Tough question from my DD
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| Mon, 06-26-2006 - 9:53pm |
I could use some help in how to answer the question my DD(almost 15) asked me tonight.
"Why is Dad more affectionate with S (DS7) than he is with me?"
gosh that got me right in the heart
My DH is not the most affectionate person in the world. I've sort of come to terms with that in my marriage - I know he's devoted to me and he's a good dad and husband - but he's not one to say too much.
And part of me has been dreading this conversation with DD for a while. I mean, she tries so hard for a positive word or gesture from him, it's got to be frustrating when it's so hard to get. Again, he loves her very much and is very proud of her. But he doesn't hug her, except (she told me tonight) in the morning when they go their separate ways on the subway. He says "love you" to her, but usually after she says it first. When she does something great, he's more likely to tell me how proud he is of her than to tell her.
I've chalked this up to how he was raised. My MIL is a mean crazy person who never sees good in anyone, and pairs every compliment with a detraction. Her father, with whom they lived for many years, was worse....he never took time for the compliment. MIL's mother was very nice, but not a strong personality. He does not like to be vulnerable. He was more giving when we were dating, and first got married, but not so much now. He's also struggled off and on with depression, although the last major episode was when DD was very little.
But, back to her question. For some reason, he has a different relationship with DS. DH and DS have a great bond. Maybe it's a boy thing - he can relate to him more. Maybe it's because DS expects less, or what he expects is more concrete (a squeeze and a kiss on the top of the head; someone to kick a soccer ball with) and what DD needs/wants is more abstract. Maybe it's hard for dads with almost grown daughters?
I said all of this to DD, and somehow it seems unsatisfying. What else can I say or do?
Should I say something to DH? I don't want to make him feel guilty, but I feel like I'd like him to know how he impacts DD.
DD has figured out that the way to get Dad's attention is to do the things he likes or respects. When she was little, I would get interested in what *she* did, she never had to work for my attention or affection. DH had a harder time, and could mostly relate when it was about what he's interested in. As she's gotten older, she's developed some interest that are similar to his - music being one. Tonight they are at a jazz concert that she bought tickets to for a father's day present for him. In one way this is a good thing - a very good thing - that they share. But OTOH, is this how hard she has to work to get positive interaction with him?
UGH, this got long. Any advice is welcome. Any BTDTs? I have a warm, huggy dad, in some ways the opposite experience so it's hard to know how to advise her. And how do I avoid feeling guilty for putting her in this place - I love my DH, but I've seen this side of him for a long time and feel like I should have protected her(?).
Sue

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Thanks for the support and BTDT!
Sue
It's amazing how many people go through similar things - that's the great thing about the internet for me! Like your DD, mine is trying to find more things to do with DH. And since they've been commuting together, they talk about more things. Maybe for her it's the verbal expression that's missing - the hardest for him to do.
The concert was fun - not the best music, but definitely a good bonding for them. DD had money to pay the cover charge and the food bill, but DH wouldn't let her pay. He said just making the reservation for them to do it together was a present enough (SEE! he can be sweet, it's just in the conventional way)
Sue
Thanks for the insight. One thing I am trying to teach my DD is to be more upfront about what she wants - and maybe this is part of it. If you want more from dad, tell him!
Sue
Thanks - wow your perspective is a nice one! I *am* glad that my DD talks to me about it, and wants a closer relationship with her dad!
Now if I can just get him to give a little too
Sue
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