Uh oh! Helicopter Mom Syndrome

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Uh oh! Helicopter Mom Syndrome
17
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 3:41pm

I've been posting here a lot lately, and I feel like I should be signing off as "Nutty Nancy" because that's the way I feel sometimes. :) Anyway, this past two weeks has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, for my DD, but surprisingly for me as well. She's 18, just graduated and is off to college in August. All great things. She's a wonderful student so I have no worries in that regard. It's just that.....it seems every single one of the girls she hangs out with have gone crazy!! The drama is higher than it has been all year. Add to that the fact that DD's boyfriend has begun to go crazy too, and life has been anything but calm. The bottom line is that she is currently having issues with quite a few friends, and with her boyfriend--big time. The boyfriend had been showing signs of needing some freedom about a month ago or so, but continued to be real sweet and attentive much of the time. After graduation, he went to beach week....and the reports coming in indicate that he went crazy! Now I realize that is part and parcel of kids that go to beach week, but it is a bit unusual for the guy we had known and liked very much for well over a year. Anyway, now she is navigating through the muddy waters of their relationship. He's being extremely nice since he got back, and has made it clear that he still wants to be with her. Problem is.....she's lost all faith in him. Well my issue with all of this is that I am so worried about him doing something that will really break her heart. And I'm so worried about these girls doing things that exclude her, or worse yet, doing things with the bf, that would crush her. I feel sometimes like I am more upset about these things than she is!!! I think about it constantly, and am always bringing it up to her, suggesting she do this, or do that, etc. She has lovingly verbalized, "Mom you need to stay out of this so I can handle it" on more than one occasion. And yet....here I am....still stressing over every little thing that comes up. My good friend pointed out that I am being a helicopter mom and am hovering way too closely. Truth is, even I can see this. So....what the heck is wrong with me? And how do I change this pattern of behavior? I've never been like this before and it's just really strange to feel so out of control.

I welcome your feedback....brutal and honest if need be. I need to re-think how I react to all her issues that are going on. Thanks, Nancy

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:01am

I agree with this post tremendously!!

And wanted to add that I have nothing but fond memories of my own early boy-girl relationships, no matter how many tears I shed at the time.

Avatar for threewishes
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:05am
Completely butting in here to say that I actually remember going through this with my parents the summer before college. Some days it was like I couldn't believe how dumb they were and couldn't wait to get away to school...then an hour later I was dreading leaving and wondering how I was going to do on my own--not that I ever would have admitted that to them! I think somehow it's a natural pulling-away process, getting us ready to leave somewhere we don't entirely want to leave. Good luck...I'll be doing this a year from now as my son is going to be graduating next year.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:17am

Thanks for the encouragement. Starting today, I'm going to try my best to stay out of this issue! It's on my mind a lot, but I'm really going to try! I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers as well. We need all the help we can get...right? Have a great day and keep us posted as to how things are going!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 2:08pm
First of all, to loriaw59 I would repeat the message to leave her be. If she doesn't want or isn't ready for a relationship don't force her. She may also be like my daughter who "didn't want" a serious bf but over the past 2 months has managed to get one and now spend every minute (that she can) with him or on the phone with him.
To nancyws119, my DD17 totally agreed that having a serious bf was a big mistake and that she couldn't invest that much time in anyone. This was not for lack of boys calling, I laughed once because in 8th grade she agreed to "date" this boy who then called her 5 times the next day. She was out with frds, or me, or where ever. When she came home and heard he called that many times she told him never to call her again. She's gone to her formals with boys, gone on dates, never anything more than 2 weeks at most, never the need to talk every day, etc. As I mentioned, new bf is now an every day, every minute obsession for her (as I see it), so although they aren't ready for it and might even agree with that statement when they are clear minded when Mr Right or Ms. Right comes along all bets are off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 3:56pm

Please give your daughter room to develop and mature. If you are constantly there to pick her up when she falls or to give her advice at every turn, she'll never learn to trust her own instincts and to make her own decisions. She'll look to someone else to make those decisions for her and you really don't want that to happen.

I've raised three daughters and am sending my third daughter off to college in the fall. I relish the fact that they're so independent (I'm actually thrilled that they were never "boy crazy"). They can really only learn by DOING and by making their OWN mistakes!

Find other alternatives to occupy your time this summer and let your daughter spread her wings a little before she really has to fly solo.

My husband is a college professor and has seen too many freshman fail their first year because they were used to having everything done for them and that's from cleaning, laundry, etc. right up to relationships and communications.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 8:19am

"Find other alternatives to occupy your time this summer and let your daughter spread her wings a little before she really has to fly solo. "


I so agree - but it is sooo hard!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 7:32pm

Hi again to kja6591, and to all the rest of you who have responded,

Thank you first for all the kind words of support. You've been honest, kind, and supportive. How nice that is.

Things at my house are much the same, and I must admit to still having that knot in my stomach much of the time. However, I have really been doing some soul searching and have actively pulled back from being so involved in my DD's relationships, especially the one with her boyfriend. It's not that I am not not involved at all, but I don't ask a million questions or offer advice when not asked for. My comments are often something of the nature of "you need to do what you think is best for you". A really neat thing happened this week though. My DH and I went with our daughter to college orientation. It was only one day, and she was somewhat nervous that morning. But when we got there, and she got with other students, she was excited and confident. At several points during the day, she had to go off with just the other students and she had no problem with that. She made one friend (a delightful girl from PA) and spent some time talking with her. When it was time to go and register for her classes, she walked off to her group with confidence and found the girl she had met. It was like watching my DD, but reinvented into a confident, happy college student. I was so proud of her. Anyway, it was a successful day and she can hardly wait to go to school. She is really beginning to realize that the friendships she has here with other girls, will be replaced by other people she meets this Fall. Oh, she won't forget her truly good friends, but the ones who have caused her problems will no longer matter.

As for her bf, she is still seeing him and they do get along. I watch him, and just see a boy who is wishing he could escape from real life. He cares for DD, but he wants to have fun all the time, and spends the majority of his time with his best guy friend. Anyway, I've made a point of stepping back from that relationship as much as I can, although this one is harder because he has the power to hurt her much more than the girls do. But I do see growth in her ability to handle all of the ups and downs of this relationship. So we'll see.....one thing is for sure, there are no easy answers. And of course, it isn't my job to find those answers, or to fix the problems.

Thanks again for all the kind words. They really make me feel supported. It's a wonderful thing that we can come here, discuss or vent, and come away stronger because of the words of another parent going through similar circumstances.

Nancy

Pages