Ugh. I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Ugh. I don't know what to do.
51
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 4:11am

I'm up in the middle of the night typing this because I'm too worried to sleep. About a year ago during a very stressful breakup, my daughter went on anti-depressants. She's been on them awhile and is doing better now. She admitted to me she had engaged in some self-destructive behavior (I don't really want to go into it now because it would take too long to explain). She cried for days after this boy broke up with her, and I was worried sick. I would even sneak in her room at night to make sure she didn't hurt herself. I found out recently that they ran into each other at the mall a couple of weeks ago and spent the rest of that evening together. They have also been texting each other again. I told her this was a bad idea and she SWORE to me she had no interest in dating him again and they were just chit-chatting. He broke up with her on her birthday last year after they'd made plans together, and told her she was a distraction that he didn't need in his life. He is planning on becoming a minister, and my daughter is not religious whatsoever. She has told me she's an atheist, and pretended not to be for him, but ended up admitting it later. His mother didn't approve of them together either.

I read a text over the shoulder as she was talking to a friend, and she was telling her that she was excited to see him again and they were making plans to go to the beach together Sat. She lied and told me she and her gf's were going to the beach. I don't know what to do to discourage this. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Every single factor that contributed to their break up is still there. Yes, they have an attraction to each other, but he will dump her again because ultimately NOTHING that is important to him is important to her. (All his facebook statuses are about church or Bible verses, and that just isn't her) That's THE most important thing to him and the ONE thing about her he can't overlook.She will end up hurt again and we will have to do this over again with me getting up every night to make sure she's ok. Last year when this first happened, I found a hunting knife under her pillow which scared me. She claimed it was for self-defense "just in case", but I didn't buy it. I checked for missing knives and pills every night until she seemed OK again.

I've wondered whether I should talk to him, or maybe his mother. I'm pretty sure they don't know about any of what happened because we didn't tell many people, but IDK if I should, or if I could trust them. Her best friend knows all the details, and I thought about seeing if she could discourage this (my daughter would probably listen to her before she would me), but again, IDK if I could trust her to not repeat the conversation to my daughter. I also just thought about flatly refusing to allow him at our home, or for her to go to his, but if they want to see other, they will. I don't understand why she is sneaking around to see this person who hurt her so badly. I want this stopped before it starts. I know on his part it's a physical attraction, but for her it was more. Should I speak to him? His mother? Her best friend? Should I let her make the same mistake twice and just hope that I don't have to hide knives and pills again? (she's 18 and still lives at home)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 11:59pm

I asked if she was doing ok on her meds, and she said "sure, but I told you to drop this yesterday." I told her I was worried and asked if she'd consider going back to the doc... now I'm getting the silent

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Sun, 06-19-2011 - 12:40am

Let me add these thoughts:

I would walk barefoot on hot coals for my kids, just as I'm sure that you would too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Sun, 06-19-2011 - 1:54pm

I guess all this has gotten out of hand. She hadn't said a word to me since yesterday when I tried to speak with her about her meds and going back to the doc. I went upstairs this morning to check on her (it was noon and she hadn't come down for breakfast, lunch or anything). I told her the silent treatment routine was disrespectful, yet she was texting someone while I was speaking to her. I grabbed the phone out of her hands and turned it off. Then she told me to stop trying to "fix" her, that it made her believe that I didn't like her the way she was. She kept yelling "I'm fine! Leave me alone and stop trying to make me into something that fits what you find acceptable!" I told her that was NOT what I was doing. I was worried and was trying to help. Then she told me if she wanted my "help" she'd ask for it and basically to get out of her life.

I really did not want this to happen. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. I don't want to try to change her, I love her and want tp protect her. Now she thinks it's because she's "not good enough" the way she is. I'm so confused. She has told me things that worried her, then I observe her pushing people away, she sleeps all day, has headaches, has shown a willingness to put herself back into a bad situation....then she doesn't understand why I'm worried and ends up misreading my motives. Her dad says just leave her alone, which now I suppose I don't really have a choice. I feel like I've just totally destroyed our relationship.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sun, 06-19-2011 - 2:55pm

Well, yes, you DO want to "change" her--you want to HEAL her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Sun, 06-19-2011 - 4:31pm

I just wish I could make them understand where I'm coming from here. Currently, my husband is on his laptop playing WoW and she is on her computer playing a game. BOTH of them spend most of their free time (when she's not sleeping) playing online games (which I don't get the appeal of). DH sees no problem, and she refuses to listen. You're right I probably need to speak with someone about what to do (or what I'm doing wrong.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Sun, 06-19-2011 - 8:21pm

amen sabrtooth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Sun, 06-19-2011 - 8:26pm

again, why all the secrecy and trying SO HARD to pussyfoot around her and her "stories" .

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Sun, 06-19-2011 - 8:46pm

I think you were damaged when she had her breakdown last year over this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Sun, 06-19-2011 - 9:02pm

whoops, also hadn't read all about how she isolates and play lots of video games.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Sun, 06-19-2011 - 10:02pm

Actually, I find it annoying as heck. TBH, they both seem disengaged. I have said something in the past and the response is always "It's a just fun hobby."