Turning 18, what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Turning 18, what to do?
8
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 9:25pm

Hey guys, heres one for you...

My daughter turns 18 this week and she is already expecting for a later curfew,
more freedom....etc...

This involves going out at 11 or 12 midnight to start a date?? This boy she is
dating is already out of school (although he is only 3 months younger than she)
He graduated early... anyway he works from home for a computer company doing
programing and he thinks theres nothing wrong with going out at 11 pm or
12 am for the dancing, and god knows what else. According to my dd this is
quite normal for him. I am afraid that she will leave soon as to a comment
that she made when we told her "as long as you live in our house, you go by
the rules" then she said "I guess I will be leaving soon then."

I know this must have been mentioned before here.. anyone have any ideas as
to what the best course of action would be?

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 2:34am

LOL..This one really cracks me up. I think all teens are pre-wired to assert their emancipation on their 18th birthday. It's a cute right of passage that is not to be taken too seriously.
Been there...done that..with two boys already. I'm laying the groundwork for a smoother transition with DD (15) who is already making noises that she can "do whatever she wants" as soon as she turns 18.

The only thing that changes on their 18th birthday, is that if they screw up, the legal system treats them considerably harsher than a day ago.

Unless they have an inheritance trust from some distant relative that I don't know about, and kicks in on ther 18th birthday providing them complete financial, schooling and housing independence from me... the "do whatever I want" system based on a gregorian calandar just doen't punt with me.
C'mon mom...:-)
Surely by now you can't wring your hands over that age old empty threat which translates to....."cave into my demands or else"
The best course of action? Give this issue the attention it deserves...none.

Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 11:02am

I agree with daddioe. So the law says they are adults at 18, so what. Can most of them survive on their own? Like daddioe says, unless they have some large sum of $$ of which we are unaware, the answer is a definate NO.

Perhaps you can play along with her and ask her how she plans to support herself once she moves out? Does she think the bf is going to take her in and support her? Hmmm, I doubt it. HOw about a job? What type of a job is she planning on getting at her age that will allow her complete freedom from you? Housing, food, insurance, all those are things for which she will have to pay and that's not easy for an 18 y.o. with only a HS diploma. We all know how expensive life is, now-a-days.

Perhaps you can come up with a compromise in regard to the curfew. Perhaps you can extend her curfew up to, say 1 or 2 am. Otherwise, her bf can simply change his schedule and go out earlier. After all, if he really wants to go out with her, he'll compromise.

We had similar issues recently when my DS turned 17 and the town curfew no longer applied to him. I have to tell you, it's so easy to blame the town than to have to battle with a teen who wants more freedom. LOL Anyhow, we compromised. I told him that he could stay out until 12am both weekend nights, as opposed to only Saturday night and that, occassionally, if he had a good reason and if he called me ahead of time, I would let him stay out later. So far so good.

Good luck. I hope your DD comes to her senses and realizes that moving out is not a viable option.

Mily

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 11:17am

When my dd turned 18, we discussed later curfews also. I gave her an extra hour, but she usually only takes about another 1/2 hour. Her curfew moved from Midnight to 1AM. The bottom line, and I reminded her of this, was that she is still in school, still responsible to us (her family), would still be expected to contribute to the family chores, etc., and still be expected to attend nightly dinners except when working. IOW, as long as she is a student and we are her main supporters, she will be expected to follow the rules. I didn't say it in a domineering way, but in a very matter of fact way, as if stating the obvious - very reasonable. She still loses time out for going over her curfew, which she rarely does. I will bend the rules if she's going to a special event, but I always did that.

To me, this is about respect and common courtesy and if your dd doesn't have that by now, you will be in for a battle until she does move out. Be patient but be firm - outline the guidelines very clearly for her and explain exactly why (none of which have to do with you being "the parent, that's why" are good reasons anymore, either). It's a matter of respect, courtesy, safety, consideration, & responsibility.

Good luck! I expect that when my now 16dd I will be in your shoes!

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 4:30pm

ITA with this post. At 18 we wanted to stress that "adulthood" had responsibilities and to be treated more like an adult they need to behave more like an adult.

We did loosen up some on curfew times. If your dd goes overboard you can always reel her back in, just like when she was younger. If she wants to move out, you can't stop her. They find out pretty fast on their own that there is no deal as good as the one they had at home.

