Underage Drinking Problem
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:43pm |
My husband and I do not condone underage drinking. My 18yo (high school grad, pre-college) daughter goes to parties where there is alcohol and she and her friends drink. I don't provide alcohol and I don't allow underage drinking in my home.
So.....they drink elsewhere. The good news is that they do not binge drink and they do not drink and drive.
I continue to talk to my DD about the perils of underage drinking.
Lately when there is a party, one of the parents of my DDs group of friends volunteers to drive the girls to to the party and picks them back up and they all sleep over at that girl's house. I have been against this, but short of chaining my DD to her bed, there's no way to avoid it. This is what they do. Somehow I have been sucked into this. Just last week the party was in our part of town. All the girls came to our house and I drove them to the party, picked them up after and brought them to my house to sleep. They seemed "buzzed" but none of them was out of control. A few days later, one of the girls had a small party where alcohol was available. I drove my daughter there and picked her up after. Again, she was not drunk but had been drinking.
I feel like doing this is approving of this type of behavior. I feel if I don't participate in the driving then one of them will drive and something terrible will happen.
How do I stop this without preventing her from socializing with her friends?

Pages
I do know of some kids in the past who have gone drinking and then stayed at a friends home, the parents of the drinker didn't know. I know I wouldn't be popular, but I would be the parent calling the other parents telling them that their child had been drinking. One of dd's friends did go to a party and was drinking pretty heavily, she was getting a little too drunk for one of their other friends who had dated her in the past, he left, called another friend who A had used as an alibi and asked her to call A's parents, she didn't want to "blow her in" so he ended up calling the parents himself. A ended up having sex with one of the boys at the party.
Maybe none of this is going on with these girls, but it is a possibility and underaged drinking is a real problem even if they aren't doing anything else. As far as I am concerned no good can come from it and a lot of problems can.
I would have to not let my dd participate in these parties.
Sorry you are having this problem, hope it works out.
Kristie
I don't know if I would want to be picking my DD or DS up all of the time, but what you really are doing is teaching them responsible drinking. I bet it is hard, but if she is going off to college next year, you won't have any control over if she drinks or not, but at least you will have emphasized the responsible thing of not driving or driving with someone under the influence. We had always told our DS that we didn't want him drinking before he was of age, but that we knew that it might be hard in todays world. We always said that the first time he drank, we didn't want him to be out and get really drunk or hurt. We always told him that no matter what, if he was ever somewhere where he had been drinking or the person driving him was drinking that he could call us no matter what time it is and we will always pick him up.....no getting in big trouble. Well, at about 15 and 1/2 he actually started talking to us about how the whole football team were all drinkers and the reason he wasn't fitting in and going out with any of these kids was cause they were all drinking :( How sad hugh? Well, he ended up quiting football after sophmore yr, but he did say....ok, I would really like to have a beer, or a glass of wine, so that when people give me a hard time, I can say...."I've tried it and I don't like it...or don't need it" Well this was sooooooooo hard for me and upsetting, because I never expected it soooo young :( DH told me that we would be going back on what we always told him about his curiosity and that we wanted him to be with us. Soooooo, we gave him a pretty big glass of red wine and sat with him and talked while he drank it. He sat there for a few min.'s after finishing it and said...."oh, my stomach doesn't feel so good and my legs are tingling :( He went to bed within about 30 min.'s. The next morning we asked what he thought, and would he think that he could continue to drink now that we had let him.....he said, "no it's gonna be just like I said, I've done it, don't like it and don't need it."
I'm sorry that my story is soooo long, but I just thought I would share. As much as you don't want to be involved in this, I think that you and the other parents who are trying to help them stay safe. I would NOT ever let another underage child drink in my home, but that is not what you are doing.
Good luck.
Julie
mommiemed
This is tough. My DS17, as a senior, was suspended for 5 days in fall, along with other school punishment, becuause he admitted to drinking before a football game. They were not drunk, and were not given breathalyzer tests, but 4 days later were called into the asst. principal's office and interrogated, and some admitted to having drunk some alcohol. Those who denied it got off. We feel like you do, and do not condone underage drinking. Yet, we know when he's off to college in less than a month, it will happen. And what happened eight months later, after graduation? He smoked pot in the afternoon at a friend's house, and drove home! Of course we do not condone that either.
While I've always offered to drive if he or his friends ever needed a ride, he never called cuz I told him the truth--I think I'd need to inform the other kids' parents that they'd been drinking. And he'd lose his friends forever if that should happen!
