Unmotivated teen SS, summer break..
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Unmotivated teen SS, summer break..
| Mon, 07-16-2007 - 12:23pm |
Hello... SS (stepson) is 16 and with us for the whole summer. He is in another state w/BM (bio-mom) during the school year. Anyhow, we started talking early on in the year how he was going to get a job this summer. I even started looking before he got here and had a connection for him at the grocery store, but he never followed up on it. I was a little annoyed about that since he had been saying he wanted to work there, but let it slide since he was still out of state. Once he got here we let him have a week "off" and the next week I started taking him around to fill out applications. In the beginning he was so picky, kept saying he didn't want to work anywhere w/food, which was silly since those are good places for teens to get a job. He never asked me to take him to look for jobs or said he wanted to go, I always just told him the night before what time we were leaving in the morning. I thought it was strange he didn't seem that interested in getting a job IMO. Even when he did apply, he refused to follow-up w/a phone call. Again, would only do so if I physically drove him to the place. Needless to say, summer is half-over and he doesn't have a job and now says it's too late to get one. I am tired of spending so much time driving him if he doesn't really want to do it. I also have two DD's who are 4 and 6. He is good to watch the kids, but one night he babysat and we came home and I have computer spyware, and he was looking at porn almost the whole time he was sitting the girls, while they were upstairs in our bedroom watching videos. Otherwise he is very good with his sisters, but I was, needless to say, livid about this. He also has no motivation to get is learners lisence, which he has to have a year to even get his drivers lisence. DH got a new car and told SS he could have the old car, which I told DH I totally disagree with. SS has shown no motivation to do anything, and he is being handed a car? That of course he cannot even legally drive for a year after he gets his learners. I have also been telling him all summer that I will gladly take him to the DMV any day, but he has never shown an interest in that either. I know this paints a picture of a big-time slacker, but other than all of these things, he is actually a really good kid, makes good grades, plays the sax and has gone to state competitions. I have no idea what goes on when he is with BM since she barely communicates with DH. When he can get her on the phone, he does most of the talking. She has always been this way and doesn't hardly discuss SS w/DH. She wasn't around much when he was very little and I was more of the mother figure. I know SS has a lot of issues and I don't think BM or DH helps by giving him cars or not making him work, etc. I guess I should just stop worrying about it so much, but it really bugs me. I just find it so unusual that he is so unmotivated w/the job/car situation, when it seems like kids these days are so into "stuff". Why would a 16 year old just want to hang around his stepmom and little sisters all summer when he could start having some independence. He does go to the mall or movies w/friends, who are all very nice kids, but not that often. Anyhow, I'll stop rambling, just wanted to see if this behavior is usual, what I should do, etc. I posted at the stepmoms board but not sure how many people there have teens. Just looking for ANY advice. Thanks so much!

You may want to talk with your insurance agent to see if you can dramatically increase the deductible of the car if it's not being used or find reasonable rates that would cover a "parked" car. I'm not sure if companies do this but it's worth looking into. I know from our experience looking for used cars for two teenagers, that finding a good used car is few and far between. It's best to keep the car in the family if at all possible.
I also know from experience that most teens usually won't take the initiative to do chores unless you ask them to or make a list, so that's reasonable for him to behave that way. I would find out why your husband has become "less strict". All parents of teens question their parenting skills but, in my opinion, this is the time to be more strict (although flexible when need be). You're building the foundation for adulthood although I can't really comment because I don't know the dynamics of your family. He's lucky to have such a considerate stepmom.
This must be a "boy" thing. My almost 15yo is the same way. Although he wants to make money he won't do the chores I offer to pay him for...just plays video games and surfs the net all day if allowed to. He's too young to work a real gig so his options are limited. On the other hand my dd would do ANYTHING you asked if money was involved. Even if you didn't pay her the list (unwritten) of chores were completed by the time I got home from work. I think boys are just different and we have to deal with them right where they are. If that means lists...make them. If it means withholding time with friends...do it. The point is to teach them responsibility while we have them at home.
Re: the car. I agree with an earlier post. It's better to keep the family car and get the cheapest collision-only insurance possible if you can afford it. You won't worry as much about the possibity of dings while he's learning to drive. Just remember driving is a priviledge not a right!
Just my 2 cents.
Would DH agree to SS paying 1/2 the blue book value? It might be worth asking.
Sort of a compromise
I think the car thing is a big reason for teens to find work-although employers here wouldnt hire a kid for the summer unless it was an ice cream shop type thing. Too many people wanting the jobs who will remain here in the fall
Your not alone in having to deal with an unmotivated teen. Our DS17 decided he was too good to work in a grocery store, too. He finished his soccer season June 17th, and moves into the dorm on Aug. 22, so there wasn't a lot of time with an open schedule, putting him at a disadvantage compared to other kids, especially those who will attend the community college here and continue working in fall. Also, we had a short trip to DC to visit DH, and he's spending a long weekend with his brother in Baltimore in August. Then he had a couple long weekends scheduled staying at friends' cottages and I didn't want to make him miss those since it'll be the last couple times all the HS friends get together before all of them go their separate ways.
Despite all that, I'm still upset he wouldn't work at the grocery store and I'm making him pay for gas and insurance--needless to say he doesn't use his car much anymore. Also, I made him sign up for volunteer work. He's volunteering for American Red Cross, loading and unloading for blood drives, and other odd jobs. Not a whole lot of hours, but it's something. Perhaps your SS can do the same. Our Goodwill has open sessions when those studying for their GED can get help, and I plan to have him work as a volunteer tutor/helper there, also. And I give him projects around the house to do--yard work, painting, equipment assembly, etc. No pay for any of that, even though he always asks for it. He's got it too easy as it is.
Providing a car when he's doing nothing, and the porn thing would have me pretty upset. Hope you gave him a good lecture about the porn. Along with watching your children, perhaps the volunteering will keep him busy enough to avoid the porn.
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