Underage Drinking Problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2007
Underage Drinking Problem
25
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:43pm

My husband and I do not condone underage drinking. My 18yo (high school grad, pre-college) daughter goes to parties where there is alcohol and she and her friends drink. I don't provide alcohol and I don't allow underage drinking in my home.


So.....they drink elsewhere. The good news is that they do not binge drink and they do not drink and drive.


I continue to talk to my DD about the perils of underage drinking.


Lately when there is a party, one of the parents of my DDs group of friends volunteers to drive the girls to to the party and picks them back up and they all sleep over at that girl's house. I have been against this, but short of chaining my DD to her bed, there's no way to avoid it. This is what they do. Somehow I have been sucked into this. Just last week the party was in our part of town. All the girls came to our house and I drove them to the party, picked them up after and brought them to my house to sleep. They seemed "buzzed" but none of them was out of control. A few days later, one of the girls had a small party where alcohol was available. I drove my daughter there and picked her up after. Again, she was not drunk but had been drinking.


I feel like doing this is approving of this type of behavior. I feel if I don't participate in the driving then one of them will drive and something terrible will happen.


How do I stop this without preventing her from socializing with her friends?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 10:25pm

Actually no - I think she is delivering the kid to the party. Have you ever looked on myspace or facebook at the photos of kids drinking? They are not sitting around contemplating their futures over a glass of wine - as many 17 year olds have said to me - "why else would I drink except to get drunk". This is acceptance of the youth culture as normal and we are putting them in adult situations without the tools to handle it. She is allowing her dd to drink (adult decision) and then not requiring her to be responsible for herself and her behavior. I do have a pact with my children and others that I love that they can call me anytime - I will not comment until a later date.

As I said - I was not born yesterday and don't think we will have a substance free Utopian state for underage drinking. That being said - consider how our children drink vs European children same with US adults v. European adults. We have far more binge drinking and sobriety issues because we are sadly shown on tv and movies and far too often in life that when someone drinks it IS to get drunk. I think making alcohol taboo and yet cool is what makes knowing how to handle it hard for parents. In the best case scenario parents model moderation and talk with children openly about drinking but this is not the case. Far to often the kids drinking are the ones whose family has issues.

Courtney

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 8:06am

"Far to often the kids drinking are the ones whose family has issues."

This really sounds and looks like it is commming from your studies of the issues. You really should read both of your posts, because you say that you gave your kids alchohol at a certain age, but by what I hear you saying, you are talking from both sides of your mouth. The bottom line is, parents can make one of two choices and they really are black and white. Forbid your children to drink, do all in your power to make them abstain from it including punishing them if you found out that they have been drinking (oh and that means until they are 21) or Try and teach responsible drinking, which means that some of your actions (like picking a child up from a party or anytime they call because you told them you would) will somehow SEEM like you are condoning underage drinking. Or giving your child their first drink at home with the hopes that they understand that this is to show them how to drink responsibly. I personally don't think anyone can have it both ways. Parents have to make a choice. They also have to make a choice when they find their teens are sexually active. Helping them with birthcontrol and safe sex....that is no matter how we look at it....condoning sex too.

These are just my opinions :)

Julie (who learned to drink responsibly from a recovering alcholic father(27 yrs) when I was a teen and yes the drinking age was already 21)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 4:01pm
I know this is an old post but I wanted to clarify - I do not condone underage drinking - would not drop my kid off to a party knowing I would be picking him up stinking drunk. I would not offer or allow underage children to drink in my home. My children are offered wine with special meals if the rest of the family is also toasting with the same wine - after the first "glass" which was <1/4 cup of actual wine my son has said no thank you.
So I do feel the European "philosophy" of teaching moderation within the family and family gatherings is appropriate. Clearly, in your family moderation was not the practice and therefore would not work. Our culture glorifies drinking and drunkeness - we have far more dependency issues and they have less addicted young adults.

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 5:44pm

"Clearly, in your family moderation was not the practice and therefore would not work."

Boy was that NASTY :) But that's ok. I know that some peoples ignorance of the disease of alcholism just can't be helped. And to top it off, my point was that I was taught how to drink responsibly by a man who realized that alcohol was hurting him and his family and went into recovery after learning that he has the disease which means that a person can not even have 1 drink if they are an alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink in 27 years.

Also, I am thinking because you responded to this soooooo much later, you missed my point anyway. It was to tell you that you said one thing in one post and another in another post. See below;

"We have given our children (at age 15) a glass of wine with dinner - champagne with celebrations and they really don't care for it."

"year olds have said to me - "why else would I drink except to get drunk". This is acceptance of the youth culture as normal and we are putting them in adult situations without the tools to handle it."

So again, my point to you was that I felt that you were talking about both sides of the issue and you really can't have it both ways. If you try and teach your child, the "european" way that means you try and teach them to drink responsibly which is what the OP was trying to do, but you condemned that. Also just so you know, I have seen written (but won't be able to quote a sourse) that Europeans actually tend to lean toward alcholism....you don't have to be a drunk to be an alcholic. What it really is is that your liver no longer breaks down the alcohol in your body thus, there is almost always alcohol in your blood stream because if you drink (as the europeans do ) one or two glasses of wine each day, and you are an alcoholic, you constantly have alcohol in your blood stream, and without it you actually go into withdrawl. Just thought I would share what I learned in the alonon meetings that I went to while my dad was in recovery and over the years when my father spoke to groups and individuals about being an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic.

Have a great day,

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:03pm

I'm weighing in late on this issue, but I'm going to share my thoughts anyway.


I was always against raising the drinking age to 21 - and I was in my mid- to late 20s when they raised the age, so it really didn't affect me then.

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