Too Strict Parents!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Too Strict Parents!
24
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 11:45pm

DD just showed me an e-mail from one of her best school friends and I feel terrible! This poor girl has parents that are so strict, she is barely allowed to do any normal teen things and in her e-mail, she wrote to DD that she was up in her room crying her eyes out because she wasn't going to be allowed to go to the Homecoming Game or Dance on Saturday! Her parents won't let her because teen pregnancy is on the rise and California has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country. Can you believe it? Last I heard, no one ever got pregnant while watching a football game.

This is just one example of many. This girl is never allowed to go to any football games or dances. She is not allowed to go anywhere at night unless it is with her parents. DD has invited her here for sleepovers, etc., but the answer is always 'no', because we live to far away and if something happens, her parents wouldn't be able to get to her quickly. Of course, I have driven DD to HER house a number of times (and it's an hour+ away) but it's not too far away when the shoe is on the other foot.

A few weeks ago, DD got an e-mail from this girls' mother, wanting to know who her DD's friends were because she was having a surprise birthday party for her and she didn't know who to invite! She doesn't know her own childs' friends!

DD says her friend was told by her parents that she must stay either in the library or in one of the buildings after school. (They usually hang out in the hallways of the Math building.) She is not allowed to sit out on the patio, the grass or watch sports, either. She must be inside doing homework until her parents come to get her. DD says she gets tired of staying inside all the time and that she has persuaded her to go outside with her some of the time. But the mom phones to check up on her!! To make sure she is still inside. DD says she feels guilty because of her, the friend has lied to her parents, telling her mom they went out to get something to eat or drink if she calls. After a couple times of this, the mom sent snacks to school with the friend to keep in her locker so in the future if she gets hungry, she won't have to leave the building to get something to eat!

I don't even know what to say to DD about this. I told her that it wasn't a good idea for her to encourage her friend to disobey her parents and that I was sorry that her friend felt she had to lie to her parents but personally, I did feel they were being a bit unreasonable. I also told her that she was being a really great friend by hanging out with her and keeping her company after school so the friend isn't alone, when she'd rather be doing something else.

Just venting I guess, but does anybody have any thoughts or dealt with this sort of thing before?




Edited 10/12/2006 11:47 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:15am

I think it's a very difficult situation all around when people from another country move to America and the kids are trying to be American and do whatever the other American kids are doing and the parents are trying to stick to what they know from the old country. I work with mostly Chinese people. One woman has a son who is also in 5th grade, like my son. She said that American parents will complain when their kids have too much homework, but Chinese parents will complain if their kids don't get enough homework!

The funny thing is that my grandparents were born in Italy and came to the US when they were little. Now of course my mother & aunts were kids in the 1940's when things weren't as free as they are today, but my grandparents weren't that strict w/ them. as my aunt put it, they knew what the rules were and as long as they were doing what they were supposed to do, they could have freedom to go out w/ friends, etc. I mean, this was during WWII, and my mother could still go to dances, go out w/ friends and have an after school job. It's funny too because many people in India are very modern in many ways. The majority of young people are college educated, etc. so I guess it just depends on the way these people grew up. They are probably afraid of losing control of their DD and that she will become American and not respect their culture any more. I can't say I agree w/ the way they are going about this.

As an aside, for interesting book which is about an Indian family that came to the US and had kids here and how the son tried to get away from the culture, is called The Namesake. I can't remember the author's name.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:20pm

Thanks for your comments and thoughts, everyone. Not both parents are from a different culture -- only dad. Mom was born and raised in New York, (still has her accent) and I have also met maternal grandma, who is American born and raised as well.

I understand that in a multi-cultural marriage, there will be conflicts. It appears that mom will occassionally go to bat for dd's friend and try to get him to agree to allowing her to do some normal teen things. But it seems that mostly she defers to his decision as she is not usually very successful.

DD mentioned again this weekend that she felt bad that her friend was doing things her parents might not approve of, because of her. We're not talking anything terrible here, maybe something like watching a football or volleyball game or just getting out in the fresh air, instead of sitting in hallway of the math building doing home work (or nothing at all) until her parents get there. I told dd that if it wasn't her influence specifically, it would be someone else and it might not be so innocent then.

I guess I just don't get the "if it's not important to me, it's just not important" mentality. I still feel bad for this girl. DD was planning on asking her to go on the Haunted Hayride at the fairgrounds this weekend and sleep over, but she is pretty sure the parents will say no, so she may not even bother.

I feel bad for dd too, because she is really very fond of this girl and they share a lot of the same interests -- not only do they have the same name but they aspire to the same international university! Something they had each decided upon before meeting on another.




Edited 10/23/2006 12:26 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:50pm

Would it help if you extended the invitation?

Perhaps in a "if you'd like to pick her up after teh hayride instead of having her stay all night, we'll be home by 10PM"

It may easy for dad to blow off family members(mom/daughter)but more difficult coming from an outside adult-it may become "oh, maybe this is something I should pay attention to"

I know DH is all American and bullheaded as they come-he is remarkably agile at shutting out my voice

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 2:44pm

My 17dd had the book The Namesake for part of her Summer reading last year and I read it - it's a very interesting book, a nice look at other cultures. The author's name alludes me for the moment, but there is another book by the same and that is also interesting, actully more interesting.

My mom came of age just before WWII and her parents came to American in 1918 so she faced many of those same challenges. However, my grandmother was permissive with her, allowing her to attend dances, etc., but she had to hide it from my grandfather. Ironically, my mom was little ahead of her time and got herself into a little trouble...hence my grandmother's warnings when I (and my siblings) were all coming of age in the 60's and 70's...lol.

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