Too Strict Parents!
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| Thu, 10-12-2006 - 11:45pm |
DD just showed me an e-mail from one of her best school friends and I feel terrible! This poor girl has parents that are so strict, she is barely allowed to do any normal teen things and in her e-mail, she wrote to DD that she was up in her room crying her eyes out because she wasn't going to be allowed to go to the Homecoming Game or Dance on Saturday! Her parents won't let her because teen pregnancy is on the rise and California has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country. Can you believe it? Last I heard, no one ever got pregnant while watching a football game.
This is just one example of many. This girl is never allowed to go to any football games or dances. She is not allowed to go anywhere at night unless it is with her parents. DD has invited her here for sleepovers, etc., but the answer is always 'no', because we live to far away and if something happens, her parents wouldn't be able to get to her quickly. Of course, I have driven DD to HER house a number of times (and it's an hour+ away) but it's not too far away when the shoe is on the other foot.
A few weeks ago, DD got an e-mail from this girls' mother, wanting to know who her DD's friends were because she was having a surprise birthday party for her and she didn't know who to invite! She doesn't know her own childs' friends!
DD says her friend was told by her parents that she must stay either in the library or in one of the buildings after school. (They usually hang out in the hallways of the Math building.) She is not allowed to sit out on the patio, the grass or watch sports, either. She must be inside doing homework until her parents come to get her. DD says she gets tired of staying inside all the time and that she has persuaded her to go outside with her some of the time. But the mom phones to check up on her!! To make sure she is still inside. DD says she feels guilty because of her, the friend has lied to her parents, telling her mom they went out to get something to eat or drink if she calls. After a couple times of this, the mom sent snacks to school with the friend to keep in her locker so in the future if she gets hungry, she won't have to leave the building to get something to eat!
I don't even know what to say to DD about this. I told her that it wasn't a good idea for her to encourage her friend to disobey her parents and that I was sorry that her friend felt she had to lie to her parents but personally, I did feel they were being a bit unreasonable. I also told her that she was being a really great friend by hanging out with her and keeping her company after school so the friend isn't alone, when she'd rather be doing something else.
Just venting I guess, but does anybody have any thoughts or dealt with this sort of thing before?
Edited 10/12/2006 11:47 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

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I've run across one or two parents like this, but my kids were never close to their kids.
The DD can't go to the homecoming festivities because the teen pregnancy rate in Cal is on the rise??
My 17dd's best friend has parents like this. They keep her busy non-stop and don't allow her to attend normal teen events. During the school year, they made it mandatory that she join a sport each season, and during her off time she works at the family business...and in summer, she works at the family business from 6AM till 7PM EACH DAY (7days). She has virtually no free time and when she does, she sneaks up to our house to chill with dd.
Often I have to call just to ask if she can join us out for ice cream or to grab a pizza. Today is my dd's b'day and I am hoping this girl can come with us to an event we have planned. She's like another daughter to me, I just love her so much and she's been through so much this year - she lost her two favorite grandparents. Her parents seem very hardened to me.
The thing about parents being too strict or overly cautious without good or reasonable consideration, is that often the teen rebels or lies to do what she wants and winds up in trouble! This girl of ours recently snuck off with another friend to a really really bad city and when her parents found out she was grounded - again. That's what they do, ground her. It's not working so I can't figure out why they haven't found another method or at least come up with some reasonable solutions. I have spoken with her because I can see that she's like a wild young horse - just itching to break free.
I think you're doing all you can at this time. I feel bad for your dd.
<< Unfortunately, if they continue to keep this tight of a reign on the DD, she's going to end up rebelling in a huge way >>
That's what I'm inclined to think too, but the reins are so short and so tight that I doubt this poor child will be unsupervised for a moment until she leaves for college.
DD says her friend has heard so many horror stories that she's a real nervous Nelly -- afraid to do anything or go anywhere because she is convinced she will be kidnapped, raped and killed.
I learned last night that there are some cultural influences involved. Mother is American, born in New York and Dad is Indian, born and raised in India. It seems dad is the one holding the reins, claiming that 'in India football games and dances are not important' so he doesn't see any reason to allow his DD to participate. Sad, huh?
Well Happy Birthday to your DD today! I hope it is a wonderful day for you all ... what fun plans have you made to celebrate?
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That's sort of my theory too. However, as I posted in response to Rose, this girls' parents have scared the livin' daylights out of her. DD says she is such a nervous Nelly now and is convinced that she will be kidnapped, raped and murdered if she is left alone or unsupervised. The reins are so short and so tight on this poor girl that I doubt she will ever have an unsupervised moment to rebel anyway.
The surprise bday party is tomorrow -- lunch and a movie. I am planning on driving DD up and then on to the Homecoming Game & dance after that and told her to let her friends know that I will be hanging around in the area (too far to drive back and forth) and am willing to drive anyone who needs a ride back to the school for the game and save their parents the trip. I am going to feel just awful if, after the party, the bday girl see everyone piling into my car and leaving for the game and she has to go home alone with her parents. How sad is that?
