Troublesome: "I'm popular" syndrome

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Troublesome: "I'm popular" syndrome
2
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 12:45am

My DS is quite pleased with himself that he is (in his perception at least) finally one of the "popular" kids. He goes to a small MS school -- there's only about 30 kids in his 7th grade class -- so the popular 7th grade boys apparently consist of him and one other boy. But... then there is the larger group of popular GIRLS. Who I'm thinking have decided who the popular boys can be. (An extra-incentive to the testosterone crowd is getting to hang with these girls, it seems.)

Considering my son used to be the reserved, slightly geeky, book-reading, quasi-non-social, smart kid, it's nice for him to get a chance to feel like a big shot, even in the little pond of his small school.

However, I'm getting the impression that his new "position" and friends are leading him to get close to some behaviors that will land him in hot water. Not anything overly horrible or terrible or frequent. He still brings home behavior grades of "Excellent" nearly every time. But I just discovered tonight that two of his buddies got in trouble for some recent attitudes and behaviors DS also participated in. One friend was suspended, for something I know DS also did. (Why my son wasn't suspended I've no clue.) Another friend ended up in Saturday detention, partly due to behavior on a field trip, behavior I just discovered my son also participated in.

Amazingly, DS managed to escape both suspension and detention. I've no clue why unless his consistent good grades and 5-year long reputation as a "good kid" saved him. But I'm sure he is "on the edge" and close to falling.

My sense is that his desire to be popular is making him forget that rules and the concepts of right/wrong still apply to him. And I'm a little bit concerned, especially after hearing about the other boy's suspension.

Has anyone else faced this with during their child's catepillar-to-butterfly period? If so, how did you manage it? Remember, he's not in trouble --- yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 9:22am

My DD kind of sat on that precipice for awhile too, not that she was hanging with the uber-popular kids, but just the opposite - a lot of her friends were the "in trouble all the time" gang. She managed to stay out of trouble for the most part, only had one after school detention, but I did worry about her. All I can say is, make sure your DS fully understands your expectation and that there will be consequences if he doesn't stay on the straight and narrow. Don't criticize his friends, focus on the behavior that gets them in trouble. As soon as you criticize the friend rather than the behavior, DS is likely to tune you out and his loyalty is likely going to be with his friends rather than with you.

Good luck!
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 10:24am

Popularity in middle school is prone to be short-lived. My dd is in 10th grade and when I think back to the "popular" crowd in her rather small school back in 7th or 8th grade most of those people barely register in the much larger high school.

I think back at this point to the popular girls of 7th or 8th grade who were only popular due to maybe blossoming a little earlier physically than other girls. Now 2 or 3 years later all the others have caught up and popularity won on that basis has gone away without something solid behind it. The boys I knew who were popular due to maybe being a bit more charismatic have remained successful and popular due to their parents continuing to be involved, their keeping their grades up and staying with the interests that made them well-rounded like music or art or sports. The ones who were girl-chasers and nothing but are finding their popularity dwindling except with a less desirable crowd.

The criteria for popularity changes radically as these kids progress through school and as with all areas of life building a life on others' opinions of ourselves is not as sustainable as building a life based on our own strengths and passions.

Therefore I agree with the other poster that you should keep an eye on his behaviour, ensure he is building solid relationships at the same time he is toying with fleeting ones and he'll be okay.