Uh oh! Helicopter Mom Syndrome
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| Wed, 06-27-2007 - 3:41pm |
I've been posting here a lot lately, and I feel like I should be signing off as "Nutty Nancy" because that's the way I feel sometimes. :) Anyway, this past two weeks has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, for my DD, but surprisingly for me as well. She's 18, just graduated and is off to college in August. All great things. She's a wonderful student so I have no worries in that regard. It's just that.....it seems every single one of the girls she hangs out with have gone crazy!! The drama is higher than it has been all year. Add to that the fact that DD's boyfriend has begun to go crazy too, and life has been anything but calm. The bottom line is that she is currently having issues with quite a few friends, and with her boyfriend--big time. The boyfriend had been showing signs of needing some freedom about a month ago or so, but continued to be real sweet and attentive much of the time. After graduation, he went to beach week....and the reports coming in indicate that he went crazy! Now I realize that is part and parcel of kids that go to beach week, but it is a bit unusual for the guy we had known and liked very much for well over a year. Anyway, now she is navigating through the muddy waters of their relationship. He's being extremely nice since he got back, and has made it clear that he still wants to be with her. Problem is.....she's lost all faith in him. Well my issue with all of this is that I am so worried about him doing something that will really break her heart. And I'm so worried about these girls doing things that exclude her, or worse yet, doing things with the bf, that would crush her. I feel sometimes like I am more upset about these things than she is!!! I think about it constantly, and am always bringing it up to her, suggesting she do this, or do that, etc. She has lovingly verbalized, "Mom you need to stay out of this so I can handle it" on more than one occasion. And yet....here I am....still stressing over every little thing that comes up. My good friend pointed out that I am being a helicopter mom and am hovering way too closely. Truth is, even I can see this. So....what the heck is wrong with me? And how do I change this pattern of behavior? I've never been like this before and it's just really strange to feel so out of control.
I welcome your feedback....brutal and honest if need be. I need to re-think how I react to all her issues that are going on. Thanks, Nancy

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You don't need brutal and honest feedback....you just need to search your soul and your memories for all the times you faced heartbreak, disappointment, anger, bitterness with a friend or a boyfriend or your husband. All those times, could anyone else possibly have understood or known all you were feeling and all you were going through?
Think of all the well-meaning "advice" you got from people and how alot of times that advice was so off the mark of what you really wanted to do. Also think about the times when things didn't work out. Did you come through it? Of course you did! And your daughter will too! Just give her a chance to be what you raised her to be. She'll be at college before you know it and you won't know anything about her daily dramas. But she will be handling it.
Maybe this is your way of dealing w/ her growing up and going to college. I have a friend who works at a college and she tells me that parents are calling the professors to complain about grades. They aren't even allowed to talk to the parents since the kids are over 18! I'm sure you don't want to be doing that.
I think that the best thing to do is to focus on doing some things for you. Do you have friends to go out with, hobbies, a career? Spend more time w/ your DH? Then you won't have as much time to think about her problems.
My 14 year old tells me the same thing, that it's for him to handle (whatever the 'it' of the moment is!). And he's right. I think it's just hard letting them grow and go sometimes when it's so ingrained in us to protect them. All I can say is I commiserate, and I see myself doing the same, and have learned that I just need to back off and let him take some hard knocks on his own. But it's so tempting to impart them with the wisdom we have from our earned lumps hoping they could avoid a few...I've just figured out that I have to be very selective when I get involved. Hugs!!
Sue
Thanks for all the quick responses, and I certainly welcome others. Several things are going on for me this summer. One, of course is that I am worried and concerned about my daughter and want her to be happy. Second, I AM realizing more and more that she is going off to college and I suppose that this is all wrapped up in that. The last, and this is perhaps the easiest to fix is that I am a teacher and I'm off this summer. Last summer I had a great summer. DD was happy with bf and also friends, so I went and did my thing, and we did things together too. This summer, DD works 4 hours a day, then if all goes well, is off with friends or whatever for much of the rest of the day. That's GOOD for her....I want her to be social (I mean that's my whole issue with the friends) but consequently, I have too much time on my hands. This is the first summer this has ever happened. I have realized very quickly that next summer will be different. I can work as many weeks of the summer program at my school as I want. I won't work them all, but it will be good for me to be busier than I am this summer. For this summer, I need to find some things to do before I go nuts!! I've got some ideas, but I definitely need to put them into action. Sitting around at home is accomplishing nothing but making me nuts, and giving me too much time to think about what is going on in my daughter's life. Neither is a good thing.
Thanks again, Nancy
Here is my "brutal and honest" feedback.. LOL
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At the risk of presenting completely unqualified armchair psychology, what you are experiencing seems quite common. It comes in a variety of clinical names; senior wiggyness, pre-college freak-out, freshman frenzy, etc...