My dd actually did move out. I think she was hoping that her bf would invite her to move in with him, but he didn't. He let her stay with him for a while until he had to go out of town, then she was couch-surfing and that got old fast! She needed to find out for herself what the trade-offs are, complete freedom but struggling to eat and pay rent vs living a fairly comfortable life. She is back home now and really appreciates the perks so she is willing to give up some freedom. I'm telling you this so if your dd does make good on her threat it isn't necessarily a disaster, more like a speed course in reality.

BTW, it seems to be pretty common for young people these days to start the evening at 11pm and to be out and about until 3 or 4am, especially on weekends. Sometimes they will do an earlier dinner and movie outing, but parties and clubs don't start until 10 at the earliest and don't get "good" until 11 or midnight or later! Obviously this conflicts with school and 9-5 jobs so they can't keep it up forever, but at that age they can get away with "burning the candle at both ends" for a lot longer than we can. It also doesn't agree with a lot of parents so it is a common conflict for families with a young adult living at home.

Good luck, before long this will all be just a memory so try not to let it drive you nuts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 7:18pm

Im with many of the others who suggested compromise. I do think that waving that 18 flag is mostly bravado, but we always have to worry that our kid is the one who REALLY means it!

My middle one has fought curfew tooth and nail-he used the town having no curfew when he was 17 too. We decided to take away his weekend curfew when he turned 18 in early Dec

About 2 weeks in, I pulled him aside and asked if he remembered us telling him this change because he was pulling in the garage at midnight every Fri and Sat. He said he did; I shrugged and let it go

I think he has stayed out later twice since then and one was New Years

Sometimes they just argue to argue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 7:38pm

See the mistake we make is we say things like "as long as you live in my house you go by my rules". That's not the right reply. The right reply is that as long as she isn't supporting herself financially, contributing to the household in some tangible way (ie money or major chores), demonstrating that she is responsible for her actions and herself then no matter what her age is, she doesn't automatically earn the right to be treated like an adult.

In other words, behave like an adult and you get treated like one. Maybe you should point out that if she wants more freedom because she turns 18, then maybe she'd also like some of the responsibility that goes with being "grown up". How many bills does she pay for? How many dinners does she prepare for the family?

Now, maybe she does some of this stuff. If she does then she deserves some leeway. Maybe its a process of gradual loosening of the reigns. Maybe more freedom on weekends. It isn't that 18 is a magic number that suddenly makes us wiser, its that we do have to have some point at which we start to treat our kids as adults and this is as good as any. But if you throw them into the pool without a swimming lesson -- they'll drown. And that's what your dd needs to understand. If she doesn't, well, she isn't demonstrating much maturity...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 2:48am
I understand the concern about what happens when your child turns 18. My son will be 18 in 2 weeks and we have already duscussed what things will change and what won't. I also said that "as long as your living in our home, you will abide by our rules". I've told him that we are still paying most of the bills and unless he's paying rent, utilities, and all other expences he will be following our rules. Yes, I got the same thing. "Then I'll be leaving". I explained to him that we will love him where ever he is and then gave him a list of living expences he should start to expect. I then showed him a compairison of what he's spending his money on now. He was shocked to see the difference and that if he were living out on his own, with a room mate, he wouldn't have money to go out, spend on fun things and would have to work more.
I also let him know that if he stayed at home, he would actually have more freedoms than if he were not living here.
I know that we all have to grow up some time, and that things are very scarry out there in the real world. If my son does go, I will be frightened, unsure about how prepared he is for what will happen. I do let him know that I will always be here for him and always love him, but won't support him financially once he's gone. He's told me he want't to wait a while and move out slowly. Gaining more freedoms as he goes along.
Hope you find something in this that can help.
Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 11:15am

I agree with the daddie - this deserves very little or no attention at all. My DD made this comment to me a while back and I literally didn't respond. If she wants to move out when she's 18, I can't stop her but she's a smart girl. She knows she can't afford it and she knows she's got a pretty easy life with us and that she would be stupid to give it up at this point in her life.

Anytime she makes some comment about staying out later or doing as she pleases when she turns 18, I simply smile and respond that 18's just another number - like 17, 16, 15, 14, etc. Usually when I get to 14, she's either left the room or I throw in a 19 or a 2 just to make her laugh. She gets the point.

I will probably move her curfew up another 30 minutes on Fri nights but Sat nights will stay the same simply b/c I have to teach Sunday School and can't do that very well if I haven't slept. I can't sleep until she gets home. No that's not her fault but it's just the way it is. I asked her along time ago to look at the earlier curfew on Sat as her contribution to the church - it lets me better a volunteer for the church. She seems to understand is okay with it.