unable to get through to 14yo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
unable to get through to 14yo
5
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 10:24am
I am new, please bear with me!! I have a 14yo son with severe ADHD and it seems as though everytime he gets in trouble he does everything he can to get into more trouble to the point where there is nothing left to take away, or suspend privelages, or anything and he is still behaving the same way he was when he first got into trouble. Living with his ADHD since it was discovered when he was 5, I have dealt with alot of issues and have come a long way with him, but i just can't seem to get past this one. He acts like whatever discipline I give him doesn't bother him, so it appears, then he continues the behavior until there is nothing left to take away. i really need some help with this one, his maturity level is that of about a 9yo and total lack of responsiblity. He also has a big problem with accepting resonsiblity of what he has done. How do i help him through this and still remain somewhat sain in the process? extremely frustrated!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:36pm
Hi,this is new to me too but,i've came along way too,ihave aboy that sounds like your's.He has been in& out of trouble,he's extremely intelligent,but has major attitude,he's hard to get through & yes he has the same ,I don't care attitude but what we say does have some empacked on them.I've been writing on the computer to my boy,since me talking to him would just go in one ear & out the other.It's aboy thing where they are messy,the more harping you do the worst it get's.The more disapplenting you do the more they act out.Trust me I do know what your going through actually there are alot of mom's out there that go through ,hell with there boys they just don't say it.Boy's are the hardest,to raise ,I always say my boy is going to be the death of me because of what he puts me through ,plus they are going through puberty,which doesn't help us one bit,i always say there should be Mydol for boy/men,lol.It would make life easier.My boy has the same I don't have to do this if i don't want to attitude,& no thought what so ever,just me,me ,me,thats all that matters.Were only human,we can only do so much then,where do we turn???but to each other for advice.Have you ever tried to credit him for the littlest things he does??See,the more we snap on them the more wrong they do,it's because they have are full attention when they do wrong,but when they do something right we praise them but only for abit ,but when there in hot water we don't let them live it down,do you see where ,what i'm getting at.plus 90% of boys are messy & full of attitude,girls on the other hand,usually don't act out till there in there lovely hormones/teen's,lol.Keep a diary of all the good & bad things that happen,start to tell him it's not me your hurting ,it's hurting yourself in the long run,then they start to think,because my boy use's well then i won't do good in school& I just say well it's your life your damaging not mine your the one that has to live with your mistakes not me,it makes them think???a little bit but the next time he does something horrible or whatever,just say well it's your life your screwing up not mine,that makes them think& if you think it doesn't bother them it does.Don't fly off the handle just start writing everything & e-mailing him,he might just wake -up,but don't let him out smart you.The more you show them it bother's you ,then they win,just walk away & say it's your life your messing up not mine,even though it effects you big time,but the more you show them anger,the more they'll do to piss you off.I've learned just to walk away,it's hard but after the first step it's gets easier,everytime just remember your only human& you have lots of ppl that go through the same thing as us,were not the only one's that have boys.Just remember that. you can e-mail anytime...good luck....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:26pm

I have 3 kids with ADHD, the youngest is now 15, and not nearly as severly affected as her brothers. I know what you mean about taking everything away and nothing gets better. Are you sure your DS KNOWS what is expected of him? ADHD kids often don't pick up on the normal cues for expected behavior, so they don't know what they should be doing. He may say he does, but I'd be willing to bet he's really not sure. Instead of saying "don't throw your clothes on the floor" say "put your clothes in the hamper when you're done wearing them." And start rewarding the positive instead of punishing the negative, even if you have to start with very tiny positives. These kids hear so many negatives about themselves in school, they're usually starving for acceptance and positives.

Good luck, ADHD kids are tough to parent, they try every ounce of patience and sometimes get on mom's last nerve, but they can also be a bundle of fun if you learn how to harness their energy a little bit.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 2:04pm

You've gotten good advice already

We literally have to say "When you get home, let the dogs out, wait 15 min and bring them back in".

"Let the dogs out when you get home" means the dogs are out until WE get home-doesnt matter if its 20 below zero out there!

Checklists and spreadsheets. I made one for my 15 yr old that had brushing his teeth, taking a shower, etc. Its annoying that I have to do it but, by golly, it worked and DS3 now takes care of all the hygiene stuff without the spreadsheet.

Visuals are big. The toothbrush on the counter in the morning says more than you rattling off "did you brush your teeth?" for the upteenth time

Im addressing hygiene because it was a biggie here

We might have more suggestions if you give more specifics about which problems you are encountering-schoolwork, fighting at school, etc

Also, sometimes we get so frustrated we take it all away and then it IS meaningless because there truly is nothing left to lose. Why should they comply? You have to bite your tongue at times and use alternatives to losing privileges-I know some parents here assign work like cleaning the garage or washing windows.

Or...go with the positives instead. Give tokens for turning homework in and then a certain number of tokens earns a game rental or a movie pass

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 4:14pm
Thank you, hygiene is definatley a problem as well. He has struggled with grades all of his life, finally last year a teacher told us that she would be willing to stay after school with him and help him with his homework. His grads, self esteem, confidence, self image all went through the roof. Went from F's to A's, she is a god send. This year he made the honor roll first two 9 weeks and wanted to join the academic team. The conditions were as long as he could keep his grades up. The teacher that helps him after school is one of the academic team teachers, and she was still helping him with homework as well. He started lieing to her and telling her he had no homework so he could do the academic team, and lieing to me as well. when i started seeing the reports from teachers coming in and two of his A's dropped to C's and below we started talking to him took some privelages away, it continued to go on, took more privelages away, and it is still going on. I don't want to crush his self esteem and make him drop the team but i am out of privelages to take away, I still don't think he is doing all of the homework. He has never been on a team sport or an afterschool activity, and I just don't know what to do. I ask him about the missing assignments and he says he just didn't want to do them. Help me!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 5:33pm

My DD also has ADHD and we didn't ground her as discipline b/c that only seemed to make her worse. We preferred major chores instead. For instance, if she lied to me three timees, then she got three chores - windows, garage, and polishing Nana's silver. DH or I would work right along beside her. We would not discuss why she was being punished unless she brought it up. Once the job was completed to my satisfaction, then she was praised. Sometimes, we would tell her you can either stay home this weekend or you can do this chore - give her a choice in her punishment. She almost always took the chore b/c she can't stand to do nothing.

I hope this helps!