I've observed both HS graduates AND parents go completely nuts during the period between high school graduation and the start of college. I think the kids act somewhat stupid as they realize the "kid" part of their life is rapidly closing and a new chapter is opening up. Parents get emotional and somewhat clingy, since soon they won't be a part of their childrens daily lives anymore. All of this seems to occur sub-consciously.
My prescription:
Relax mom and roll with it. No, you're not crazy. Realize this is an edgy time. Your wonderful DD says she can handle it. She will. Perhaps a teeny bit of you deep down still needs to be needed in that regard which is creating the helicoptering. That's OK too. This will pass.
I have been feeling very frustrated with my 17 year old daughter lately and came to this site looking for some encouragement and adivce. WOW...it made me feel better to know their are other moms out there feeling the same way! I realize that we should try to keep our distance and let the kids handle things on their own. But, that can be very difficult! I'm curious to hear how this is going for you and would welcome any tips that you think might be helpful! (I also am in the education profession and am looking at too much time on my hands this summer). My situation is that there is a boy that likes my daughter. He is a really nice guy. Basically, I think my daughter is nervous about going on a "date". She's never had a BF before. I've tried to encourage her to go on a date with him, but she says that I'm always on her case and that she doesn't want a boyfriend. I just want her to get to know him and get some experience communicating with a guy. (She's an expert at text messaging and AIM, but doesn't really like to talk face to face with guys). As I'm typing this I realize that I should just let her be...but how do us moms not let this stuff bother us?????
Hi, In this case regarding your daughter not really wanting a boyfriend, I say unequivocally LET HER BE! No, I'm not yelling at you, but I've learned the hard way that it is very difficult when you DD gets involved in a relationship in high school. My DD didn't really like this guy when he first had a crush on her, but finally after a few months, she decided that she did. Then she just fell in love with him. For the better part of a year and a half, he has been a wonderful boyfriend, but now....at the end of the relationship my DD is getting her heart broken. Her comment to me, on more than one occasion, is that if she ever has a daughter of her own, she will tell her not to have a serious relationship in high school. They simply do NOT know how to handle all the emotions involved. Your DD will start dating when she is ready. For now, it sounds like she knows what she wants and what she does not want. Good luck!
Nancy
How funny is that! Senior wiggyness. I love it!!! Maybe that IS what I have...lol.... Anyway, thanks for the bit of levity. Yeah, I am hovering, and I need to stop. It's difficult though, I must admit. Honestly, tonight I'd just like her to dump the boyfriend. He's just outlived his usefulness in my opinion. She spends more time wondering if he really wants to spend the evening with her, or waiting for him to call, or whatever. She really needs to move on. It will not improve the summer, in fact it will make it worse, but she might end the summer with her self-esteem intact. I can hardly wait for college to arrive. I know I'll be really sad when she finally actually leaves, but it beats this crummy summer.
Nancy
I think I may have comiserated with you before on a previous post..telling you that you are living my life to the "T".
I too have an 18 year old daughter like you, starting college in the fall, except that MY daughter will be going to a branch campus of a major university for the first two years and still living at home...you don't know how lucky you are!
I think they should have some support group out there for mothers like us..kind of like "AA" for mothers of teenage daughters..ha! ha!
Like I've said before, these message boards have been my life line lately..and all for free!
Just coming off a huge "blow-up" with my daughter last night for exactly the same thing as you're going through..she wants me "out of her life" to the point where she repeats everything I say, good or bad, to the "exboyfriend" now friend to the point it's embarrassing. If that isn't a wake up call to just how "over involved" I am and have been for the last two years of her life...just about the time she started dating ha! ha!
I know, and I know you know, there's just this overprotective "mother bear" syndrome that surfaces with me when it has anything to do with my daughter and her relationships...and it's always been this way even when she was little with the girlfriends ignoring her or leaving her left out of something. Funny, I never was this way with my now 24 year old son.
My daughter's life, and she'll tell anyone too who will listen, has taken over my life at this point; and for that I'm worried. I just can't seem to take myself out of the mix no matter how much she yells to just "stay out" or closed bedroom doors on me etc.
I wish I could explain why we do what we do but I'm up for some answers myself. As a teen, I dated a few guys, was never they type to bring too much drama home, and ended up marrying the first "serious" relationship I had...so it's not a "been there done that" issue with my daughter.
But I see boyfriends playing "mind games" with her and hurting her and MY whole world falls apart..I guess we just want to see someone love our daughters as much as we do.
But, and I keep telling myself this over and over, every time she has been "dumped" or treated badly by her girlfriends, she DOES pick herself up and dust herself off and moves on.
For your daughter, and mine, starting college in the fall, no matter where they go, will open up a whole new world for them...just keep focusing on that..and tell her that also when she gets down about the situation at hand.
That may be, too, why her boyfriend is all of a sudden pulling away..senior summer is the end of one thing but the beginning of something new.
Good luck and keep us all posted as to how YOU'RE coping..I'll be anxious to hear.
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