Thu update on LARK &DD(14)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Thu update on LARK &DD(14)
10
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:11am

Hey, new icons, COOL!! guess TPTB do listen.....

Well, let's see, On Tuesday, I spoke to DD maybe one sentence in the morning about going home to her dad's instead of my house because she had a concert that night and I wasn't going to it. HUbby and I square dance every Tues. nite. Drove her to school in silence. NO good bye or ILU from either one of us. Figure I never heard a positive response anyway from those two phrases so why waste my breath. There was the assault from Step mother talk which I held at keeping my mouth shut and waiting it out. If she tries to corner me again, I'll have plenty of witnesses and put a restraining order out because after Monday nite, I truly don't know where and why she could snap and that scares the heck out of me.

Tuesday night is the kids with their dad so we went square dancing and ame home and went to bed wihtout having to put kids to bed. It was nice. Wednesday morn, my DS called from Dad's (he still loves his mommy) asking a question. Boy it was nice to hear his nice love voice. I had school and then went to Walmart, had a great experience just walking around with out a 3 yr old screaming, "I want this , I want that". I have decided that my day to go grocery and walmart shopping is when I do not have her with me. Now that day included Wednesdays until 6pm when they all come back to my house. DS had his last basketball game and I went at 6pm to get the kids from the game. Step mom handed me his jacket I said thanks and walked away to sit in a very crowded seat and they pretty much ignored me until I had to drag poor DD(14) out of thier reach so I could drive her to youth group. I said not a word to the girl and when we got to the church, I let the adults know there that my hubby was to bring her home. I didnt' bother to let her know that before hand because she would have fought me on it in the car and I didnt' want to risk the nice silent car ride with a fight. I go back to the game and watch DS lose his last game (his team so sux and the coach is a joke)and then we haste to get out of there without a confontation with Dad and step mother. I get a call at 8:30 from hubby and he says that DD wont' go home with him. Great, knew the good day had to be ruined somehow. She ultimately gets a ride home with a friend of mine and she retreats to bedoom for the night. She locks her door at night but when she wakes up in the morning, I always have it open and ajar. Hmmm....I have a key for her door...just show her who's really boss of this little castle. Take her to school this morning with not a word between us. And this is where i am now.

I disciplined her on 3/5 for 3 months for the tasteless joke on her myspace website and telling me no when I told her to change it. No phone, email, computer, internet, no fiends over, etc... She changed the website so I knocked down the discipline to 1 month, for the disrespect. She is going to want to check her email on Wednesday and I am going to tell her that discipline means that her behavior in the disrespect department was supposed to get better through the month and it in fact has gotten worse so she is still being disciplined for an additional month. In my house, she has not done literally one thing good so why should I give her back what she lost if it didn't teach her anything???

What do you guys think??

LARK

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 8:16am

Lark, I can totally appreciate the situation you are in as I have an ex and dealing with him is no picnic. Likewise I have two teen dd's, one 16 and one 18 and we've been through a lot of what you're going through now. However, I must ask you, why are you giving your dd the cold shoulder? I read the prior post on this and even still, it just doesn't make sense to me.

I can see HER giving you the cold shoulder, as she is a teen, albeit behaving very badly and immature, but at least it's almost expected behavior on her part.

I see nothing wrong with you maintaining the punishment you've laid down, but start behaving like a grown up towards her. Move past the cold shoulder business and not talking to one another. She is your daughter, not your peer and if you want to teach her how to behave appropriately, to learn forgiveness and how to move beyond differences, it's up to you to teach her that. Are you really waiting for HER to make the first move to repair this situation?

IMO, just following through and being consistent in what you expect from her (or any of your children) is what's most important - handing down appropriate consequences for when she disobeys or breaks a rule or is disrespectful of you or your H. Eventually, she will mature and 'get it'. Not talking to her and not telling her you love her is not the way to teach her compassion and respect for you or your differences. If you've said your piece and she knows how you feel and she's dealing with the consequences of her actions, then move on. You're the adult and parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:02am

I don't see it as giving her the cold shoulder. If I say it, she says that I don't and a fight ensues. Why push it?

She knows I love her. I drive her to school, I show by my actions that I love her.

Every word that comes out of my mouth, gets recorded in her brain and is automatically regergetated to her father and step mother.

If I don't talk to her,there is nothing to tell them. Everytme I say something, she says something that tears my heart into little pieces! She cries at night because she does not want to be here. Why should I tear my heart out everytime trying to make a conversation with her. It hurts too much!!

This teen crap is killing me, I dropped another pants size due to this. I am now floating in my size 8 jeans. 3 years ago I weighed 175 lbs! My insomnia is back!

I am doing what is protecting me right now. My heart can't take much more. Thank Goodness that I have hubby and my other two to lean on. At lest they tell me I am a good person when she says the exact opposite.

LARK

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:03am

For a teen, a month is a lifetime and 3 months is forever so I think you did real good by giving her a way to have it shortened. I personally would also tell her that if she could treat us with respect and kindness for a week then I would reward her with a few hours off her grounding but that I would have to approve of the activity she would be doing. Or maybe give her some extra work to do to earn some time off. My DD only gets frustrated with grounding and needs to know that she has some input into the situation.

I can't remember but are either of you in counseling? If not I would strongly suggest that you and your DD seek counseling. It seems to me that she is either reacting to or using the tension between you and your ex and his wife. She needs to learn to work through this and you may need help in figuring out to not let these tensions get to you as well. She sees, hears and feels alot of this and it has to be difficult for her to handle. Put that on top of all the normal teen emotions and its not real surprising she's being difficult.

