Underage Drinking Problem
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| Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:43pm |
My husband and I do not condone underage drinking. My 18yo (high school grad, pre-college) daughter goes to parties where there is alcohol and she and her friends drink. I don't provide alcohol and I don't allow underage drinking in my home.
So.....they drink elsewhere. The good news is that they do not binge drink and they do not drink and drive.
I continue to talk to my DD about the perils of underage drinking.
Lately when there is a party, one of the parents of my DDs group of friends volunteers to drive the girls to to the party and picks them back up and they all sleep over at that girl's house. I have been against this, but short of chaining my DD to her bed, there's no way to avoid it. This is what they do. Somehow I have been sucked into this. Just last week the party was in our part of town. All the girls came to our house and I drove them to the party, picked them up after and brought them to my house to sleep. They seemed "buzzed" but none of them was out of control. A few days later, one of the girls had a small party where alcohol was available. I drove my daughter there and picked her up after. Again, she was not drunk but had been drinking.
I feel like doing this is approving of this type of behavior. I feel if I don't participate in the driving then one of them will drive and something terrible will happen.
How do I stop this without preventing her from socializing with her friends?

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I agree that in some way I AM putting my stamp of approval on underage drinking. This is the trap I feel I've fallen into. However, the alternative is to let a teen make the decision to drive or not. I'm not sure that she or any of her friends would have the good judgement not to drive. Calling a cab where we live is not an option.
This is an interesting perspective. I think you're right in that someone's kid is probably driving. I've also cautioned DD that there is a real chance that police could show up at some of these parties. The problem I have with this suggestion is keeping her home. She offers a good arguement about leaving for college in a few weeks and I won't know where she's going or what she's doing. I think letting her go to these parties is kind of a way for her to show that she can be responsible...which she is as far as driving goes.
I'm so confused!
You've put this in perspective for me...thank you.
And thank you to all the other posters..I found something to help me from each of you!
As far as college, who is going to get her from "A" to "B" there? I'm sure she'll at least have to cross streets (sometimes more dangerous that drinking and driving IMO) What about drinking without this group of close frds around, who will prevent her from going further with a guy than she would have normally, or making other bad decisions. Just contunie to reinforce that drinking underage, and drinking to excess are never a good idea, no matter how safe it may seem. And continue to keep her (and others on the road) safe for as long as you can by making sure she's not being driven by a drunk.
The only part I have a problem with is you driving folks other than your own dd to these parties. I think that could get dicey.
Picking them up-after the fact-I am fine with because they have already done the deed but couldnt one of these other parents call YOU in for contributing by providing transportation for their child?
You are in a way condoning it, but I understand your reasoning. You don't want to have to recieve a call from the hospital, basically every mother's worst nightmare.
I know for a fact that Reagan(17) and Shea(17) drink because I caught them last fall. Like your daughter, they will be going away to college this fall and will be out of my control. I have repeatedly told all of my children the risks of drinking. I have told them that if they ever need it they can call home and I will come pick them up. Unfortunately, I honestly don't think that they would use that unless it was the last resort possible. I have told them that if they get caught in college and get kicked out of their dorms or anything like that they would have to pay for it. The girls say that they always have a DD but usually don't leave the place until the morning, they don't do it a lot, that they never leave anyone, there is always at least one sober person just in case something happens, and that they don't drink a lot.
I don't approve of it and it does not happen in my house. The only way I could ever stop it all together is to lock them in their rooms which is unrealistic. I think you should continue to tell her how you feel about it and the risks. Also, tell her that she is responsible for her actions.
Stephanie
I don't know what to do about this either since I have an 18 yo DD who drinks on occasion. She has never come home drunk. Sometimes she will sleep over a friend's house and I assume that's where the drinking is going on, but i would rather have her sleep over than drive. I wouldn't have kid drink in my house. In fact, DH & I will be going away for the weekend soon and one of the reasons why I don't want DD to stay home alone is I'm afraid she might have friends over and they will drink.
She went away for the weekend w/ some friends and they rented a house in another state. I knew they would drink and I told her to watch out, it was pretty far for me to drive to pick her up if she got arrested. I also warned her that if it was loud (a lot of kids were going to be there), the neighbors might call the police and that's when they would get arrested. She actually asked me if I would buy them some liquor and I said no. I'm not going to actively support them doing this.
Contrary to what other posters might do, I wouldn't call the police if I knew other kids were having a party. First of all, if my kid is doing it too, it's pretty hypocritical to call on other kids who are drinking and I really don't wanat her or her friends arrested. When I was that age, it was legal to drink, so it's not the drinking I mind so much, except that I don't want her drinking excessively or driving. I actually wish the drinking age was still 18 because it would be less to worry about.
I also think it's really ridiculous to suggest that they should be kicked out or the parents would threaten not to pay their tuition. I'm not going to ruin her future on this kind of a power struggle. I don't know if there's really an answer cause after they're 18, how much control do you have over what they do? I also think that all the deans, etc. know that everyone in college is drinking too and they can't control it there either. My cousin was an RA and she told me that they actually warned the kids in the dorm that their rooms would be searched over Christmas vacation but that they still found alcohol.
Are they 21? Would you drive them to a store to shoplift? Would you be ok if it was only ecstacy? pot? cocaine? What have you taught her in your home about drinking? How do you know they are not binge drinking or smoking pot or having unprotected sex? Do you know the legal ramifications if they are caught - for both 18 year old and responsible parent? In our state the parents can get a hefty fine and jail time.
OK - sorry soapbox gone. I am sorry but I work in prevention and just recently did my final college study on underage substance use and how loneliness and disconnection ionfluence their choices. Really? Your daughter can think of nothing else to do with beuatiful summer weather than to go to drinking parties? I think you are saying one thing and doing another when you drop her off. If you truly believed none of them were drinking a driving this would not be an issue. I know in our town parents fall in two or three camps - the first being it is a teenage right of passage type thing, the second is your kid may be doing it but not mine and then there are the people who allow their kids to go disapprovingly but don't want their children NOT to be popular. I personally, hold my children in higher regard - it is just alcohol - you pee it out.
We have given our children (at age 15) a glass of wine with dinner - champagne with celebrations and they really don't care for it. This is my question when parents ask me what I mean about 'teaching' our children about alcohol. Would you send your child out in a car with their friends to learn how to drive? Why would you send them off with their friends with a case of beer to figure out how to handle drinking responsibly?
To get fully technical - the teen brain is not fully developed according to the new research. When teenagers drink the tendency of future addiction increases - due to the brain structure... nothing that can be controlled by choices except not to drink.
I know for a fact that the parent attitude and guidance regarding drugs and alcohol are THE biggest determining factor in why kids drink. The second is to belong - but kids can't see the full picture of ramifications - which is why they need us as much in middle and high school to do our job as when they were toddlers!
Sorry to sort of be all over - I was in a conversation about a related issue too.
Courtney
Courtney
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom
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Neither did mine when they were given wine at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Yet at 19 and 22 they drink and the 19 yr old was drinking at 15(that I KNOW of)
I think it's safe to say MOST people dont like alcohol the first time they try it. They persevere, swallow it to cave to peer pressure, or find something more palatable. Back in my day it was Boones Farm which I still see on the shelves. Now we also have wine coolers and flavored vodkas or the Baileys minis which probably remind todays kids of STarbucks!!
I agree we need to teach responsible drinking and, frankly, I think that is exactly what the OP is doing. We pop them in seat belts when they are little in the hopes they will get in such a habit, they wont think about not buckling the belt.
Dont you think this mom is teaching 'dont drink and drive"
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