Ugh. I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Ugh. I don't know what to do.
51
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 4:11am

I'm up in the middle of the night typing this because I'm too worried to sleep. About a year ago during a very stressful breakup, my daughter went on anti-depressants. She's been on them awhile and is doing better now. She admitted to me she had engaged in some self-destructive behavior (I don't really want to go into it now because it would take too long to explain). She cried for days after this boy broke up with her, and I was worried sick. I would even sneak in her room at night to make sure she didn't hurt herself. I found out recently that they ran into each other at the mall a couple of weeks ago and spent the rest of that evening together. They have also been texting each other again. I told her this was a bad idea and she SWORE to me she had no interest in dating him again and they were just chit-chatting. He broke up with her on her birthday last year after they'd made plans together, and told her she was a distraction that he didn't need in his life. He is planning on becoming a minister, and my daughter is not religious whatsoever. She has told me she's an atheist, and pretended not to be for him, but ended up admitting it later. His mother didn't approve of them together either.

I read a text over the shoulder as she was talking to a friend, and she was telling her that she was excited to see him again and they were making plans to go to the beach together Sat. She lied and told me she and her gf's were going to the beach. I don't know what to do to discourage this. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Every single factor that contributed to their break up is still there. Yes, they have an attraction to each other, but he will dump her again because ultimately NOTHING that is important to him is important to her. (All his facebook statuses are about church or Bible verses, and that just isn't her) That's THE most important thing to him and the ONE thing about her he can't overlook.She will end up hurt again and we will have to do this over again with me getting up every night to make sure she's ok. Last year when this first happened, I found a hunting knife under her pillow which scared me. She claimed it was for self-defense "just in case", but I didn't buy it. I checked for missing knives and pills every night until she seemed OK again.

I've wondered whether I should talk to him, or maybe his mother. I'm pretty sure they don't know about any of what happened because we didn't tell many people, but IDK if I should, or if I could trust them. Her best friend knows all the details, and I thought about seeing if she could discourage this (my daughter would probably listen to her before she would me), but again, IDK if I could trust her to not repeat the conversation to my daughter. I also just thought about flatly refusing to allow him at our home, or for her to go to his, but if they want to see other, they will. I don't understand why she is sneaking around to see this person who hurt her so badly. I want this stopped before it starts. I know on his part it's a physical attraction, but for her it was more. Should I speak to him? His mother? Her best friend? Should I let her make the same mistake twice and just hope that I don't have to hide knives and pills again? (she's 18 and still lives at home)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 9:24pm

For now, I'm just gonna wait it out. I've already talked to her about this and although I KNOW she's lying to me about who she's going to the beach with Saturday, she pitched a big fit about me not trusting her. I tried to explain that I did trust her, but THIS was a major contributor to the problems she had a year ago and I just feel I NEEDED to say something because it was horrible and I can't imagine her willingly going through it again. Telling her that I know she's lying would only make things worse, I think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 9:55pm

Gentle Hugs!

I think Dr. Laura Slesinger would say this two have different life path choices and plans--choices and plans that are not consistent with each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 12:00am

Apparently the feelings she had of harming herself were feelings she had before the breakup, the breakup was just the last straw--it was what prompted her to finally tell me. She said it was something she'd been dealing with since she was 12 or 13!! (I had no idea...she used to cry (and sleep) a lot, but I thought it was just normal hormone stuff) After getting on medication and having it adjusted a couple of times, she seems much better. She's still not the life of the party, but she seems "happy" most of the time. I think what drew her to this young man was that he was a people person, very outgoing, (and , yes, he was cute which didn't hurt) he had all the qualities I think she felt were missing in herself (that's just my guess, I don't really know). And I don't mean to give the impression that he's a horrible person. He isn't, it's just that like you say, "irreconcilable differences." I think he was conflicted too, because he felt bad about their private life. She never came out and said they were having sex, but I'm not stupid. She said something to the effect that every time something happened that he thought was "wrong", he would blame her and want to pray about it. I really do think in spite of the differences, that they enjoyed each other's company when religion wasn't the topic. But I'd say that it seemed to be quite a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 11:25am

Your posts about this relationship remind me SO much of my DS and his exW when they were in high school and the first year she was in college... and I strongly suspect that she married him to "undo" the sin of sleeping with him while they were still in high school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 11:33am

Thanks! It's raining here this morning, and I think this trip is going to get cancelled. At least it looks like it right now.

You're right about the meaning of the scripture, too. Of course like anything, people see what they want to see.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 12:20pm

<<<>>>

This changes things considerably.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 7:13pm

Thanks for the link.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 8:14pm

If

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 8:59pm

Thanks for the info. By "content", I just mean that she seems to want things this way (whereas before, she seemed unhappy with it, if that makes any sense). Her dad doesn't see the problem. He thinks that's just how teenagers are - lazy, unhappy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 11:07pm

It may be that her dad doesn't see her behavior as being a problem because it's very much the way he grew up, so to him, being a depressed teen might look/feel normal.