Troubled teen boy reaching out

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Troubled teen boy reaching out
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Sun, 10-14-2007 - 12:26am

A few weeks ago, I posted about one of the kids that I work with at church. He has been suspended from school several times already this year for dress code violations, vandalism, and not sure what else. He admitted to me that he was doing whip-its (a form of huffing) and sneaking out at night. He has a difficult home life with parents that have problems of their own. After his last suspension for dress code violation, he had agreed to give school another chance. Less than 3 days back, what does his mom do? She bought tickets to a video game expo! Since it was out-of-state (long way), that meant that he would have to miss another 3 days of school! I couldn't believe it - why on earth would a parent do this? We have a very strict attendance policy in our school system - 6 absences, for any reason including medical, and you fail. Now, there is an appeal process but I seriously doubt that dress code violations, vandalism, and a video game expo will qualify, especially, when my DD's mono only partially qualified - she had to write 4 term papers over Christmas break in order to pass her courses, even though she had already made up all the work she missed and had straight A's.

He called me late last night b/c he and his mom were fighting and he needed a mom. They were fighting over what movie to watch and according to him, she threw an ashtray at him. He said he started to swing at her but remembered my telling him that sometimes the kid has to be the mature one and walk away, so he went into his room and called me. I'm very proud of him for walking away and not letting this escalate. We talked a little while and he told me he was thinking about not coming back to church for a while b/c he doesn't feel like he fits in (and really, he is quite different). I tried to explain to him that this group needs him to be complete. The world is made up of different types of people and, even though, it's tough, we have to learn to get along. Plus, I would really miss him. I also reminded him that he doesn't come to church just to fit in with the other kids but to worship and hopefully learn something about being the person God wants him to be. He seemed to get that - but we'll see!

Please send A and I all the prayers and positive thoughts you can - we need it!

Thanks for letting me vent a little.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 7:25am

Wow - what a special person you are for supporting this boy - sounds like he really needs your strength right now. Here's hoping he can find the strength to get back on track.

((HUGS))

Sue, mom to Leah and Seth


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 1:55pm

Tobylady, I remember you talking about this young man. Sure sounds like he is dealing with a lot in his life. I hope he gets on the right track soon, and it sounds like he may be headed in that direction at least a little bit. Hang in there you are doing a wonderful thing by being there for this boy.


You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us informed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 2:19pm

How wonderful that you are there for this struggling soul. It sounds like you have all the right words for him.

His mom threw an ashtray at him? I'd call that child abuse, and along with the fact that she wants to pull him from school for a video game expo, I'd say the mom is also guilty of child neglect. Even if he causes his mom lots of problems, there is no excuse for an adult to act the way you describe. Perhaps the boy would not want you to report his mom to CPS, but I'd say he needs to get out of his current home environment.

Best of luck to him, and you as you try to rescue him.

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Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 3:35pm

Sometimes I feel like he takes one step forward and two steps back but I keep telling myself that at least I'm walking with him on these steps forward and back - he's not alone. The school has contacted DHS and they've talked with me at A's request. They explained to me that due to his age and the fact that he only lives with mom 1/2 the time (shared custody 50/50) that he is not a candidate for foster care. However, due to his many problems at school, they may be forced to look at a youth group home. Right now, they aren't going this route b/c he has never been in any trouble outside of school. The group home idea scares the crap out of me b/c I'm just afraid that he will be pulled further in the wrong direction. I'm sure there are some good ones around but it still scares me.

He didn't come to church this a.m. I really feel that he needs to be there if for no other reason than to have a little time in a positive environment.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Lia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 4:53pm
Wow. That is a tough one. I got my son from the foster care system. He has experienced much worse abuse and neglect, and ever since he was a baby. Parents didn't lose their rights permanently until he was 14. Anyway, what I've learned from his experience and from other foster children, is that the trauma of losing their home and being taken away from their parents is a terrible wound that never heals NO MATTER HOW BAD they were abused. Obviously, it has to be done in way too many cases because there are some pretty awful parents out there - but we have to be really careful about pulling a kid from their home environment too quick, because that could ultimately be far more damaging to them than staying in a "somewhat" abusive or neglectful environment. If we were younger, I'd say that CPS should be getting involved to offer the family services, get the mom counselling, and give her some parent-training classes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 4:59pm
I agree with
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 5:18pm




Hugs to you Lia.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 4:24am

In the days when extended families lived in the same neighborhood or town, there were aunts and uncles who kids in the family could turn to when they couldn't deal well with their own parents. These relatives acted as surrogate parents and because they were not involved in the discipline of the kid, could dispense responsible advice and comfort.


These days, when families might be living very far from any relatives, it falls upon wonderful strangers to fill that extended family role. So Aunt Tobylady, congratulations for carrying on this noble and very needed tradition. In all the years I worked with kids who were to some degree on their own, just like the kid you are working with, I always saw my role as being a surrogate uncle (sometimes parent) to them.


Even if his home situation never improves, his contact with you, a caring adult, will get him through.


Jason Wittman

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 12:05pm

It just strikes me that, even though this boy has been causing some trouble in school, that suspending him from school is the exact opposite of what he needs right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 5:30pm
I tell all the kids that I work with that they are like nieces and nephews to me, in that I love that as if they are family and also that I usually see them more often than I see my only nephew. I hadn't thought about the lack of extended family but you are right in this case. His parents moved here a couple of years ago from the midwest and he only sees grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc once or twice a year. I hadn't given that much thought. Thanks for that perspective.

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