What's really awful is that once the girl IS finally on her own, she may just go crazy and without the benefit of youth, make bunches of mistakes that she normally would during her adolescence/teen years.
It sounds like the parents are very shortsighted - I sure hope someone, someday, points out to them that they need to find a balance. It's not healthy to live in constant fear. Instead they should caution their dd and teach her about general safety and help her to develop her intuition to pick up on a dangerous situation. Those are things that will last her a lifetime and help her to make healthy, safe choices. Keeping her home and discouraging her from having a social life will also have lifelong effects, though not positive ones. I really feel for that kid.
How old is this girl?
First of all, kids strictly brought up DO NOT necessarily go off the deep end in college. That is too much of a generalization. Kids go crazy in college because they have not learned to control their impulses. They don't think things out. I know many, many kids who were not strictly brought up who go crazy EVEN BEFORE they make it to college. They are drinking, having sex at 14 and 15 and 16! The parents don't know. I also know some kids who didn't go to dances and parties and football games who are NOT going off the deep end in college. They are too busy focussed on their goals.
I seriously doubt that the parents believe that going to one dance will result in their daughter getting pregnant. But they rightly see that American culture PUSHES kids to engage in adult-like behaviour before they are emotionally ready. Gee, all you have to do is read some of the posts on this and other similar boards! They might feel that dating at 14 or 15 is much too young. They might rightly worry about peer pressure. They might worry about the rowdy behaviour at football games. They might have other concerns about their daughter that,unless you talk to them, you might not be aware of.
Tell your daughter to not encourage her friend to disobey or lie to her parents. That will show that her parents were right in not trusting her and will only make things worse. Instead, invite the parents over to your house. Get to know them and also let them get to know your daughter. Don't criticize their decisions but let them get to know you and your family. I am sure if you approach them saying that you like to get to know the parents of your daughter's friends, they will appreciate it.
My daughter's bestfriend's parents are very similar. They would not allow her to attend parties or the school dances or football games when she was younger. We got to know the parents and they saw that we shared similar values. We might not have been as strict but we were concerned too about who her friends were. If my DD had a party, I would encourage the parents to come in and stay as long as they wished. In time, the parents started allowing their daughter to attend school dances. The father and I would wait together outside the dance to pick up the girls. They would invite the gang of kids over to their house for get-togethers. It worked.
You do bring up some good points. I don't know whether these kids with very strict parents do or don't go wilder in college or "in life". What I do know is that both extremes of parenting usually result in trouble. I do see the cultural differences - over here the Asian culture usually do not allow their kids from a early age to do sleepovers. In 3rd grade that seems cruel - my dd had a friend who came to the party and had to leave though everyone else was staying over. Know I see the benefits of that because I think that as the kids get older, the overnights become an uncontrollable situation when you can't really trust that parents have similar values. Rather than taking them away, it's easier if you never gave them the freedom in the first place.
However, it does backfire. A friend of mine has a son who dated an Asian girl all throughout high school. Her parents were very strict, and forbid her to have a relationship with an american boy. The result was that the parents never knew a thing - including the fact that the girl dated this boy for years, obtained birth control and had a relationship with him - all under the parent's nose. Of course, my friend (mother of the boy) knew all about it. She's also a girl with very little self esteem or belief in herself. It's all very sad. I guess I'm saying that being very strict works if you can control your teen's whereabouts 24/7 (that means no outside job). Throw in a naturally complicit child (I didn't give birth to any) and you have a good mix. Otherwise, you have a recipe for disaster, imho.
The girl just turned 16. She was allowed to get her drivers' permit at the end of last school year, but she is not allowed to drive anywhere except her mother to the grocery store.
I'm not saying this girl is definitely going to go wild anytime soon, maybe not at all, what I'm saying is that she is not being allowed to participate in any normal teen activities that her friends are able to.
And yes, her reasons for not being able to go to the homecoming game were because "teenage pregnancy is on the rise and California has one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates". Those are pretty much the exact words my DD's friend used in her e-mail to my DD, telling her she would not be allowed to go to the game tonight. Since they all eat lunch together at school everyday and so far, no one is pregnant, I venture to guess that no one is going to come home from the football game pregnant, either. We're not talking about dating here, we're talking about going to a football game and dance afterward with the same 8-10 people she has lunch with every day at school.
As far as them knowing my DD, they know her. DD has been to their home 3-4 times. In fact, they have told their DD that she needs to stay with my DD after school because they don't want her alone. I have met her mother every time the girls have gotten together. Her mother is US born and raised -- it's her father who comes from a different culture, and I can tell you, they have NO interest in getting to know us any better than they already do. That is very apparent.
As far as group get-togethers, the answer is always no. Oh, I take that back -- the girl was allowed to go see a movie with her friends one time over the summer. But she was not allowed to go to the beach, come here for a sleepover, or go shopping at the mall. Too dangerous.
I have to agree with you.
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