Troubled

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Troubled
3
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 3:17pm
A year ago I moved to another state with my two daughters (14, and 17). Everything was fine with them about the move. They were sad about missing friends, but they also were looking at the move as a fresh start. I moved to be with the love of my life, and they seemed to be happy with that. The whole trip up my 14 year old was glued to the telephone
talking with her boyfriend. By the time we got to our new place She was in tears, and calling her dad wanting to come home. He is the kind of dad that has always talked bad about me to the kids, and didn't care how what he said affected them. If he could hurt me it was worth it. Anway, Her dad tells her if she didn't like it she could come home. We share custody, but I have primary. Her boyfriends mother, and the boyfrind drove up the next day....I thought that was kind of wierd, but the mom said She just wanted to show them that they were not that far away in distance, and they could still visit. So they came, it only made things worse. By the end of the visit both of my daughters rode back with them to be with there dad for what I thought would be a week. Just to give me time to get settled in. The seventeen year old came back, but the fourteen year old stayed. Things have not been the same since. At the end of the summer my 17year old wanted to go back, and start her junior year with her old friends. It was hard, but I understood that she wanted to finish her last two years with her friends. We are very close we talk on the phone every day, and she visits very often. In January my 14 year old decided that she wanted to move back up here. I was so happy!! That lasted three days...Her dad was pulling her from me, and making her feel bad about moving, and the boyfriend got in the picture as well. She is so head strong that I knew if she stayed here...She would be a run away, and get into all kinds of trouble. So she went back to stay with her dad. We had long talks on the way home, and I told her that I just wanted her to be happy. The problem is that Her dad has been turning her against me. She now says things like you abandoned me.....and You would rather be with a man than come home and be with me. This hurts really bad, because clearly I want her to be with me. I would go get her in a second. I just think it's more important to her to be with her friends than to be with me. She is living with her dad, and the sad thing about it is she stays at home maybe three nights of the week...even on school weeks. I guess if a child has a choice they will choose to be where they can get away with what they want. The sad thing is that she had a choice in the first place. I know that if I got full custody, and she had to live with me....She would run away, and God knows what else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: kimmya44
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 4:46pm
Sorry that you are going through this, but I would be most concerned about a 14 yo girl who has such an attachment to a boyfriend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: kimmya44
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 6:20pm

Sorry you're going through this, but I feel very strongly that your dd14 belongs with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: kimmya44
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 3:52pm

Your DD sounds very confused. Is there any way to get her & you into some kind of counselling? I don't know how far apart you live or how often you see her. What makes you think that she would be a runaway or get into trouble if you insisted that she live w/ you?

I am a family lawyer and I see all the time things like "well, my DD doesn't want to have visitation w/ her father, so I don't make her go." The judge's response is usually "It isn't up to the child to decide this, it's up to the parents." so in a way I feel that you ceded responsibility to your 14 yo child to make this decision when, since you had custody, you could have insisted that she live w/ you. I know it seemed to work out w/ the older child, but when she moved back in Jan. why did you give in after 3 days? I know I am one of those kinds of people who hates change, so whenever I start a new job, new school, etc. it does take me a while to get used to it. Well, that's done, so the problem is how to fix it now. I do think that you have to get the word out to your ex that if he doesn't stop saying bad things about you to your DD, you will go to court to enforce custody and even stop him from having visitation because that's totally inappropriate.

I think your DD is probably saying that she wishes that you & her DF at least lived close enough so that no matter who she lived w/, it wouldn't be that hard to see the other parent. Plus she's probably mad that you moved out of state and took her away from her friends. Maybe she is hoping that you will move back to the orig. state if she needles you enough, since you gave in when she wanted to move back w/ her dad.