unable to get through to 14yo
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unable to get through to 14yo
| Mon, 03-19-2007 - 10:24am |
I am new, please bear with me!! I have a 14yo son with severe ADHD and it seems as though everytime he gets in trouble he does everything he can to get into more trouble to the point where there is nothing left to take away, or suspend privelages, or anything and he is still behaving the same way he was when he first got into trouble. Living with his ADHD since it was discovered when he was 5, I have dealt with alot of issues and have come a long way with him, but i just can't seem to get past this one. He acts like whatever discipline I give him doesn't bother him, so it appears, then he continues the behavior until there is nothing left to take away. i really need some help with this one, his maturity level is that of about a 9yo and total lack of responsiblity. He also has a big problem with accepting resonsiblity of what he has done. How do i help him through this and still remain somewhat sain in the process? extremely frustrated!!!!!

I have 3 kids with ADHD, the youngest is now 15, and not nearly as severly affected as her brothers. I know what you mean about taking everything away and nothing gets better. Are you sure your DS KNOWS what is expected of him? ADHD kids often don't pick up on the normal cues for expected behavior, so they don't know what they should be doing. He may say he does, but I'd be willing to bet he's really not sure. Instead of saying "don't throw your clothes on the floor" say "put your clothes in the hamper when you're done wearing them." And start rewarding the positive instead of punishing the negative, even if you have to start with very tiny positives. These kids hear so many negatives about themselves in school, they're usually starving for acceptance and positives.
Good luck, ADHD kids are tough to parent, they try every ounce of patience and sometimes get on mom's last nerve, but they can also be a bundle of fun if you learn how to harness their energy a little bit.
Rose
You've gotten good advice already
We literally have to say "When you get home, let the dogs out, wait 15 min and bring them back in".
"Let the dogs out when you get home" means the dogs are out until WE get home-doesnt matter if its 20 below zero out there!
Checklists and spreadsheets. I made one for my 15 yr old that had brushing his teeth, taking a shower, etc. Its annoying that I have to do it but, by golly, it worked and DS3 now takes care of all the hygiene stuff without the spreadsheet.
Visuals are big. The toothbrush on the counter in the morning says more than you rattling off "did you brush your teeth?" for the upteenth time
Im addressing hygiene because it was a biggie here
We might have more suggestions if you give more specifics about which problems you are encountering-schoolwork, fighting at school, etc
Also, sometimes we get so frustrated we take it all away and then it IS meaningless because there truly is nothing left to lose. Why should they comply? You have to bite your tongue at times and use alternatives to losing privileges-I know some parents here assign work like cleaning the garage or washing windows.
Or...go with the positives instead. Give tokens for turning homework in and then a certain number of tokens earns a game rental or a movie pass
My DD also has ADHD and we didn't ground her as discipline b/c that only seemed to make her worse. We preferred major chores instead. For instance, if she lied to me three timees, then she got three chores - windows, garage, and polishing Nana's silver. DH or I would work right along beside her. We would not discuss why she was being punished unless she brought it up. Once the job was completed to my satisfaction, then she was praised. Sometimes, we would tell her you can either stay home this weekend or you can do this chore - give her a choice in her punishment. She almost always took the chore b/c she can't stand to do nothing.
I hope this helps!