Too Strict Parents!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Too Strict Parents!
24
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 11:45pm

DD just showed me an e-mail from one of her best school friends and I feel terrible! This poor girl has parents that are so strict, she is barely allowed to do any normal teen things and in her e-mail, she wrote to DD that she was up in her room crying her eyes out because she wasn't going to be allowed to go to the Homecoming Game or Dance on Saturday! Her parents won't let her because teen pregnancy is on the rise and California has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country. Can you believe it? Last I heard, no one ever got pregnant while watching a football game.

This is just one example of many. This girl is never allowed to go to any football games or dances. She is not allowed to go anywhere at night unless it is with her parents. DD has invited her here for sleepovers, etc., but the answer is always 'no', because we live to far away and if something happens, her parents wouldn't be able to get to her quickly. Of course, I have driven DD to HER house a number of times (and it's an hour+ away) but it's not too far away when the shoe is on the other foot.

A few weeks ago, DD got an e-mail from this girls' mother, wanting to know who her DD's friends were because she was having a surprise birthday party for her and she didn't know who to invite! She doesn't know her own childs' friends!

DD says her friend was told by her parents that she must stay either in the library or in one of the buildings after school. (They usually hang out in the hallways of the Math building.) She is not allowed to sit out on the patio, the grass or watch sports, either. She must be inside doing homework until her parents come to get her. DD says she gets tired of staying inside all the time and that she has persuaded her to go outside with her some of the time. But the mom phones to check up on her!! To make sure she is still inside. DD says she feels guilty because of her, the friend has lied to her parents, telling her mom they went out to get something to eat or drink if she calls. After a couple times of this, the mom sent snacks to school with the friend to keep in her locker so in the future if she gets hungry, she won't have to leave the building to get something to eat!

I don't even know what to say to DD about this. I told her that it wasn't a good idea for her to encourage her friend to disobey her parents and that I was sorry that her friend felt she had to lie to her parents but personally, I did feel they were being a bit unreasonable. I also told her that she was being a really great friend by hanging out with her and keeping her company after school so the friend isn't alone, when she'd rather be doing something else.

Just venting I guess, but does anybody have any thoughts or dealt with this sort of thing before?




Edited 10/12/2006 11:47 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 1:27pm

I think this is a cultural issue

In my job, that means respect it and live with it! I have a home I go into where mom who doesnt speak a word of English greets me and sits there smiling for 10-15 min while dad decides to haul his butt out of the back and grace me with his presence. I imagine this is to show me my place and it has much to do with the fact I am female

It sucks, but it IS their culture and my job is to provide needed services to everyone. And I'm sure their dd, should they remain in this country, will grow up with rules I dont agree with and the fact she is female will have a lot to do with them

IOW this wouldnt bother me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 5:46pm

Well, yes I have, I was a product of this very thing. My two sisters, my parents and I all lived in a four room house when I was growing up. I was NOT allowed to watch cartoons, or any other show except gunsmoke, ironside..and sometimes news.. I never was allowed outside
my yard which was very small (we lived in a tiny subdivision). I wasn't allowed to
ride my bike - only in the tiny yard. When we went out we all went out as a family.
We lived in a town that was seperated by a river and the only way to shopping was to
go over that bridge which I was told I couldn't do. I got to go to church sunday morning,
sunday evening and wednesday evenings... No social life and I hate it to this day!!

Hope this poor child can get some help!

Signlady


"We are Virginia Tech - we will Prevail"


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 6:30pm

Oh wow ... how sad for you! Did you have to leave home before it got better?

I know it's not any of my business, but I'm even more annoyed with this girls parents today.

Her 'Sweet 16' birthday party was planned for this past Saturday at 11:00am, the same day as Homecoming. I was planning on driving everyone over to the school after the party.

At 2:00pm on Friday, the parents cancelled the party altogether, citing a 'family' emergency. They left it to my DD to inform the other guests of the cancellation! I think the mother did follow up with an e-mail over the weekend, though.

Anyway, DD called me from school to say that the bday girl had brought all the guests 'party bags' to school today. The parents aren't even going to reschedule! That's it ... no party at all. DD is trying to organize with all the other invitees an after-school gathering for this week with cake, pizza, etc., and have everyone bring the gifts they were planning on giving the bday girl on Saturday so she gets some sort of celebration for her Sweet 16!

