thinks DSD might be depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
thinks DSD might be depressed
6
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 5:01pm

I have a 16 yo DSD who I think might be depressed and I don't really know what to do about it. Her dad has bipolar disorder and I think he might be resistant to the idea that his daughter also might have a mental illness. They had a lot of conflict in 2005 and did some joint counselling, which I don't think did much for their relationship. She also did some indiv. counselling, but just stopped one day. We have no idea what was talked about due to confidentiality, but I thought it was strange that the counsellor never met us or asked for any input.

These are the factors I am looking at: 1st, her mother died when she was 3 of a brain tumor, which I can only imagine would have lasting effects on anyone. She went through a troubling phase last year when she was skipping school, which resulted in her failing some classes, she was also using the cell phone a lot and calling people from out of state, particularly one girl. She says it's someone who moved away from where we live, but I really don't believe it. I think it's someone she met on line. She really has only 2 friends to go out with, which really should be enough, but one girl's mother is very strict and hardly ever lets her go out, plus she works, so not much time to see each other. My DSD was having a fight w/ the other girl for most of the summer. They made up recently so they have gone to a couple of movies together. I think she has more friends in school to talk to, but she doesn't do anything w/ them.

She basically sat around the house all summer doing nothing. It really annoyed me because I made my DD (who's now 17) get a job last summer and she has to pay for her car ins. The same rules are supposed to apply to everyone and many times I would say to my DH that she should get a job and he would agree and then never do anything. I actually drove her around looking for places right before she turned 16 in June and she had some reason why she didn't want to work at most of the places. A lot of places won't hire anyone til age 17, so I don't think she can be so fussy. Plus he will say that she needs to join some activity in school cause last year she didn't do anything. We know that is bad for getting into college. She says she wants to be a teacher and obviously, you have to go to college for that. However, w/ poor grades and no outside activities, I really can't see her getting into college. Well, he said that last year and then he doesn't follow through, so we'll see.

Then he gets very frustrated because she just stays in her room all the time using the computer and watching TV and doesn't interact w/ anyone, least of all him. I know he wants to have a nice relationship w/ her, but then he will ruin it by yelling at her for something. Yesterday my mother & aunt were visiting for a Labor Day barbecue and it was a strain to get her to sit at the table and eat. She couldn't wait to get back to her room. My mother & aunt are very friendly and treat her just like another grandchild. She barely speaks to anyone. My DD has never liked her and now my son (age 11) is not speaking to her because he says she is mean to him.

There are a lot of issues here, I know. My DH is at his wits' end knowing what to do w/ her. I could suggest counselling again, but it hardly seemed to do anything last time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 6:49pm

My first reaction is get another counselor and keep trying them until you find one that she is comfortable with. I would also suggest that you and DH go together - blending families is difficult under the best of circumstances but when one spouse has a mental or physical disorder it makes it harder then throw in there that one child has problems as well, well that puts a lot of stress on the marriage. I think that maybe counseling for the two of you might help him to see that he needs to follow through with his and your expectations for the kids.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 9:52am

In addition to what tobylady said, you (or DH) may wish to make an appointment for her with her medical doctor (GP or otherwise). If she is depressed, maybe a trial period on an antidepressant would help narrow the problem down??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 7:08am

What does your DD do right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 5:53pm

Just wanted to say although I was never a big believer in therapy, I have seen it work wonders if you have the right counselor. The key being the right counselor/dr. On our third one, we found someone that dd14 liked so much that it was never a matter of her "having to go" but her "wanting to go". The doctor really does have to keep everything confidential unless she thinnks someone's life is at risk. I don't hear much either about what is going on - only progress reports if I want them. It took some time, but dd made a good turn around - she stopped wearing black all the time, stop cutting, and for high school changed her "image". Apparently the girls in group have been slowly discouraging the unhealthy relationship she had with her "bad influence" friend H. and I think maybe now dd sees things differently. I'm holding my breath for the new school year, because H. is actually attending school for now, since apparently she wants to. Being that they go to the same school, they do see each other from time to time. I thought maybe we were done with counseling, but when I realized that H. is still "in the picture" even if not like before, I guess we'll be starting up again...

I feel sorry for your dsd, not having had a mother since she was 3. Do you feel like you're her mother? I hope so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 10:23pm
It isn't that she might be depressed. She is severely depressed. Find a mental health professional and get her an appointment. Not a counselor, an MD. She needs medication to get her through this and out the other side to a normal life. My daughter went on Lexpro during her sophmore year and what a diffrence it made. Grades went up, she was social again, she cared about her appearance, she was alive again. After graduation she wanted to get off the meds and she weaned herself and now she is 21 and happy with no meds. What if we had not allowed her to be medicated as we were fearful of it. I don't think she would have made it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 12:54pm

To be quite honest, I do not feel at all like I am DSD's mother or even her mother substitute. The "mother figure" she has is her grandmother and I am glad that she has someone to talk to. I don't know if people who get their stepkids when they are little feel differently, or is it just me. I know I was never that "maternal" except when it finally did come down to having my own kids. I never was the type to babysit when I was young and I always thought that being a day care provider would be the worst possible job for me. I didn't meet DSD until she was 10. She was a good kid, mainly I think because her dad was very controlling and didn't allow any disobedience, so of course, when she became a teen, something had to give. Although I am very nice to her and will do stuff for her, like take her clothes shopping, I actually do not "like" her, esp. now. There are occasions when she, her dad & I go out to eat, like this week, when she was particularly talkative and she was more enjoyable to be with. I know people might say to find some common interest, but right now, I don't see her having any interests. Last year, we all did get into watching American Idol together, so that was one time w/ the whole family being together.

She has decided this year that she likes the Red Sox, which we all do, except her father. Now, usually, if a kid develops some interest, the parent will at least feign some interest in that to have something in common w/ the child and have something to do together. I'm really not a big baseball fan, I can take it or leave it. There are too many games for me to watch all of them. A couple of years ago, when it was the year that the Red Sox won the world series for the 1st time in 85 years or whatever it was, my DD (who's now 17) got obsessed w/ them and so I started to learn who the players were, etc. Now my son (11) likes them too. My DH's attitude is "I won't like the Red Sox because you all want me to like them. If you didn't want me to, then I would like them." Isn't that the wierdest thing you have ever heard? He's actually not a baseball fan at all, so I figure, if you don't really care, why wouldn't you just pretend to be interested in what all the kids are interested in, or at least don't be against them? This is the kind of thinking that we have to deal with, and he doesn't even see how he could use this as an opportunity to get closer to his DD. Since we (he & I) are the only ones who don't have a TV in our bedroom, he'll also complain that he has to watch what he wants on the TV in the family room and make the kids go watch TV in their rooms, so instead of them having the opportunity to all watch TV together, they are sometimes watching the same show, but in diff. rooms.

I smiled when I read that your DD "stopped wearing black." My DSD is definitely a jeans & T shirt kind of dresser, which is ok. We only make her dress up on a holiday or some event and then she will never wear a dress or skirt, which is fine w/ me as long as she looks dressed up when she has to. The past couple of years, though, all she bought were black T shirts. I don't think she was really into the "goth" style. She's a very big and tall girl (she's now taller than her dad, who is 5'9", her mother was at least 6') and I think she just wears black to hide her weight. We try to encourage her to wear some other colors because she has red hair and pale skin and black just doesn't look good.