Tough Love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tough Love?
12
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 2:13pm

Ok, dd is a Freshman in high school and in all honors classes. She is pulling a 4.0 but is fighting to keep her A in Honors Geometry. Her other classes are all too easy for her. She could do better in her Honors Geometry but she hates math and gives minimal effort.

This morning, dd did not want to get out of bed for school and feigned back pain. Further discussion uncovered that she didn't want to swim in PE today because she is having her period, and she did not want to go to math class because she might have a math test today and she did not study. The PE teacher gives nonswimmers an automatic F for the day, no excuses without a dr's note. Then, she is having trouble with some of her old friends. They make her feel like a shadow, according to dd.

OK, I compromised with her. I let her stay home through second period PE because I can understand that she does not want to swim during her period (she does not use tampons). However, I took her for third period math, ready or not. Was that too tough? I am afraid if I let her stay home to avoid a test, we would set a bad precedent and she would use that as an out in the future.

DD then surprised me and begged to do something other than regular high school next year. She wants to attend an online high school. I told her that I didn't condone hiding from her problems with her friends by staying home next year. I do not think she would benefit from homeschooling for the rest of high school.

What do you all think? Am I being too tough? Should I give her more ability to choose where to go to school next year, online or not? Should I have let her stay home from school to avoid the math test?

Mimi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: kidsandroses
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 2:32pm

I can't see how your DD could be giving minimal effort to geometry and still be getting an A. Since it's the end of the year almost and if your DD hasn't been in the habit of not studying for tests, I would probably have let her stay home this one time w/ a warning that it wouldn't happen again. Since you know she didn't study, how is it really going to benefit her if you made her go to school and she gets a low mark on the test?

The other day, my DD asked to miss Spanish, which was the 1st 2 periods. She said most of the class is juniors, who have a month more of school after the seniors get out (she's a senior) so of course, the teacher is still making them learn a lot of stuff. She has one more week of school, then exams. She won't have to actually take any exams since she has an A or B average (a privilege only for seniors). I figured that by this time what difference did it really make? She's graduating at the top of her class, already got into college, etc. All 4 yrs. she hardly missed any school, even when she was sick. My DSD, a junior, on the other hand, who is a poor student, will say she's sick an awful lot, it seems to me. She keeps complaining of headaches & stomach aches. If I were the parent, first I would make sure to get her a physical to see if she really is sick or not. If not, I would make her go to school unless she was extremely sick.

As far as online school, I really don't know anything about it. I am not a big fan of home schooling. I don't see at the high school level how parents can know that much about all subjects. Plus I think kids miss out on the social, sports, etc. Let's face it, knowing how to get along w/ people is a skill that everyone has to develop for the rest of their lives. The high school years are full of drama and it usually passes eventually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kidsandroses
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 3:21pm

I would not have let her stay home for either reason myself.

I would be asking what could change next year at high school to make it more appealing? Get out of the honors math track? Start the year off with math tutoring so she stays on top of things? More extracurriculars? Less extracurriculars?

It seems that should be thoroughly explored before something as drastic as changing schools is discussed(doesnt matter if its online or the other one in the community-thats a big step)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
In reply to: kidsandroses
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 3:27pm

I think you handled this just fine. I would be sympathetic about the period/swimming too, but not so much about the math test -- she knew about it and could/should have been prepared. It sounds like she is doing just fine in math, even if she doesn't like it. That's a darn good grade for someone who doesn't like math. It seems there are a lot of kids who do well in the classes they *like*, and let the others slip. I think you are lucky here.

My DS is in 7th grade, hates school and we've talked about homeschooling quite a number of times sincd 1st grade. The "I hate school" and "can I homeschool?" conversations usually began when he was having friend issues. I would tell him that we could certainly consider it, but that he would need to finish up the quarter, semester, year ... whatever, so he would have a good 'starting' point and I could get organized with books, curriculum, etc.

In the few days between these conversations and the time it took for him and his buddies to resolve their differences, or issues with teachers resolved themselves, his desire to homeschool disappeared. I've never had to actually even had to spend a moment looking into it before he was happy again. Well, as happy as he can be with school. If he has a good group of buddies, he's happy.

Going out on a limb here, but I would venture a guess that your DD will change her mind about homeschool/on-line school before long when things smooth out with her friends OR when she makes other ones.

