Things moving a little fast - dd and bf
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| Mon, 09-18-2006 - 8:06am |
How can they say all the right things to your face, yet do all the wrong things that you JUST talked about?
I posted a few weeks ago about dd14 and her now bf and I was worried about his intentions. Well, I know for a fact things are moving at teenage speed. She tells me the things he says and does and boy is he smooth. He "appears" to really care for her. I have spyware on dd's computer and wow I would fall for him too - especially at 14!
Well, thanks to the spyware, I found out some stuff and I don't know what to do with this info. She KNOWS the program is on her computer - so maybe she wants me know?? She was talking to one of her best guy friends about her and J's relationship and she said things are moving way too fast and told him what happened. She's already on birth control (to regulate her periods). The guy friend told her to tell him things were going to fast and she said she would today at school. I can only hope she does.
We had just talked about all the stuff moms and daughters need to talk about - reputation, self-respect, self-esteem, etc and she says all the right things. She saw what happened reputation wise to her ex-bf that did more than she should have with a guy and the guy ran his mouth. We had just talked about that!!
Do I go to her with this knowledge and straight up tell her what I know? (she tends to "forget" I have the spyware) or keep talking to apparently a brick wall and listen to the bs she spews back at me?
WWYD?
Kim


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I would probably find the *right* moment to broach the topic with her (for us it's either bedtime or in the car). Be non-confrtontational and don't say, "I was reading the report from my spyware and found out...". Instead, you could start by asking her how things are going with bf, is she happy, etc. Then you can gently say something like, "I'm only asking because it seems like you've both become very wrapped up in eachother and I'm fearful you may be moving too fast. If that is a concern you have, we could talk about how to slow things down a little to a level you're comfortable with". See what she says. If she balks and storms around and accuses you of reading her emails, etc., then, yes, you probably should tell her that you read a small peice of the spyware that caught your attention in regards to bf moving too fast for her comfort and you became concerned and wanted to talk about it.
I tend to explain a little more about myself, but it's mostly so my dd's will feel comfortable telling me stuff. For instance, I might say, "yeah, I remember my BF "carl" when I was 15 - he was a smooth talker and I didn't even realize how fast we were moving. I remember feeling nervous, unsure of myself and even a little scared of what might happen." I want them to see that I was once a girl like them and it's normal to have all these feelings. Best of luck.
I get the impression-and trust me, I am far from an expert-that teen relationships DO move quickly these days. That the early stages are hanging around as friends or a group but that as soon as the kids pair off, its 'fast'(what I saw as a frist date, they see as 'going steady'???)
Could you maybe just ask her what she sees dating as in her school in a general, non-specific way. She will probably know what you are really asking but thats okay
Tell her what 'dating' was like in your times and ask how its different today-see where the conversation strays
I know I found it hard to communicate because its so different now from my time-I couldnt even get the terminology down
It sounds like its already gone further than you would like but it also sounds like she is wise enough to know and want to stop-thats a good thing!
Sounds like the guy friend gave your daughter some good advice. I would give her a chance to address it on her own. On the other hand, if it doesn't appear to be resolved in a day or so, I would casually (in an off-hand way) mention that sometimes girls get pressured by their boyfriends to do more than they are ready for, and you've heard that some girls do . . . . and then give her a chance to work it out on her own. It's been said here before that sometimes kids just have to learn the hard way. She's on birth control, so that's a positive step.
Good luck!
Amelia
I do the same thing with my dd - talking about my experiences as a teen and how they affected me later. Like you, I want her to know that she's not alone and I can so relate!
She has always told me stuff, probably too much. Like last weekend, I asked if his hands behaved and she said "no, but I slapped his hand away and said 'bad boy'" We had the same conversation yesterday, and she just said he behaved. I was like "woohoo" he learned his lesson - then I read the im!!
I will put it to her the way you suggested - we have talked in the past how to slow things down. We have always role-played or I would ask her "what ifs" - maybe I'll try that.
