Unhealthy Teen relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Unhealthy Teen relationship
11
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 7:59pm

I am at my wits end. My son is 18 and a senior, his girlfriend is 16 and a sophomore. They spend every moment they can with eachother. Her parents support this and have let him sneak over knowing he was not allowed to visit. I think it took a week to pick my jaw up off of the floor.

They both are basically good kids, but both are sneaky and bring the worst out in eachother. They have pressured eachother into some dangerous situations, (Sneaking out at night, etc..) Her parents believe everything she says because she is catholic and knows not to have sex before marriage. (Um, ok?)

The clingy nature of the relationship scares me. He has been accepted to many colleges, and I fear he will stay put, (We are moving)and go to community college part time so he can be around her.

She is so openly rude to us to the point she isn't invited here anymore. We get in "their way"

Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 10:58pm

How long have they been together?

This seems to be a common story on the board(in terms of the 'attached at the hip' stuff)I think it must be normal for those first feelings to go overboard like they do

DS2's best friend(as in male friend, not date)was like this. What one didnt think of, the other did. And his parents were clueless with a capital C. It makes it so much harder-you are alone is trying to enforce some rules and you feel like the non-trusting wicked witch of the west.

But, really, what CAN you do? The more you say, the more defensive they get. I would focus on keeping him safe-pare down your rules to that end. Visit the colleges; see where his male friends are going-visit those schools. Dont bad mouth the community college(not a bad option financially anyhow)Stay positive and avoid any sentence that begins "I hope you're not thinking of...."

Be sure you are spending time with him that doesnt involve talking about 'issues'. We have made that mistake in the past and finally learned(maybe not DH) You see them so rarely you feel the need to go to college plans and lecture of the day when you do see them and then, mysteriously, you see them even less. I mean, duh!

Have fun conversations with him at dinner and plan some fun family times

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 12:41am

Thank you.

They have been dating for a year.

We have added issues that make this difficult to maneuver. Our timing sucks. My husband's job was eliminated a year ago, and he landed one 7 hours away. We are lucky since he is a higher up executive and have been able to stay in our home the past yr. I understand my son wanting to finish out his senior yr, even though he can graduate now. We told him, we would support him IF he was honest and trustworthy. Otherwise, we could not in good conscience leave him with another family. He got caught sneaking out that very night.

"But, really, what CAN you do? The more you say, the more defensive they get. I would focus on keeping him safe-pare down your rules to that end. Visit the colleges; see where his male friends are going-visit those schools. Dont bad mouth the community college(not a bad option financially anyhow)Stay positive and avoid any sentence that begins "I hope you're not thinking of...." (I don't know how to use quotes here yet!)

I did say (I am sure in a bad mouth way) that I was worried that he would stay in Hooterville & go to Community College.

My son has lived with us (Myself & step-dad) since he was in 2nd grade and his bio Dad pretty much has been out of his life other than 2 visits or so a year, yet they live 90 miles apart.

We have done the college visits, we saved enough to pay most of his college, yet expected him to save money towards his education also.

Out of the blue his "Dad" who has less than a stellar financial and emotional background told our son to ignore us. He would pay for all of his college. He has stated that he does not believe in paying for college for the past 10 years. My son of course took this & the car given to him as his golden ticket. I don't blame him, he is 18 with an absent Dad holding a perfect answer to his immediate problems.

I feel like he sees us as the enemy, and I feel super guilty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 11:57am

I'm not real wild about DD's b/f but I try to respect the fact that she has CHOOSEN to be with him. Any negative things that I say or do about her b/f she takes as criticism of her and her choice. At the age of 18 (she is in college so it's a little different), I've had to learn to try to relax some of my house rules. I still expect to have some idea of where she is and who she is with. I still expect to have some idea of when she will be home. Her b/f is now allowed in the house when we are not home and they are allowed to go to her room and shut the door. She has actually gotten more respectful of us since we've relaxed the rules a little.

So far as the college situation goes, I fought tooth and nail my DD's college choice. She choose a huge party school that is 5 hours from home. There are around 30,000 students there and she has ADD - ADD and classes with 400 other students is not a good learning option. However, this was her choice. I finally took the stance of she knows my objections and that's all I can do. She had the means to pay for this school herself so I couldn't use money as a reason. DD is very stubborn and was determined to prove us wrong. She worked hard and now has a 4.0 gpa. She's a first year sophmore b/c she worked hard and took dual credit classes in high school. She also took classes at the community college over the summer. I think letting her know our concerns and then trusting her to make the right choice was the right way for us to go - hard, very, very hard but still the right thing.

