Things moving a little fast - dd and bf

Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Things moving a little fast - dd and bf
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Mon, 09-18-2006 - 8:06am

How can they say all the right things to your face, yet do all the wrong things that you JUST talked about?

I posted a few weeks ago about dd14 and her now bf and I was worried about his intentions. Well, I know for a fact things are moving at teenage speed. She tells me the things he says and does and boy is he smooth. He "appears" to really care for her. I have spyware on dd's computer and wow I would fall for him too - especially at 14!

Well, thanks to the spyware, I found out some stuff and I don't know what to do with this info. She KNOWS the program is on her computer - so maybe she wants me know?? She was talking to one of her best guy friends about her and J's relationship and she said things are moving way too fast and told him what happened. She's already on birth control (to regulate her periods). The guy friend told her to tell him things were going to fast and she said she would today at school. I can only hope she does.

We had just talked about all the stuff moms and daughters need to talk about - reputation, self-respect, self-esteem, etc and she says all the right things. She saw what happened reputation wise to her ex-bf that did more than she should have with a guy and the guy ran his mouth. We had just talked about that!!

Do I go to her with this knowledge and straight up tell her what I know? (she tends to "forget" I have the spyware) or keep talking to apparently a brick wall and listen to the bs she spews back at me?

WWYD?

Kim




Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 12:18pm

I probably should add that my military dh left yesterday after 10 days leave and he deploys to the "sandbox" this week. I can't help but think this has something to do with the recent events. Dh even met the bf yesterday on his way back to base - and he flat out told this guy, in front of dd, no sex LOL (you would have to know my dh's personality) he didn't want to come home to a pregnant daughter!!

I'm guessing this could be construed as a weak moment.... I don't dare tell dh about any of this, he would freak and he definitely has other things he has to deal with without worrying about her more than necessary!! And of course he has called me a million times today and it's killing me not to talk to him about it!




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Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 12:20pm

I'm sorry I don't have much experience with this sort of thing -- other than my own at the same age, or close to it anyway -- but I must say that you seem to be handling this remarkably well! It's admirable that you have a good enough relationship with your DD that you can actually talk to her about this, and she to you -- even though you might be hearing something different from her than what you are reading on her chat logs!

I hope your 'talk' goes well! Keep us posted.

P.S. You might want to mention to your DD that while a BC pill prevents pregnancy, it doesn't, however, protect against STD's or her from being/feeling used after the fact! Not that the bf is using her, but if/when they break up, she might feel that way, kwim?

 

 

 

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Mon, 09-18-2006 - 12:26pm
Well, I MEANT in a very roundabout way...goodness. I have never told my dds' intimate details or ages, etc. I have told them of my feelings surrounding certain situations or incidents that are simiilar to what they may be going through. I'm sure my dds' believe that I was never promiscuous (which I was) or slept with any other men besides thier father and my H (which I have). Haha - I don't know what they think really; they probably don't think about me or my past at all, really. I DO know that they listen to me, details or no, and ask questions, and I generally feel that some of what I've shared with them has been useful and they've used it to form thier own standards in relationships. That's all you can do...the rest is up to them. You're on the right track.
Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 12:32pm

LMAO - thank you!! I have been sitting her trying to figure out how I was going to say what and picturing her telling all her friends, bf etc I've always thought details were unneccesary and thank you for reiterating that - but I DO want her experiences to be much more healthier than mine ever were.

I think I might go buy a gallon of ice cream - might be a long night/week/month/year!!




Avatar for kel7col4
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Mon, 09-18-2006 - 12:38pm

Thank you - I'm trying so hard to keep my composure and honestly the thing that kept me from blasting dd was thinking of all the advice on these boards LOL I'm trying the think before you react approach for once LOL

We have talked many times about STD's and the doctor was very thorough with her too when talking about the pill. I will continue to touch on that. I will too tie in there the fact that pill doesn't take away the "used feeling" - that was very good!! I wish I could read this kid (bf) I really do!! Like I said, if I was 14 I would be willing to run away and join the circus with this kid - he is good...




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Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 3:56pm

Please also stress to her the emotional consequences to her and to the relationship. She will not fully grasph that there are emotional consequences but she will get alot of it. Stress about how this might cause her to have a lower self-esteem. It might cause the b/f or her to become more possessive and jealous. Also point out to her that for many teen-age boys once they become sexually active that becomes the focus of the relationship and as someone else said, she may very well begin to feel used. If religion has been a part of her life, she may some inner conflict in that area as well.

Good Luck!

Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:04pm

Thank you - that is most definitely on my agenda of things to point out. Like I said in an earlier post the ramifications of my decisions 20 years ago, still haunt me in my adult life. I don't want her to live like that.

I didn't think of the possessiveness or the becoming the basis of the relationship angle's - I will definitely throw that in as well.

She should be home from practice in the next 30 mins to an hour and I am still flabbergasted as to how to approach this. Luckily bf has an away game tonight so I have a few hours of her undivided attention!!




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Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:34pm

I would be very careful when reading your children's e-mail. So many times kids just vent through the use of IM and e-mails, not really giving a lot of thought to what they're saying. After all, they're kids. So many things my teens have said at that age (and beyond) never really comes to fruition. It's just a part of growing up. Unfortunately (I rather believe) for us parents, we have the capability of "eavesdropping" when our parents never really had the chance. Just imagine what they might have heard during our conversations at 14! I know this generation is "different" but, still, kids are kids and they'll say anything to get a rise out of their peers.

As for having a boyfriend, etc. I think you're treading on thin ice. I wouldn't have a child dating until he/she is 16. If your daughter does find an interest in someone at 14, I would constantly monitor their whereabouts. I realize they can always manage to find a way to be alone, but I would make it extremely difficult for them. IMO

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Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:54pm

Unless DD is actually talking and conversing with you, this will probably be a very short conversation. My talks with DD usually lasted about 20 or 25 minutes b/c she was always staring out the window watching the butterflies. I honestly thought she had completely tuned me out until one afternoon she repeated something I said to one of her friends in my presence. I was completely shocked. This was something she would never had said on her own or even thought of so I knew then that she was truly listening. Why on earth I ever doubted it is beyond me b/c after all she was 15 and the topic was boys and sex - of course she was listening!!

Anyway, good luck. You might try writing down what you want to say in advance and practicing in front of a mirror. That always helps me keep my thoughts together and it helps me with some sticky wording.

Avatar for kel7col4
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Mon, 09-18-2006 - 6:10pm

Well, that went remarkably well, if I do say so myself.

Before I could say a word, DD walked in after practice and says, so do you want to talk about me and J? I was like whoa what's the catch? But instead I said - do YOU want to talk about you and J? She owned up to it all - said she wasn't pressured and that what happened was what she was comfortable with and she made clear her boundaries. She did talk to him this morning and told him she wanted to go slower, way slower and he supposedly completely agreed. We talked about repercussions, which brought up the fact that she totally regrets who her first real kiss was with and she was able to put that in perspective with sex.

She says he always respects her wishes when she says no and feels absolutely no pressure from him - I can only hope this is true. She is saying all the right things, so fingers crossed for now...there was way more but that was the gist of it....