Trusting the Untrustworthy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Trusting the Untrustworthy
4
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 4:06pm

I've complained about DD-almost-14 and her bf and how I had to go home one day and throw him out of the house, etc. Then they broke up. I knew the calm wouldn't last long...

Now she's supposedly "dating" a senior--the only male on the cheerleading squad, P.

My dilemma is actually bigger than a bf.

I've spent lots of time, energy, and money scheduling DD so that she's not home alone this summer after the earlier stunt with bf#1. She's already burned me. Two days/week she will volunteer at the library. She's done at 1:30 so I allowed for those afternoons to be for the brand new city pool. We have a city service van (transit) that will take her and drop her off if I make arrangements for it. Last week was the first trial.

I let her go to the pool with 3 girls and one guy friend. She calls me when she gets home to tell me that they hung out under cover after they cleared the pool during a thunderstorm. She had told me that she might ride home with one of the kids parents if it timed right, but later looked me in the eye and told me she rode home on transit.

The truth is: when it started raining they all piled into Ps car and drove around town, went to McDonald's, went to the park to go mudsliding, then dropped off all the other kids and the two of them ended up at our house. (I find this out 6 days later by reading notes in her room and emails.)

Same day the same group wants to go to the movies. She's always been required to have an adult *in* the same theater. Since I know the kids pretty well and DH and I want to go to XMen3 we decide that they can go by themselves and we'll be in a different movie with roughly the same timeline. Apparently P met them and went to the movies with them.

Double edged sword--I can't trust her. So I can't give her any room to do anything. But if I don't give her opportunities to be trustworthy she'll never be able to do the right thing. I'm angry that she looked me in the face and lied to me. I'm scared for her because I know there aren't too many reasons a senior would be interested in a freshman 4-5 years younger who is not allowed to date (unless her reputation preceeds her). She broke several rules--lying, getting into a car with a teenage driver, omitting names of people who were going to be part of the day/night's activities, cruising around town when we have no idea where she is, etc. I'm frustrated that I give her chances and she kicks me in the teeth every time. Several of the things we've scheduled for her this summer are expensive and/or just plain fun reward type things that she really doesn't deserve at this point.(EX: a week-long overnight horse camp at $400...overnight, mixed group. Can you see how scared I am?)

Should I talk to this boy and tell him to stay away from her? If it's not him it will be another boy so that doesn't solve the problem. She doesn't listen to me when I talk to her. She doesn't care what I think. She used to be affected by my feelings--not anymore. As soon as she gets home from cheerleading camp I am taking away her house key and we've already changed the code on the garage door so she can't get into the house. That doesn't really solve the problem, either, since he has a car. I'll be confronting her with what I know and see how she explains it--hopefully I can stay calm and open the door to a conversation instead of just shaking her like I really want to do.

Staying one step in front of her is exhausting and she's not learning the lesson. Any advice? (Is she too old to spank? *kidding* mostly)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 4:54pm

Not much advise, just wanted to tell you that I do understand what you're going through...I'm still having a hard time with the trust issue and my own dd14.

The little advise I have is to obviously confront her with the information you have which shows she's been lying to you. Tell her that she is not helping to rebuild the trust between the two of you since the last incident. I think you're doing the right thing. As for the camps and the fact that they are "rewarding" her I wouldn't worry about that. It serves your own purpose of keeping her busy all summer and out of trouble.

If it were my own dd, I'd want to sit down and have a talk with her about hanging out with a senior and all the ramifications of that. She'll probably roll her eyes but from what I've heard, they are still listening...

Good luck, know that you're not alone. I think some girls are simply more "challenging" than others at this age. Hopefully that will make them unique and strong women, as they grow. Hope springs eternal...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 1:12am

UGH..her again? ;)


Oh lordy you've got one of those. I don't have any experience raising teen daughters, but I was a naughty one like your precious DD. Stay on top of it and talk to her about what you

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 3:58pm

Yup, one of *those*!

I tried to talk to her last night, opening with "Who's car was in the driveway last Wednesday?" She continued to lie to me for quite a while until I finally said "that's funny because transit told me that *I* had to call for you to be picked up. I didn't call so how did they know to pick you up?" and she finally admitted to getting a ride with P.

She never did cave and admit that he met them at the movies. She did want to know who told her his car was at the house... ha! As if I'd tell her!

It turned into a mini-lecture. I told her I was scared for her, worried about her, angry that she lies to me, and embarrassed that my almost 14 yo daughter can't stay home by herself at all because she's a liar. Told her lying to me would be one sure way of making sure her high school years really suck. (I don't like that word, but it's part of their vocab and it made my point.) That she has lots of milestones coming--that getting your learner's permit and later a driver's license, let alone a car were things that, at this point, she doesn't deserve because they require responsibility.

I have 2 major points I keep playing on with her: I know the results of lying to your parents when you live in a small town--I did it. I would change that if I could. I also know what it's like to be somewhere other than where your parents think you are and have something go wrong. My dad was in a serious car accident when I was 16 and no one could find me. I ended up accidentally driving up on the scene of the accident while he was trapped in the car.

Getting long winded here, so I'll stop. I told her she lost her pool priviledges; that if an adult that I know and trust isn't going she's not going. Told her she blew horse camp. She's getting tired of being shuffled several nights a week because she can't be trusted to stay at home for even a short time so she's at her grandparents some times, her dad's sometimes, her aunt's sometimes...

Thanks for the advice and support. You guys definitely make it easier! I still may end up bald, but at least I won't be alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 12:04pm

BTDT - Good Luck!! It's not easy but calm and consistency are they keys here. When you talk to her, she will try to push every single button you have. Do NOT allow this. If necessary end the discussion and resume it later explaining that this is getting too emotional and nothing will be solved this way and walk away. I think I wore a path out in my yard between the back door and the pond.

Also make it very clear to her that when she breaks your trust, privileges will be taken away, extra chores will be assigned, grounding, whatever - make the rules real clear. But also point out to her that you can't possibly imagine everything that she might do so she has to use her brains, common sense and values. For instance, it never entered my head when we were lining out punishments/rewards that at 15 DD would think to get a friend to pretend to be his father so that she could stay at a party w/o supervision. She was expected to use common sense. Her idea in this was that she wasn't lying to us - her friend was. She was punished (extra chores and some grounding) as if she had lied to us herself.

I think I would have made a very good private detective. I learned to pay attention to the most minor thing and see how it fit into the big picture. I also learned to let go of some of the smaller things and focus on the big things - her values. Yes she got punished/rewarded for her actions but our conversations surrounding punishments/rewards were focused more on her values, common sense, etc than the actual offense. For intance, the party conversation was more focused on honesty and trust than the fact that she was at an unsupervised party.

It honestly took about two years. But she's on the right track and we trust her as much as most parents of 18 y/o's do (probably more). She tells me more than I want to know b/c she knows that open communication is how to build trust. She came to me when she needed birth control, she told me when she decided to quit having sex, she told me about her plans for prom night, she told me about her b/f getting so drunk he got lost in a strange city, etc. I still doubt her sometimes but I usually just ask her anything I want to know and she answers. She may not like that I ask but she understands that I'm the mom and I love her and usually am asking b/c I want to make sure she's safe.

I also read alot of books on parenting teens. It gave me a lot of suggestions and food for thought.

Good Luck! 14 - 16 were the worst years for me with my youngest DD. 19 - 20 were the worst with oldest but thankfully she was away at college and I was oblivious until she outgrew it.