On top of everything else....

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Registered: 03-26-2003
On top of everything else....
11
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 1:25pm

My In-laws are coming. As if I need the added aggravation of playing hostess right now. I made reservations at a local B&B for them (they've stayed there before). I told H we needed to make reservations and tell them they will not be staying with us. They had planned on staying with us in our little house. No joke, our house is just right for the four of us and even then it can get too crowded. Add his parents and I just want to run screaming from the house as if my legs are on fire.

I simply cannot handle the stress of playing 24 hour hostess right now while trying to work and get dd into a PHP. H said okay, but I can see that he's annoyed with me for putting his parents off. But, part of my reasoning is not just about keepin my sanity, it's also about the fact that when MIL/FIL visit his sister or brother they stay at a hotel...but for some reason they feel comfortable TELLING us when they are visiting and then staying at our house. They have stayed at B&B or hotels in the past, but last year they stayed with us for 3 days, which was fine since neither of my girls were home at the time and it was just H and me. But this year, we have high drama going on and H is in the process of getting some construction underway and it's simply not a good plan.

Last night while speaking with H, his father started yelling at him, like he was 12 or something, and H just told him and then when he hung up, H threw the phone across the room he was so upset. He wasn't pissed with me, I realize it was his dad. I know it's difficult for him to tell his parents "no", but I just don't care. I am his wife and this is our family and home and if we're not up to having full time guests, then we have to draw a line somewhere, don't you think?

I am also concerned because H has been sober since December but his father is a major alcoholic and I worry that the added stress will cause him to slip. He is not in any formal program, though he should be, so I am worried that his will power and that the added stress may, well, you know.

His parents like you to believe they are low maintenance, but really they are extremely high maintenance. His mother stares off into space as you're speaking and you can feel her eyes boring into you as you're telling her a story (as if you're on a petri dish!). Five minutes will pass and suddenly she will respond and it takes you a minute to realize what she's even talking about. She once sent H and me a xeroxed article from a magazine about healthy eating after spending 4 days with us over Christmas holiday!! Meanwhile, before they came I planned out a strict diabetic menu for HER, made assorted cakes and cookies that were diabetic friendly, etc. I mean, I took great pains to make sure we only ate healthy foods while they were here, which wasn't even a stretch for us since we almost always eat healthy. In her little cover letter she commented that we eat very fatty and unhealthy foods(??), which is a joke because we're all very slim and healthy. Ugh - I don't mind spending the day with them, but I want to be able to say goodnight and send them back to thier hotel in the evenings so H and I can decompress.

Funny story: A few years ago, we planned a family vaca to FL, during which we were visiting the In-laws for 4 days and 3 nights. I reserved a hotel for the last 4 nights of our vacation nearer Orlando, away from his parents home on the shore. H told me to cancel the reservations. I didn't. After day 2, H asked me if we still had the hotel reservation, I smiled YES and H packed faster than I did when it was time to leave!!

I know that they will ask dd about her future plans, which she does not have and that's stressful for her right now. In fact, it came out with the hospital counselor that was the very question freaking her out. We need to practice some answers...and she needs to learn that it's OKAY if she says, "I really don't know yet" and leave it at that.

H's family is a scholarly bunch, H being the only one who did not complete college, and I know they assume that everyone will attend. Ugh. When dd19 first was accepted to the CIA for culinary, they scoffed at that thinking she was merely taking some tech courses in baking. They couldn't be more wrong - the curriculum and programs are very rigorous and intense. And when they learned that dd was spending her externship at a popular golf and spa resort, suddenly they are interested and plan on visiting her there later this week.

I don't want to work myself into a frenzy, but I am dreading this visit. I am hoping that dd17 will be busy with friends so she doesn't get stuck under the microscope with us. Ugh. I usually wander off to my gardens or take the pups for a walk to take small breaks. What else can I do to keep my sanity???????

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Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 1:35pm

Oh God why is it so HAARRDD with in-laws eh? You just want to tell them that its just not the right time and things are really hectic right now and to come another time but you know you just CAN'T. Last summer I had a major run-in with my FIL and I was just ready to -- I don't know -- tell him to $*&%#^##@! You know what I mean. But I couldn't. I wish I could just tell him what I feel -- that he is a profane, self-righteous, LOSER who made his son's life miserable with his criticisms and comparisons...

But you just know they won't change right? They are too OLD to change. You can't be in your late 60's, 70's and all of sudden realize what a mess you are. At least its not likely.

What do I do to relax? I leave. I take walks, I go watch movies, I read -- anything to escape.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 1:49pm

Well at least I don't have the stress of having in-laws visit!

Pam
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 1:50pm

What really makes me feel guilty about not allowing them to stay with us is that H loves when my mom is with us! She stays with us the entire time, but she's so easy in that we don't have to entertain her really. She enjoys being alone during the day and visiting with us each evening and as long as I make dinner and stock the fridge, she's thrilled to just read and watch her programs or sit outside on the patio.

