Troubled Teen
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Troubled Teen
| Fri, 05-18-2007 - 2:23pm |
Hi
I really need help. I don't know where to turn. My 16 yr old daughter has turned a corner & I don't know how we'll ever get her back. She started hanging with a bad crowd- Senior's and one thing lead to another. This girl who up to this point has been a really good kid, began lieing about everything-big things and well as really small stuff. She has never even been asked out on a date (although she is beautiful), but during the Christmas holiday - a 171/2 yr old from school talked her into a ride home from school and had sex with her in our house with me right around the corner coming home from work. She only told me because everyone in school found out and was saying she was pregant. She was not. Since then, I've had her in couseling - to no avail- she lied continuiously. Now although my husband (her father) and I have monitored every move she's made...She decided the other day to leave from school & go out this the same boy as above and after looking for her for 4 hours, we finally tracked him down by cell phone, (She wouldn't answer her cell because she knew we were calling) he would not bring her home. The police were called and spoke to him via cell, then she appeared at home with someother guy- who didn't even know her! Since then I'am exhausted. I am angry. She hates us. My happy home is falling down around us. Everyone tells me to find a support group - she can't be helped until she "crashes". How do you let go? Her future is so ugly I can't bear it. Any mom's out there who can help I really need help bad. I have never felt so lost.
I really need help. I don't know where to turn. My 16 yr old daughter has turned a corner & I don't know how we'll ever get her back. She started hanging with a bad crowd- Senior's and one thing lead to another. This girl who up to this point has been a really good kid, began lieing about everything-big things and well as really small stuff. She has never even been asked out on a date (although she is beautiful), but during the Christmas holiday - a 171/2 yr old from school talked her into a ride home from school and had sex with her in our house with me right around the corner coming home from work. She only told me because everyone in school found out and was saying she was pregant. She was not. Since then, I've had her in couseling - to no avail- she lied continuiously. Now although my husband (her father) and I have monitored every move she's made...She decided the other day to leave from school & go out this the same boy as above and after looking for her for 4 hours, we finally tracked him down by cell phone, (She wouldn't answer her cell because she knew we were calling) he would not bring her home. The police were called and spoke to him via cell, then she appeared at home with someother guy- who didn't even know her! Since then I'am exhausted. I am angry. She hates us. My happy home is falling down around us. Everyone tells me to find a support group - she can't be helped until she "crashes". How do you let go? Her future is so ugly I can't bear it. Any mom's out there who can help I really need help bad. I have never felt so lost.

Remember, you can be doing all the right things and the most you can do and still, bad things can happen!
It's like with 2 yr olds and time outs. "overall" they are effective but there are still times they misbehave, test the waters, or just have bad days
IOW don't get too discouraged by this one latest incident if 'overall' things have been okay-and okay doesnt mean perfect
You have her in counseling and you are keeping tabs-that's great! Yep, she can still cut school and you cannot be expected to go hold her hand through classes 5 days a week. She will find ways if she tries hard enough
Is it about this boy? I guess Im confused there-do you have a rule against dating or have you forbidden her to see this particular boy? Would allowing them to date in a supervised setting help take away the excitement of sneaking around?
Edited 5/18/2007 3:11 pm ET by windrush54
Hi
Thanks for responding. The boy is a problem, but not a major one. That's a great amount of my disconcern. She doesn't seem to think anything is a big deal. The boy, he really doesnt seem to matter to her. Which is why I was so distressed about her attitude about sex. She claims "Everybody does it". She claims that we don't let her 'live her own life". Her outrageous moods vary greatly. I've tried to match it to her cycle but I can't quite pin point it. My family (who are not really close enough to the situation) have suggested that we have her drug tested. My thought to that is she is not acting drunk, wild, silly, sleepy, etc. I could. I just don't think it's that. She has no money. No job. Doesnt go out except for with the girlfriends we know and there families. She goes to the movies, the mall, sleepovers, etc. She has such anger towards me- for not letting her go. Do I just say go---go where ever. The only time she has even asked to go was once to a different boy's house, and I drove her there to "hang out". When we pulled up it was a disaster! The boy 16 has his own "apartment" in the basement. On the spot she even agreed, it would be better to come back to our house with the boy. I drove them back to my house and he stayed for dinner. It turned out ok. But, now just let her go!!!
Oh God, I don't know. I'm about to give up! If I knew that raising children was going to be this bad, I'd have stuck to dogs!
Thanks for your help. I need it!
Terry
Rather than have HER in counseling, get yourself and your H into counseling so you can learn a different way of parenting your dd. It's not that you're doing it wrong, it's that whatever it is you're doing, it's ineffective and you need to find and develop a new strategy. You need support, you need a place to vent your anger and frustrations over dd's behavior.
At 16 the laws are very tricky, at least they are here in CT. At 16, a teen can leave home and the police cannot make her come home. Yet, if that 16 y/o get into trouble with the law, the parents can and will be held responsible.
You can't be with her 24/7 and as much as I know you want to keep constant tabs on her all the time, it won't work. She will just lie better, learn how to be more sneaky and conniving. She will go underground, the BF will have one of his buddies drive her home so he cannot be touched by you. Everything she is doing is exactly what will get worse the more you try to be like Big Brother with her.
It is true, it's likely that she will not turn herself around until she crashes. But in the meantime, you don't wait it out. Instead, you find yourself some support, you keep doing what you're doing in regards to curfews, etc., and you repeat yourself over and over again about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior. You let her know your expectations, you keep a close eye on her progress at school and you continue to maintain reasonable boundaries.
Be consistent. Don't allow your anger to boil over and cause a meltdown each time she misbehaves or is unreasonable. Make an appt with a gyno and get her on the pill or some other hormonal BCP. If you suspect that she may be experiencing mental illness, have her evaluated by a pediatric psychiatrist, however, I just think this is TT stuff and she's just gotten herself into a situation that is spiraliing. Very often when young girls become sexually involved they lose themself in the relationship and will do anything to spend time with that person...their attitudes become skewed and they forget everything else. Perhaps you could extend an invite to this boy she's seeing to a sunday dinner so you can at least have an opportunity to meet him and get to know him better. Instead of fighting tooth and nail, try and work the situation so you can all work together.
Hugs and best of luck!