Also you might want to read my response to mykidzrallright on her post titled "Let me clarify a few things". I totally understand your response to your DD - sometimes I feel like it's a matter of self-preservation. Just don't let it go on too long. A day or two usually is enough for me to get my second wind and for her to get the point.
Good Luck!




Edited 3/30/2006 10:32 am ET by tobylady
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:50am

She wouldn't go in the car with your DH? Sorry, but in the future I'd tell your "friend" not to drive her. She must learn that she cannot control everyone.

One month is excessive I feel. I personally don't understand why parents have such a problem when it comes to the computer - you do know that myspace has created some serious problems for kids right? you do know that you can put a password on the computer right? You do know that as her parent, you can sit there and watch her if you choose, right? You do know that even using a computer is a privilege for her not a given, right?

Sounds to me like she knows exactly who's really the boss in that castle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:34am

Umm...yeah but as long as she gets home to my house and not her dad's, I won in that situation. So I feel that the night was a success.

Computers, ah the good and evil that they provide. It is password protected, and I was amd am one of her friends on myspabe.com. I have a life too and letting her on the computer without physical supervision was a trust issue that I gave her and she broke that trust. Her dad doesnt' even have internet so a month was quite sufficient in her gounding. I need her to realize that there is more to do in life than sit in front of the computer all day when she is here which is what she was doing most times she was home. It hasn't killed her and she hopefully will realize that.

This past weekend, we wathed the movie on Disney "high school musical" and I am buying the soundtrack and taping the movie. I know that she will love having it but I do not know how to go around telling her I have it and she thinks it's a privilege to listen to one of my things. I dont' want her to think that just because I bought this, there is still so much wrong in our relationship.

I am buying it for me because my DD(3) and I will also listen to it alot. We love to dance to it. . But I know that DD(14) will be wanting to listen too and have it.

LARK

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:48am

I often try to do something special for my DD when she's in trouble. The punishment still stands but she also needs to know that she's not a horrible monster and that I still love her and yes, even like her. After a few days, I may make her card and tell her that I'm proud of something specific that she's done - a good grade, an attempt at studying, a nice hit in a ball game, whatever I can find. I may see a fun pair or earrings that I think she will like and get them for her. Anything to break the ice and start getting us back to normal. She doesn't particularly enjoy cooking but I may tell her to help me fix dinner. We tend to get back to normal quicker if we are working on something together. Maybe even just fold a load of laundry together. I hate to fold the whites with all her ball shirts and socks so I ask her to help me. We talk just a little during that. Then we take a break while another load is washing and come back together to fold the next one. A few days of quiet can be good but at some point you guys have to get back to normal. You can start a little at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 1:00pm

<>

You may have won the battle, but methinks you're gonna lose the war completely.

Buying a CD that you know she will want to listen to and already planning to tell her she can't because you're still PO'd at her? Sorry Lark, but that is just downright hateful and mean spirited. If these are the kind of mind games you play with your DD, it is no wonder that she prefers to be at her father's house.

If you aren't in counseling, I think you might want to give it some serious consideration. I know you are angry, upset and under a great deal of stress, but you seem to be laying the groundwork to seriously destroy your relationship with your DD and I don't see how that can be considered a success. There will be no winners.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 1:15pm

I NEVER SAID THAT I WAS GOING TO NOT LET HER HEAR IT!!!

I bought the damn thing for ME!!!!!, why do I have to let her have it when she does this to me???

Look! Headgames are the step mom's games, not mine. I am just trying to find out how I can keep my daughter from telling my whole life story over at his house. They try to destroy my new 9 month old marriage by calling up one of my ex's and telling him they know about my affair! WTF??? I wasn't the adulterer, he was!!!

My DD(14)turns "what the weather" conversations into something twisted and evil and I am at fault!

Forget it, I'll drop off the face of the earth so no one has to worry about poor LARK anymore!

AND I AM IN COUNSELING
!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 1:16pm

Lark,

Whatever else happens I hope you will consider getting some professional help. It sounds like you are under way too much stress and not handling it well. If you don't take care of yourself first, how can you help any of your kids?

I feel like I know exactly where you are coming from. When I first came here, last summer, I was having some very emotional times with my dd14 (then 13). She and I were always so close, and when she began pulling away from me, she was deliberately trying to hurt me, and succeeded. I had many times when I wanted to pull my hair out, when I cried sobbing tears and felt like I'd lost my dd. She's been in counseling since June of last year, and on the third try we found a counselor whom she loves. I have to travel 25 miles each way for her to see her and it is costing us big bucks, but I think it will be worth it. Dd and I are trying to "re-invent" our relationship. As she grows, she is looking to pull away from me and be her "own person". She tends to be rebellious (and yes, I was too...) and wants to often do the opposite of what I would like, just for spite. Things are getting better, though. I have tried "detaching" as is so often recommended, and for good reasons. We love our kids so much, it kills us to go through these years. The key is to have an outlet, and lots of support. Things don't hurt as much when you "detach". That's not to say you don't care, but you're keeping it "under control". Kind of like being at the bottom of the pool holding your breath. KWIM?

In addition to these tough years, you have the added stress of a lunatic stepmom and if I were you, I'd probably feel the same way...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 7:51am

I'm chiming in late here -

Lark, I really hope you and your dd will begin counseling. You love your dd, your heart is in the right place, but you have many things to work through and I know you truly want to be there for her.

This board is a great place to come to vent and it's a great place to come if you're seeking advice. What this board isn't, is a place for validation. You will, as you undoubedly know, hear the honest opinions of a group of diverse, smart and caring parents. It may not always be what you want to hear.
jt