Trust, distrust, too strict, not strict
Find a Conversation
|Fri, 04-18-2003 - 2:01pm|
Recently she has disappointed me. I am so hurt with what I recently found out. Her behavior was so out of character and I am affraid I will not be able to trust her anymore.
She recently spent a week at the beach w/ 3 g/fs supervised by me and my dh. We gave them what I felt to be a reasonable level of freedom. They were allowed to hang out on the beach at night with all the other kids and their friends until midnight. They were always very good about sticking to this. DD also kept me posted - calling in from a cell phone from time to time. During the day they hung out on the beach or walked to near by shopping and restaurants.
DD has a b/f who did not go to beach. After coming home from the beach this b/f broke up with her - the first day back at school. This as a shocker b/c he was madly in love w/ her. She could do no wrong in his eyes. He wrote her songs, showered her with true, sincere caring and affection. Everyone talked about how much in love he was w. her. My dd told his best friend that he broke up w. her and he was so totally stunned. Did not believe it. They had been going out for 6 months.
Well - I asked dd what happened. She claimed she did not know. Said it was probably just like how you know when u first start dating someone you are all crazy and excited about them - then you just get tired of the relationship. Well - this just did not make sense to me. I asked her if she did something at the beach that he heard about that mad him mad. She firmly said no!
OK - I snooped and saw an email from another x-b/f she had broken up with to go w/ this guy. Basically she and this x were in an agrument - something about her accusing him of betraying their friendship and him stating he did nothing wrong but she did - she betrayed her b/f and herself. She said she knew what she did was wrong and that she would have likely told this b/f b/c she would not be able to face him w. this in the back of her mind.
Now my curiosity is really getting the best of me. I grill my dd some more. (Not letting her know what I know). She continues to deny any wrong doing. She basically is blaming him saying how he will not even talk to her. By the way, the first day back from the beach, the b/f came over. They had a serious conversation in the back yard - I could sense the tone from afar. But later he was holding her in his arms. He left and everything seemed fine. I know now he already knew what she had done this day he was over and I know that she admitted it to him. I am guessing this x b/f I mentioned earlier told him.
So - I still do not know the whole story. But through a little sneakiness and invasion of privacy I learned what happened. Fortunately it did not involve drugs, sex or alcohol. But she did 'cheat' on the b/f by being w. another guy in terms of kissing, hugging, etc. She also did something else I am embarrased to say. Something not becoming of a lady and what I believe to be proper behavior.
My problem - how do I approach this with her w/o spilling the beans or her learning how I know what I know. My dh and I have always had talks w. her about what constitutes proper behavior and the difference between what we feel is right and wrong and morals, etc. So I do not think another generic talk is enough. She even talks about the poor behavior of some other girls - but some of the things she critcized them for doing I have now heard she has done. I am guessing this tactic is to keep me off course. I am concerned too b/c of the impact this may have on her reputation at school.
As I said, and I trully believe, this is not my dd's typical behavior. And I can tell by her emotions of late and behavior she is very concerned that she has made a mistake. But I feel I still somehow need to drill it home. And let her know I am on to her behavior. I have not talked to my dh about what I know. There is no doubt he would lock her in her room until she turned 21. He is very strict but is less informed on a lot of stuff with her or the kids in general than I am.
Why is it so hard raising teens? I would love to hear others thoughts on this.