OTOH, I met a young lady at one of our local shops today who told me she graduated high school in 2.5 years! When I asked her how, she said she took 9 classes a semester on-line and/or thru homeschool because she just 'wanted to get it over with'. She is only a year older than my DD (who is a sophomore) and plans to take a break before she starts college. I don't know what she is going to *do* in the meantime besides check-out videos and scoop up ice-cream, but it seems to me that she may miss out on a lot. But that's just me talking, because I had a blast in high school.

Anyway, what part of Sunny Southern California are you in? I'm in the San Diego area.

 

 

 

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
In reply to: kidsandroses
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 3:54pm

I would also probably have let her miss PE but not the math test.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
In reply to: kidsandroses
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 4:28pm

Thanks for all of your feedback.

I think you are right. She will probably schange her tune about homeschooling when her social life evens out. DD is indeed having trouble with her girlfriends right now. She's made some new friends, but she really doesn't have a strong group of friends to do things with and she can't seem to find her niche. Although she is welcome to hang out with more than one clique, she is on the periphery. Last year, in middle school, she definitely felt that she belonged to her group. She bragged to me that her friends cared about her and even claimed that her friends accepted her for who she is more than we did. Now that she has learned for herself that her friends aren't nearly so caring and loving as she had thought, she finds it hard to hang out with them at all.

Funny, all during Christmas break, she moaned about how she wanted to get back to school. Now, she doesn't want to go. Maybe she's a little burned out from all of the standardized testing over the past two weeks.

Yes, she is doing well considering her aversion to math. She really dislikes the math books used by the school and, on her own, requested permission to do independent study with the text of her choice for math next year. Her request was denied. Changing from the honors program is an option, but both the Geometry and Algebra II teachers recommended against it when she went for sophomore scheduling.

I really do think she was trying to hide from her problems today, so I am feeling better about having insisted that she go for her math test, ready or not.

When she goes away to college, I want her to have the confidence to face tests head-on and not try to manipulate her schedule by feigning illness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
In reply to: kidsandroses
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 4:31pm
I think you've got a good point; ways to make next year's high school experience better is important. I think we might want to look at alternatives to the co-ed PE program that she abhors.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
In reply to: kidsandroses
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 4:55pm

I finally had to adopt a "you can only stay home from school when:" and a "I will only pick you up from school when:" policy.
Unless there is blood spewing forth from your eyeballs, or there is a bone sticking out, you are going to school.
I just keep thinking that the school systems (and sometimes us because of pressure...:-) ) are breeding a whole generation of kids that think that because it is too cold outside they don't need to go to work. Or that they don't have to do go to work because they 'dont feel like it today'
Gym aside, if they don't go today, they will have twice as much work to do tomorrow.

So, were you too tough, nope. You were probably not tough enough. :-)

Shannon

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
In reply to: kidsandroses
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 3:10am

I don't think that you were too tough. I make my children go to school unless they are like near hospitalization, especially when Connor was still in high school. Like once or twice has Madison stayed home because of a test or anything, but it was only around midterms or finals, never on the day of the actual exam, and after she cried from exhaustion and stress.

As for the not doing online classes, I think you did the right thing. I personally am not a fan of homeschooling and I think that your daughter is just using it as an easy way out. Make her deal with her problems and I think she will be glad in the future.

Adelaide

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
In reply to: kidsandroses
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 11:09am
Just wondering why she would not use a tampon for swimming class.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
In reply to: kidsandroses
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 12:12pm

I'm sorry, I just had to reply and stomp on this notion of forced tampon usage. That is complete bull dust and I wouldn't do it - I don't give a damn the consequences!

I don't wear tampons, and nobody - I MEAN NOBODY - is going to tell me that I have to. It is a personal choice. Everything to do with an individual's body is that individual's choice. End of story, goodbye, the end!

Would the school like to be responsible if I got Toxic Shock Syndrome? I wouldn't remember to change the thing every eight hours. Great way to get an infection, too.
I don't want a stupid tampon to break my hymen. That is for my husband to break when he takes my virginity on our wedding night.
I don't want to shove something up there, either.

It is nobody else's - and I mean nobody else's - right to tell a woman what to stick into her body. I'm appalled that you actually accepted this, because I have no better or politer words for that. The words I'd be using are expletive in nature.

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