Too much parental involvement = anxiety?

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Registered: 05-12-2003
Too much parental involvement = anxiety?
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Mon, 08-07-2006 - 8:20am
I just read an interesting article from Psychology Today about too much parental concern and how it is creating a generation of wimps. It was really interesting and I've read some other articles on "helicopter parenting" which I found quite good, but this article in particular makes some excellent points. I guess I have been guilty of this at times with my oldest DD. I tend to hover and check up to make sure she is staying on the right track. However, I think if I hadn't done that she would be mixed up with the wrong crowd and be on a path to self-destruction. I WILL give her some free reign at times (though we always have) to try to make decisions for herself. This past week has gone well... she has been grounded and without her cell phone because I busted her for smoking weed. She missed out on some fun with friends... one even came and talked to me and wanted me to let her go with him and he would take good care of her. Teehee.. I told him I trust her with him, but she used bad judgement for which there are consequences. Both DD and friend understood. My plan for the school year is to let her handle things on her own, but if her life is in danger I will step in.
http://health.msn.com/pregnancykids/articlepage
I tried to make a link to the article but couldn't figure it out. If someone tells me how I will try again. Otherwise you can find it a Psychology Today and the article is called "A Nation of Wimps".
Deb
Debbie
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Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 4:09pm

Here's the link: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20041112-000010.html

I did find the article interesting, as I've said before all 3 of my kids went to a developmental approach, "real" Montessori-type coop preschool. I put "real" in quotes because Montessori is no longer what it used to be as parents "push" to get their kids ahead to levels which the teachers don't believe they are ready for, however, money talks. Even back then, I was finding parents who thought it was important to begin the academic push in preschool, spending a great deal of money to get them ahead of their peers. I too wonder how some of these kids will do once they get to university.

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 9:12pm

This article isn't saying anything that I haven't thought for about 10 years now.

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Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:51pm
Glad things went well for your dd and her friend.
Pam
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Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 8:21am

Well,

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 8:35am
Funny you should bring up this traveling business. DD(17) is going on a trip by herself to Florida to visit a friend for a week. I think it will be a good way for her to be more mature and exercise her own decision making skills. Things have gone relatively well lately and DD and I have had some nice mature discussions. I said that I think she has turned a corner and I do believe she has. Regarding this parental overinvolvement, I too have seen many parents trail their kids and make sure their every move is just right. I have not ever wanted to parent that way... I guess there may have been times when I did, but for the most part I let them do their thing unless it involved something that would harm them or put them in a dangerous situation.
Deb
Debbie
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Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:18pm
I agree with this article and have tried to be this way with DD but I didn't always. When DD was younger she was very ill and we were overprotective of her that at age 8 she was riddled with anxiety that we had to get her into counseling. DH and I learned that DD couldn't handle disappointment without having a meltdown and it was because of us!! We never realized that because we didn't want to see her in anymore pain she wasn't developing the skills she needed to deal with situations that didn't go her way. We didn't step in and solve any playground disputes but we were guilty of over stepping our bounds where school was concerned and if a toy over broke we very sympathetic and ran out and got her a new one!! Looking back we were just pathetic!! Having been there I can see how parents make this mistake but luckily we realized early enough and didn't parent that way any longer but it took years to get her to become more independent and have more self cofidence. She is 16 now and I refuse to do certain things for her. She no longer gets any spending money from us because she needs to earn her own money now. When she runs out of contacts she better call for them herself or she'll have to wear her glasses because I won't do it. If she is sick she needs to call herself out of work. If she is failing a class she needs to go to the teacher or her guidance counselor because that's her responsibility. If she doesn't wash her own laundry then she wears dirty clothes. If she doesn't pay her car insurance then she doesn't drive her car...etc. And when she gets upset that I refuse to do something for her I tell her that it is my job as her mother to help her become an independent adult because I won't be here forever to take care of her. I think she is finally getting it though. The hardest thing for me is to try and but out when I hear her fighting with her bf or a friend or something like that that upsets her. I just want to run in there and find out what's wrong and try and help her but I know she has to deal with stuff like that herself. I tell her all the time I'm here if she needs to talk and sometimes she does talk to me and sometimes she doesn't but looking back I never talked to my own mother at all so I guess I'm lucky. Now I'm rambling. Just wanted to say BTDT.
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Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:25pm

Good post, chillie. Thanks for sharing your btdt experiences; I know I, and imagine a lot of parents, can learn from it.

Julie

 

 

 

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Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:40pm

We have done quite a bit of travelling ourselves, and my DD is also very comfortable with the processes. We recently returned from a short trip and I felt like SHE was the adult in charge! Since I tend to get lost, lose my car, end up at the wrong gate in the airport, (well, you get the picture) SHE was the one navigating us through all of that. So, kudos to your DD and her friend for managing all that on their own!

I hope your S has a safe journey to/from Iraq and come home just as safely. Please keep us posted on how he's doing.

 

 

 

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 7:00pm

I just talked to S early afternoon today... he's very tired coz they're routinely working very long days in very hot weather, but he's doing good, his spirits are good, and he says it's not nearly as bad as he was expecting.


Since I posted at lunch time today, I came to a realization.... so much of what we worry about with our kids really is small potatoes.

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Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 10:00pm

Oh gosh, Rose ... {{{hugs to you}}} I will keep all of your boys in my prayers for a safe return to the U.S.

Time does fly too quickly doesn't it? And those babies are grown up and gone before we know it. I take your words to heart as I realize it's just 3 years before my DD heads off to college and starts a life of her own. Egad.

Please keep us updated with how things are going in Iraq. I lived in Saudi Arabia for 5 years (during Desert Shield and Desert Storm -- in fact both DD and DS were born in Riyadh) so I am pretty familiar with how things work over there.

Take care,

Julie