Thanks for sharing your story ... I hope your adult years have been happier ones!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 1:59pm

I feel really bad for this girl, esp. since her parents obviously think that her BD isn't important either.

My DSD (16) only has about 2 friends she does things w/ outside of school and unfortunately, one of them has a super strict mother, for no apparent reason because the girl seems pretty well behaved to me. Her parents are divorced and it's just the 2 of them. Since my DSD and DH only moved here 4 yrs. ago, it was a little hard for my SD to make friends. Since my DD played soccer in the league w/ this girl's mother, I approached her after a game one day and said something like "We would really like for B to come over to our house one day." She made some comment about not liking it when kids made plans at the last minute. She has let her DD do some things w/ us. Since the girls don't have their driver's licenses yet, she will occasionally let them go to the movies because we are driving and picking them up. But it always seems like things are at the whim of whatever the mother feels like doing. There have been many times when my DSD makes plans and the friend has to cancel them at the last minute cause B's mom changed her mind. I supposed she has never thought about how this was really disappointing my DSD, who then got stuck not having anything to do cause it was then too late to plan w/ someone else. It has gotten to the point that my DSD rarely asks B to do things anymore cause "B can never go out." Instead, she will go out w/ her other friend, whose parents aren't so annoying.

In response to the other poster who said it's a "cultural thing", that might have something to do w/ it, but it's not necessarily representative of Indian culture. One of my co-workers was a woman whose parents were both born in India, but they were well educated people. My friend went away to college and attended law school and she never said that she didn't have a normal social life in high school. Whatever nationality they are, it probably depends on how "old school" the father is, how he understands American life (it doesn't seem like he cares much about it), how long he has been here, etc.

It's really unfortunate that there's nothing you can do to make this girl's life less miserable because the parents' strictness isn't child abuse. I can't imagine what they will do when the subject of dating comes up. I suppose she will never be allowed to date if she can't have any female friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 4:20pm

Thanks for your thoughts. It gets worse re the bday party, though! It is sooo much not my business, but the way this all played out really made me and DD mad!

16th bday party was cancelled at 2:30pm the day before the party was scheduled, due to a family emergency. The 'emergency' was that great-grandma (whom girl had never met) had fallen ill and was on life-support ... in INDIA!

The family wasn't planning on flying out to India and there wasn't anything they could do for Great-Grannie from here, except sit by the phone and wait for updates and it sounds like that's just excatly what they did. DD's friend did homework all the day she was supposed to be celebrating her bday with her friends. At the risk of sounding cold-hearted, I just didn't understand this. If Great-Grannie were here in the states, I could see dropping everything to be with her, but in India? Why not just go ahead with the party? It was only for a few hours anyway.

DD and I felt so terrible that we went out and bought a bday cake, candles, party favors, etc. for DD to take to school the next day. DD called all the other guests to see if they could hang around after school for a while for a mini-party, bring their gifts, etc. It sounds like it worked out pretty well, DD's friend was very surprised and very appreciative.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 1:38pm

You obviously have a misunderstanding of their culture.
In Indian culture as with other very traditional cultures, family is very,very important. Duty towards elders of the family is taken very seriously. No wonder the party was cancelled. By the way, they sound like a very traditional family. Is the mother also of Indian descent? They could be a semi-arranged marriage (i.e.. families introduce the young couple) still common among very traditional Indian families. If they are, no wonder the parents are very strict. Are they Hindus? Muslums?

Take this opportunity to buy a condolence card for the family. Mail it with your sincere condolences.

By the way, I am not of Indian descent although I do know a few first generation Indians.
But I was brought up in a very strict

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 1:50pm

Why are you angry?

They are mourning the death of the close family member. If they are Hindus..

"Hinduism considers death and birth to be connected with ritual impurity. This impurity is more severe during the death than at birth, so a death requires 12 days of ritual impurity (applied to all the members of the direct family).

Hindu mourning begins immediately after the cremation of the body and ends on the morning of the thirteenth day. Traditionally the body is cremated within 24 hours after death, however the cremations are not held after sunset and before sunrise.

Immediately after the death an oil lamp is lit near the deceased and this lamp is kept burning for the first three days of the 12 day mourning period. During these mourning days, the immediate blood family is considered to be in a state of extreme ritual impurity and bound by several rules. They must not touch or go near the family shrine, must not enter a temple or any sacred place, must not take part in any other religious functions (except funerals), must not recite or read from the holy scriptures, must not visit other family members or friends, must not attend social functions like marriages, parties etc. On the day on which the death has occurred, the family must not cook as it is considered to be inappropriate to light the family hearth when one of the family member is being cremated, hence usually close family and friends will provide food for the mourning family.