I'm kinda confused about her feelings for this guy as she seems completely over the top about him - but to both me and her guy friend she brought up missing her ex-bf (the one she broke up with for this guy).
You are so correct in that appears to be the trend now, it's just hard to watch my dd being part of the trend.
We talked about dating alot, when over the summer she heard about the "list" that supposedly the upperclassmen have on the incoming freshman girls - especially finding out she was on the list. She has told me of all her friends and what they have done and we have talked about the repercussions and how they feel about what they have done - guess it's time to have that talk again.
She's definitely done more than I would like, but she did have the sense to stop. In talking to her guy friend (who coincidentally had had HIS first time yesterday) she even said if we are doing this 2 weeks into the relationship what will we be doing in a month?? Hopefully she will do as she told her friend she would - tell him to slow down, but honestly, I don't think she will - she is in complete awe of this boy. I think she will be too scared of loosing him.
While the guy friend did give her some excellent advice in some areas, he gave her some rotten advice in others (giving her tips on when she does go further) - and I was sitting there shaking my head saying "no, no, no" Not only because I don't want her to go further, but it was just bad advice from a woman's perspective who knows it was bad advice LOL I want to go to dd and say - he's wrong about that, here's a better way, but I'm thinking that would just be a little too weird.
I had very bad thoughts towards sex, thanks to being too young and pushed and low self-esteem and it took forever for me not to detest it. There were so many aspects to sex that I had no clue about until the last decade and I'm guessing that she should learn as she goes too LMAO I can't believe I am saying this...
I'll see where things are tonight and go from there...I'm guessing I shouldn't expect her to be completely forthcoming....
>>I had very bad thoughts towards sex, thanks to being too young and pushed and low self-esteem and it took forever for me not to detest it. There were so many aspects to sex that I had no clue about until the last decade>>
I think that by tapping into your own phobias about your perceptions of sex when you were a teen is something you may be able to use as a conversation piece or starter. Ask yourself: Do I want dd to be feeling her way through this (no pun intended) and develop her own phobias or worse, utilize the wrong information as her basis for what constitutes healthy, enjoyable sex later in life? OR, do I want her to develop at a healthy level for her age and learn what to expect, i.e., that sex IS normal and under the right circumstances it will be enjoyable = mutually enjoyable with a person who is not using her or pushing her into something she's not ready for. Those are important lessons you learned and I think they are worth sharing with her. Believe it or not, our dd's DO listen to what we're saying when said under the right conditions. Just try not to shove it down her throat and give her just enough information at a time to process. Too much too fast could leave her overwhelmed and thinking you're nuts.
I have in a round-about way told her of my experiences, without giving the details. I guess to some extent I don't want her to think bad of me, but I guess I am going to have to be completely honest with her - no matter how painful for me?
I have always struggled with how much info is too much info!!!
Thing about it is she even admits she is too young for this and not ready for sex (I got this from an im about 2 or 3 weeks ago). I think I got the info about the wandering hands last week only because she was on her period - I'm guessing that is why he got the "bad boy" reprimand, not because of her self-respect!
Your experience is exactly what I think she is experiencing. Doesn't have the strength/will to resist. Her bf has experience, heck everyone she knows has done way more than she has ever done, so I am guessing she is lacking in that department. I think this may be the reason she is missing the ex, he totally respected her and was truly into her and I think she felt comfortable telling him no and knew she wouldn't lose him for it (they were best, best friends for about a year before dating). I think I may need to touch on that a little with her and see where that goes. Maybe that will be my opener with her.
She jokingly told me a few weeks ago that she would lose her virginity this school year, but that was the same night as the im in my first paragraph where she told the guy (another guy friend LOL) that she wants to try and stay a virgin all through high school....she goes on to say that she may be a tad unrealistic. Hell at this point, I'd be happy for her to stay a virgin atleast until 2007!!! and I really want to say that to her!!!!!
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