for you, and please keep us posted.
i actually meant to post this on the troubled teens page, i guess when i logged on it redirected me to this site.
after last night i realized my husband and i need therapy ourselves because this is really taking a toll. we are so exhausted and sad, and we have a 1 1/2 year old that needs us to be complete, as well as dd14. and i do take a little bit of comfort in the hope that she is just getting this out of her system and will hopefully learn from these mistakes.
windrush, you made a good point about ADD kids seeking stimulation. i have noticed she loves drama and excitement and seems to seek and/or create it. we are hoping she gets cast in this play and will get her kicks from being on stage performing.
*sigh*
thanks for the input.
Who was he?
Ehh - you won't see him. He didn't get to see the "big 3" - he was cut in Round 2.
He did audition with Ian Bernardo (the weird guy that was the first of the NY auditionees on TV), and he also met Lakisha (sp?) - who sang "And I Am Telling You" last night. He met and spent time with Antonella as well.
He did very well, in my opinion, for a 17 year old. There were 18,000 people at the NY auditions, and they sent 200 (one of whom was my DS) on to the 2nd round. From there, they took 100. He was told he wasn't strong enough for the competition this year (in retrospect, after watching the past two nights, I have to go with the standard comment - he chose the wrong song for Round 2).
If anyone wants to hear him sing, you can go to www.youtube.com. Do a search for "apology to a cow - amazing" (you have to type it exactly like that without the quotes). It's an amazing video of a scene from his last play. Then, if you click on the user's name (highlighted in blue), click on "Dance with My Father." That's a bit more of a standard example of his singing ability.
Yeah, I'm proud.
Please know that you are not alone. I have a 15 year old dd and it hurts when you see your child going in the wrong direction. My dd is not doing drugs or anything but she was once an A/B student and now if she gets a D shes celebrating because she passed. Don't give up on her, just stay on her case. Good Luck.
Michelle
Thanks for sharing.