Ugh. I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Ugh. I don't know what to do.
51
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 4:11am

I'm up in the middle of the night typing this because I'm too worried to sleep. About a year ago during a very stressful breakup, my daughter went on anti-depressants. She's been on them awhile and is doing better now. She admitted to me she had engaged in some self-destructive behavior (I don't really want to go into it now because it would take too long to explain). She cried for days after this boy broke up with her, and I was worried sick. I would even sneak in her room at night to make sure she didn't hurt herself. I found out recently that they ran into each other at the mall a couple of weeks ago and spent the rest of that evening together. They have also been texting each other again. I told her this was a bad idea and she SWORE to me she had no interest in dating him again and they were just chit-chatting. He broke up with her on her birthday last year after they'd made plans together, and told her she was a distraction that he didn't need in his life. He is planning on becoming a minister, and my daughter is not religious whatsoever. She has told me she's an atheist, and pretended not to be for him, but ended up admitting it later. His mother didn't approve of them together either.

I read a text over the shoulder as she was talking to a friend, and she was telling her that she was excited to see him again and they were making plans to go to the beach together Sat. She lied and told me she and her gf's were going to the beach. I don't know what to do to discourage this. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Every single factor that contributed to their break up is still there. Yes, they have an attraction to each other, but he will dump her again because ultimately NOTHING that is important to him is important to her. (All his facebook statuses are about church or Bible verses, and that just isn't her) That's THE most important thing to him and the ONE thing about her he can't overlook.She will end up hurt again and we will have to do this over again with me getting up every night to make sure she's ok. Last year when this first happened, I found a hunting knife under her pillow which scared me. She claimed it was for self-defense "just in case", but I didn't buy it. I checked for missing knives and pills every night until she seemed OK again.

I've wondered whether I should talk to him, or maybe his mother. I'm pretty sure they don't know about any of what happened because we didn't tell many people, but IDK if I should, or if I could trust them. Her best friend knows all the details, and I thought about seeing if she could discourage this (my daughter would probably listen to her before she would me), but again, IDK if I could trust her to not repeat the conversation to my daughter. I also just thought about flatly refusing to allow him at our home, or for her to go to his, but if they want to see other, they will. I don't understand why she is sneaking around to see this person who hurt her so badly. I want this stopped before it starts. I know on his part it's a physical attraction, but for her it was more. Should I speak to him? His mother? Her best friend? Should I let her make the same mistake twice and just hope that I don't have to hide knives and pills again? (she's 18 and still lives at home)

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 8:38am

Many gentle hugs to you. I know what it is to have a young adult 'child' that is deeply depressed and to worry every day whether he/she will still be alive in the morning/when you get home/etc. I think the best thing to do is to be upfront with her and tell her you happened to see the text and know what she's planning for Saturday. Ask her if she really thinks it's a good idea to spend time with him again. Because you're right - in the end it's not going to work out if he wants to be a minister and she's an athiest. It's hard enough sometimes for a relationship to last if one is Catholic and one is Baptist even though both are Christian. If she was 14 it would be easier to keep her away from him but you're right - at 18 she's going to see him if she really wants to. You can't monitor her 24/7. As far as speaking to him or his mom - I don't think that's a good idea unless you're very close friends with them. Maybe the best friend if you're close to her - just to express your concerns. Sometimes common sense advice is listened to more from a peer than from mom. Hopefully you'll get some other suggestions here. Hang in there and keep us posted.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 12:19pm

The reason I thought of telling her best friend is that I gave her a ride home from our house (she doesn't have a car) a few months ago and she told me something

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 2:58pm

Even tho your dd lives at home, she's 18.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 4:03pm

She went to a

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 5:22pm

Let's think about this in terms of skydiving.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 6:28pm

I understand what you're saying. I just can't stand this again and I don't see why she'd do it to herself, her judgment is clouded about this one thing. There may be other things in the future that test her, but this just seems so preventable. I guess I'll shut up about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 6:59pm
l.s.jane wrote:

I understand what you're saying. I just can't stand this again and I don't see why she'd do it to herself, her judgment is clouded about this one thing. There may be other things in the future that test her, but this just seems so preventable. I guess I'll shut up about it.

I think that is a wise decision, because I suspect that the more you voice your objections to her about this boy, the more strongly she's going to go his way.

My ex-DIL is a very religious woman (now 26 y/o) who dated my DS (also 26, almost 27 y/o) from the time they were juniors in high school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 9:00pm

My advice is probably going to be contrary to everything you or I have read about dealing with teens, but I'm posting it anyway. I'm a Christian, and many of my facebook statuses are also about my church, my faith and Bible verses.I'm also the mother of a 16 yo who

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2011
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 9:26pm

I had thought about that, but didn't want to seem like I was trying to be his mother. You make good points though. I thought I'd take a wait and see approach. I spoke to her again about him being there Sat. (although I did not call her out on her lie). I made my objections clear and left it at that. I guess I'll wait and see what happens this weekend. What you suggest may have to be done if he pursues this further. I would think he would have more sense (moral compass...whatever the word is)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 10:13pm

Personally I would not forbid the guy from coming over--how is thata going to help if she can just go out & see him and then you have no idea what is going on?

Pages