If the death has occurred away from home and there is a delay in the cremation process, the family has to follow these rules even though the formal mourning period has not actually commenced, the actual mourning period of 12 days begins immediately after the cremation ceremony of the dead has been completed.

If a religious festival falls during this period of mourning, the family cannot celebrate the festival as they are in a state of ritual impurity. It is prohibited for other family members or friends to eat or drink in the house of the family who are in mourning.

On the morning of the thirteenth day, a Shraddh ceremony is performed. The family wake up before sunrise and have a purifying bath. The main ceremony involves a fire sacrifice , in which offerings are given to the ancestors and to other gods, to ensure the deceased has a peaceful afterlife. Typically after the ceremony, the family cleans and washes all the idols in the family shrine and flowers, fruits, water and purified food is offered to the gods. Now the family is ready to break the period of mourning and ritual impurity and return back to daily life. Usually a modest rangoli or a kolam (decorative design)is drawn outside the house (which is erased the next day) and the family members visit a temple, the first time after the death. Generally the period of subdued mourning lasts for full 12 months, during which the family may not celebrate festivals like Diwali, attend marriages and parties.

The mourning period generally comes to an end on the first anniversary on which the annual Shraddh ceremony is conducted.

Since the funeral rites are so essential, Hindus without a son to perform them have been known to adopt one, usually a younger male relative."

So you see, if they are Hindus, OF COURSE THE PARTY WAS CANCELLED. A great-grandmother would be considered a member of the immediate family. It doesn't matter if the girl has not meet her great-grandmother. She is a member of the family.

Buy a card of condolences for the family. That will go along way in bridging the cultural divide.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 4:00am
My kids grew up in a community that was largely Asian and we found there were many cultural differences. Some of which were wonderful and others that made me frustrated for the kids. Most were never allow to play outside or to have a social life. It was normal school, additonal tuitoring classes and Chinese school. When DD was in grade 7 one of her friends was terrified to go home because she would be punished for getting a B+ in one subject instead of an A. I encouraged DD to have her friend talk to her favourite teacher about this situation and I would suggest that your DD suggest this to her friend. Many different cultures respect the authority of someone who is a subject matter expert like a teacher or a guidance counselor. It's a place to start for the friend. Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 10:20pm

I had superstrict parents. They were immigrant parents with very old-country type values and they drove me crazy. When I was a kid I had to stay on our porch or front or backyard and had to ask permission even to cross the street to a friends house. I didn't go on many field trips because my mother worried I'd be lost or get hurt. As a teen, I did no after school activities and always had to come straight home after school where I had to start dinner or care for my younger sister. I could go to the library with my friends but had to be home quickly. I was not allowed out after dark. I wasn't allowed to go to high school dances or go to the movies with my friends or just "hang out" anywhere. I was 18 when I had my first serious boyfriend and we could rarely go out anywhere or double-date. Even going for a coffee or ice cream was a huge deal. I had a job as a teenager but again, had to come straight home from work -- no socializing with coworkers allowed.

So what did this result in? Well, I was a very good student and I did get good grades. I had a small group of close friends. I didn't get into any serious trouble as a teen. How could I? But I did rebel. I rebelled a great deal. I smoked behind my parents back. I didn't have boyfriends but I did have guys I hung out with at school. I snuck around with those boys by cutting classes or going places with them at lunch hour. Frustration and ridiculous rules and expectations motivated me to marry my first serious boyfriend to just get out of the house and free of my parents. I was only 23. I married the first guy who liked me seriously -- my parents kept saying I could do better. How exactly they expected me to do better when I couldn't even go to a friggin coffee house to socialize with anyone I have no clue.

My parents held on to me so tightly that I did everything I could to get away. Typically these strategies cause the opposite effect desired. With my own kids I am far less strict. I encourage responsible socializing and I truly hope I don't drive my kids to the desperate decisions I had to make...

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:04am
Thanks for sharing your experience. My grandparents lived with us when I was growing up and they sound very much the way your parents in regards to socializing and experiencing life. I recall my mom trying to explain to my grandparents that we were "just being kids, having fun and getting to know one another, etc." and my grandmother telling her that she was a bad mother for allowing me so much freedom! Ha-ha.