I teach at a community college so I am a little prejudice here but I also wanted DD to go to a 4 yr school from the beginning. So I think I can see both sides. I see kids every day that are here b/c there mom/dad are making them go to college. They would rather be working. I think that's a mistake. They really don't get anything out of it. I also see adults that come back later - they struggle but they are here b/c they want to be. They are better students. If community college is where he wants to be, then he will probably do better than if he were forced to go somewhere else. Yes you need to present other options but accept his choice. He will come closer to succeeding if he feels he has your support and love.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 1:38pm

IMO there is virtually nothing you can do to dissuade this relationship. You probably already know that. Your only strategy is to remove the forbidden fruit allure by removing the power struggle. Don't make it a us vs them thing. Teens thrive on that (remember?). I guess you could tell him you love him, hope he is happy, and remind him the importance of college. It ends there. If he decides to go to CC then so be it. I know you're looking for magic bullet but there isn't one. If its one thing you can salvage, make it the relationship between him and his family. Keep the door open. This thing'll fizzle out. How many of us wound up with our HS boyfriend? GL, Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 3:19pm

I'm sorry to tell you this but to them indeed you ARE the enemy, you ARE getting in the way and the dangerous behaviours (sneaking out etc.) wouldn't be so dangerous if they were sanctioned by you instead of forbidden by you. The more squeeze you put on your son, the more you will drive them together. It will be "us against the world".

Remove your biases for a second. Assume that he WILL continue with school, that they ARE good for each other, that she is a NICE kid and that really, they aren't doing anything WRONG. Then what would your opposition be? That they want to see each other and go out? WHOA!!! Imagine that!!! Two teens who like each other want to be together!!!

Do you think if you removed the need for them to sneak around and instead just dictated that his relationship not affect his grades and his plans for the future that alot of the anxiety would die down?

I speak from very personal experience. I was a young woman of 18 when I met my first serious boyfriend and future husband. My parents greatly disapproved. We could go out under very limited situations (ie movies yes, restaurants yes, dances and clubs no etc.). We had to be home by 10 if we did go out. He was allowed at my house but I couldn't go to his. My mom was PETRIFIED that I would throw away my career plans and education because of him. They thought he was unsuitable, not good enough etc and tried to do everything possible to break us up. My mom even encouraged me to see other guys behind his back that she thought were better for me.

Needless to say all this made him more attractive to me. I did finish university but we were married as soon as it was over. We had a marriage with much mixed success and there was alot about him that wasn't right for me. But maybe if left on my own I would have seen it for myself. But instead I was pushed towards him and I was motivated to marry him early to be with him and get away from my controlling parents.

So ... maybe look at your own reasons and biases and ensure you are doing the right thing. We parents aren't ALWAYS right....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 12:55am

Thank you all.

I know I am not always right, and yes I play the role as the enemy in their relationship. It is hard to see your kid alter his life and 100% of it becomes about one person along with losing friendships, and his sense of humor. I am trying really hard to get ths but it scares me.

I can't figure out a way to sanction my 18 year old (Senior in HS) son sleeping over night at his 16 yr old girlfriends house. He could be arrested and that worries me. In our state it is a sexual offense to have sexual contact with a child under the age of 18. Sexual contact includes all "bases"

I am mistaking my "advice" as the voice of reason. I am the enemy, and I need to figure out a way to step back and be more accepting. I have backed off and keep my thoughts to myself more than I normally would.

I don't have any choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:02pm

I don't claim to be a legal expert regarding statuatory rape laws but I don't believe you have great need for concern. The age of consent is actually 14 in our province but where the age gap between the two people is under a certain number of years it does not apply. The law is not meant to punish teenagers who are having sex -- only men who are in positions of authority and are trying to abuse it ie sex of an exploitative or manipulative nature.

I believe if your research your own state laws you may find the same provisions. So I wouldn't be overly concerned about that fact.

They all grow up eventually and yes their lives focus around new and different things almost overnight. If he's lost his sense of humour, again, look at how your own behaviour and attempt to control his life may have impacted that part of your relationship.

I just look at it this way, we could try to bang our heads stubbornly against a brick wall and blame the wall for not letting us through OR we could change our strategy, and look for a door. Its alot less painful for everyone involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:22pm
The age for consesnt here in IL is 17.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:50pm
I feel your pain - when my ds was a senior he went out with a sophomore that we didn't care for.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 1:51am

I know Illinois law since I have done research due to my overly concerned self. I live in a town with 4K people, this is not a game.

I did not make myself clear, and I am ashamed that I appeared to be an uneducated person that had no clue about the age of consent in Illinois and had not done the proper research of the definition of statuatory rape in Illinois.

"I believe if your research your own state laws you may find the same provisions. So I wouldn't be overly concerned about that fact."

I did, and I am concerned.

Guilty.

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