H's dad treats him like he's 12 (partly because H allows it, I should add) and he is boistrous and an obnoxious drunk. He travels with his own Gin. Ugh. And his mother is plain wierd. Sometimes I will turn around and catch her just staring at me - like boring holes through my head. It is so unnerving, I can't tell you.

I think what pisses H off the most is that their timing is so completely bad but he doesn't know how to tell them to reschedule, so we just suck it up and let them come so we can get it over with and move on. Ugh.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 2:00pm

Oh Pam I hope the visit to Northwestern creates some hope for Jason. It is heart breaking to sit idly by while your child is suffering to such depths inside. On the one hand I feel like I'm spinning my wheels trying to help dd, but on the other hand, I feel so unable to help her. I know exactly how you feel. Yesterday and today were good days. Saturday, not so much. I guess several friends of hers had graduation parties at thier homes and not one of them thought to call and invite her - that was hurtful to dd. I could see she was very hurt over that. And of course, after a while, hanging with good old mom isn't going to fill the void that only a friend can fill. We did find her a replacement car last night so that will help her feel better. Next, the program and then hopefully a job will come along that suits her. I don't want to push her too hard, but she does need something going on in her life to keep somewhat busy and occupied. When she's bored, that's the worst...it allows her the time to begin dwelling on the negatives.

The DR upped her antidepressant just a wee bit, which has helped. The only thing is that with bi-polars, too much AD's can cause them to become manic and very impulsive so I have to watch dd like a hawk. If she feels anxious or nervous, we have something she can take to settle her, but so far she's only taken a 1/2 at night 4 times, so at least she's doing well in that department.

Today, Wed and Fri, she will help my sister in her bird clinic so thank God for that!

Meanwhile, the PHP is in place, but the wait is still on - could be another 2 weeks. I am having a really tough time finding an interim counselor for dd. Her age is tricky, not quite 18, but not really an adolescent in the eyes of the counselors, kwim? Speaking of which, I better get back to the phone and make more calls!

Hang in there and many hugs~

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Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 12:32am

I feel bad for both you and Pam--it's so hard dealing with our children's depression. Hugs to you both.

Don't feel bad about asking your inlaws to stay elsewhere. There are times we just gotta do what we gotta do. And this is one of those times for you!

I remember when I was pregnant with DS17 and my SIL wanted her daughter (our niece) to come and live with us while she attended HS here in the States, at a private school. We did not object to that, but she also wanted my MIL to come and stay with us to take care of our neice--as if we wouldn't do a good enough job providing for her. There was no way I could deal with a new baby and TWO house guests with non-American eating habits, long-term. They ended up getting an apartment where our niece and MIL stayed. We felt guilty, and I believe my SIL still holds a grudge because of that, but we had to say no. We're still married, and I'm not sure we would be had we agreed to my SIL's plan.

Don't hesitate to get away when your in-laws visit. If you need a break, take it.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 8:57am

You absolutely have the right to expect them to stay elsewhere, especially since they already do so with another family member. It's not like you are being the odd woman out in the entire family.

It will be hard on DH-that's okay-let him toss a few phones and stick to your guns. He deserves his emotions and it's not your responsibility to keep him happy. Im speaking for myself here-I find when DH is in the dumps or upset, I automatically assume it's something I have done or I can fix. Duh! There are so many times I'm upset about work or with myself and it has nothing to do with him-why can't I allow him the same right?

All parents think they are low maintenance but the very fact they are parents makes that impossible-something I hope I remember when my MIL days come

Hang in there-you made the right decision

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Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 10:21am

I'm sorry - I know I should know this - but what does PHP mean?

My TT (18) has just been prescribed medication for anger management. He has not been diagnosed bi-polar, although I have my suspicions. I had a very long conversation with his psychiatrist yesterday, bringing her up to date on his activities (which we all know HE won't do), and she's concerned - moreso about his non-compliance with medication than anything else.

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Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 10:29am
PHP is partial hospitalization program.
Pam
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 10:41am

It is very difficult to keep an older teen on thier meds as prescribed. So often they think of thier meds like they are aspirin - take as needed. And those meds do not work that way, as you likely know.

PHP is Partial Hospital Program - it consists of intense individual & group therapy as well as medication management if necessary. It is during the day at an outpatient facility and is usually between 9AM and 2PM. The problem is that there is a wait time and I'm so afraid if too much time passes, she will not do it. She's already starting to get back to her normal little self, trying to go out everyday. Ugh. This is hard.

Best of luck with your ds!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 10:44am
Wow, Pam, Jason's program is a lot longer than dd's will be. A friend of mine said her dd's program years ago was really long like Jason's as well. I guess we'll see.

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