As OPs have said, if at 18 they're old enough to vote and fight in Iraq, then they should be old enough to have a beer. I honestly do not know what is the right thing to do. All I can say is that I keep stressing that any illegal activity can get you in trouble, and that he is as unlucky as they come. He WILL get caught. And I've always told my boys to never drink shots, and warned them of getting to the point that they are no longer aware of what their doing, making themselves decoys for the police/MIPs. I think he's been good this summer, and I do think he's gotten the message. But we need to tell them OVER and OVER and OVER again, what's wrong and why it's wrong. I clip lots of newpaper articles, and sometimes print out these posts for him to read. And just pray that it will eventually sink in. I hope I'm not back here in a couple of months posting about the MIP he's gotten at college.
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
That's a tough call.
This is tough time isn't it? They are 18 years old, high school graduates, on the cusp of adult living or going to college in the fall. What to do. You KNOW they will drink, you've discussed the perils of binge drinking and alcoholism for years. She knows where you stand and what your concerns are. She is still going to drink on occasion. It's pretty simple. You do not have the authority to chain her to your home and monitor what she consumes on a daily basis - you haven't for a few years now. The law won't allow it and something about keeping our kids under lock and key just doesn't seem right, lol.
I think what you're doing is reality parenting. I think that while you do not condone underage drinking in YOUR home, you acknowledge it takes place elsewhere. It is a risk to your DD's reputation and police record should she be caught underage drinking. She will be the one who has to take the lumps, not you as she is 18 now, able to be tried as an adult. By providing her and her friends to and from the party, all you're doing is ensuring that none of them get behind the wheel and kill themselves or others. Personally, short of throwing up your hands and letting things go, you're providing a great service, a commendable one at that. I'd rather pick my dd up from a party where alcohol has been consumed than have her get a ride with someone who may have 'had just one'.
I can see why some parents might view this as condoning the drinking and tell you to stand firm against it and not drive her anymore and tell her she has to leave your home if she drinks or hold her college tuition over her head, etc. There are so many ways in which we can try to manipulate our adult children, but when do we finally let go and loosen the apron strings so they can learn about life on their own, through their own mistakes, etc? She will still be 18 when and if she goes away to college and most assuredly will be drinking on campus, despite dry dorms for freshmen! I have never been an advocate of raising the drinking age to 21. It just seems too unrealistic.
If we can educate our children about marriage, personal relationships, the dangers of illegal drugs, prepare them for military combat, sex, and how our government works so they can make an educated vote at 18, then certainly we can educate them about drinking alcohol so they can make an educated decision about when and how much to drink as well as manage their own sobriety.
In our country we have babies having babies. At 18 and in some states even younger our kids can marry, at 18 they can vote, at 18 they can go to wars and die for our country, yet there are NO programs in place to properly educate our children on how to drink responsibly. Instead, we send them out into the world and expect them to wait until they are 21 and along the way we micromanage them. What a joke.
I do not think you've caved into anything other than reality and wanting to make sure your dd makes it home safe and sound.
I would not be driving my kids to such parties, if s/he needed a ride home, I would go get them, but no way would I drive her. I would also tell her the same thing my dad told me, "If you're old enough to play adult games, then you're old enough to pay adult prices". Meaning, if you are ove 18 and want to go out and party, then pay for your own apartment, phones, etc... there is not that much money for drinking when you have to pay bills. I have a number of alcholics in my family, and I would not promote that behavior, it leads to a long road of suffering.
PS, if one of the 18 yo joined the military, I would buy them a beer. They have been saying that since I was a kid and they raised the drinking age to 21.
Edited 7/26/2007 10:14 am ET by my2kidsmom199498
Ramona Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!
I'll just add this though;
By taking our daughters to get BC pills, or buying condoms for our teens are we saying that we condone them having premarital or uncommitted sex? I think not. My kids all know that ideally they will wait until they are married to have sex. I am not dumb though, and although my kids say they'd like to wait also admit that they might not wait. The likelyhood is there. Supposed you KNOW your teen is having sex, will you then not provide the ride to get DS to gf's house? Or allow DD to take the car that you've provided her to use for school or work to now go out with bf? Are you condoning sex by providing transportation or bc, I don't think so.
I would continue to let DD know that I don't approve of her actions, they are illegal, she can get into serious trouble. I would not allow her to host one of these parties in my home, I would explain that by starting now she is increasing the chance that she will begin to drink more, or harder alcohol and the risks will be much greater. Also, if she'll be living on campus there will be even more risks that now when she is living at home.
This is really a tough spot because she really is to the point where she is going to do what she is going to do. Grounding a college bound freshman is pretty pointless. I assume she's not getting money from you to get into these parties or buy alcohol, but if she is I would cut that off, but otherwise I think that what you're doing is probably the lesser of 2 evils here. Good luck!
Pages