Unmotivated teen SS, summer break..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Unmotivated teen SS, summer break..
9
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 12:23pm
Hello... SS (stepson) is 16 and with us for the whole summer. He is in another state w/BM (bio-mom) during the school year. Anyhow, we started talking early on in the year how he was going to get a job this summer. I even started looking before he got here and had a connection for him at the grocery store, but he never followed up on it. I was a little annoyed about that since he had been saying he wanted to work there, but let it slide since he was still out of state. Once he got here we let him have a week "off" and the next week I started taking him around to fill out applications. In the beginning he was so picky, kept saying he didn't want to work anywhere w/food, which was silly since those are good places for teens to get a job. He never asked me to take him to look for jobs or said he wanted to go, I always just told him the night before what time we were leaving in the morning. I thought it was strange he didn't seem that interested in getting a job IMO. Even when he did apply, he refused to follow-up w/a phone call. Again, would only do so if I physically drove him to the place. Needless to say, summer is half-over and he doesn't have a job and now says it's too late to get one. I am tired of spending so much time driving him if he doesn't really want to do it. I also have two DD's who are 4 and 6. He is good to watch the kids, but one night he babysat and we came home and I have computer spyware, and he was looking at porn almost the whole time he was sitting the girls, while they were upstairs in our bedroom watching videos. Otherwise he is very good with his sisters, but I was, needless to say, livid about this. He also has no motivation to get is learners lisence, which he has to have a year to even get his drivers lisence. DH got a new car and told SS he could have the old car, which I told DH I totally disagree with. SS has shown no motivation to do anything, and he is being handed a car? That of course he cannot even legally drive for a year after he gets his learners. I have also been telling him all summer that I will gladly take him to the DMV any day, but he has never shown an interest in that either. I know this paints a picture of a big-time slacker, but other than all of these things, he is actually a really good kid, makes good grades, plays the sax and has gone to state competitions. I have no idea what goes on when he is with BM since she barely communicates with DH. When he can get her on the phone, he does most of the talking. She has always been this way and doesn't hardly discuss SS w/DH. She wasn't around much when he was very little and I was more of the mother figure. I know SS has a lot of issues and I don't think BM or DH helps by giving him cars or not making him work, etc. I guess I should just stop worrying about it so much, but it really bugs me. I just find it so unusual that he is so unmotivated w/the job/car situation, when it seems like kids these days are so into "stuff". Why would a 16 year old just want to hang around his stepmom and little sisters all summer when he could start having some independence. He does go to the mall or movies w/friends, who are all very nice kids, but not that often. Anyhow, I'll stop rambling, just wanted to see if this behavior is usual, what I should do, etc. I posted at the stepmoms board but not sure how many people there have teens. Just looking for ANY advice. Thanks so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 1:36pm
I hate to sound harsh, but I suppose he wants to hang around because he can sleep in, eat and look at porn on the computer. Has your husband helped with motivating him to look for a job? And it's not too late to get a job. The summer is only half over. If you permit the slacking this summer and didn't follow through with his commitment to work, what will happen next summer? What with the minimum wage increase, he still has a month or so to work and make a good amount of money. Or, you can find things for him to do around the house that would help you and your husband, i.e. yardwork, washing the car, etc. As for the car, in my opinion, no teen should be allowed to use or be given a car if they don't have a job.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:07pm
You don't sound harsh, I completely agree with you. I have told DH he should sell the car, it's stupid for us to pay for insurance and just have it sitting there. SS keeps saying he is going to come back in Jan. to go to school here, but I feel like he's just saying that so DH won't sell the car, although I don't know why he wants it if he can't even drive. DH does have him do a lot of chores, but unless he specifies what he wants him to do and makes a list, SS won't do anything. It's just frustrating as a stepparent b/c I can't be the only one pushing him if his mom and dad aren't going to. DH has always been so strict with him but the older SS gets, the less strict he is, which it should be consistent. Anyhow, thanks for taking the time to read and give your opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:27pm

You may want to talk with your insurance agent to see if you can dramatically increase the deductible of the car if it's not being used or find reasonable rates that would cover a "parked" car. I'm not sure if companies do this but it's worth looking into. I know from our experience looking for used cars for two teenagers, that finding a good used car is few and far between. It's best to keep the car in the family if at all possible.

I also know from experience that most teens usually won't take the initiative to do chores unless you ask them to or make a list, so that's reasonable for him to behave that way. I would find out why your husband has become "less strict". All parents of teens question their parenting skills but, in my opinion, this is the time to be more strict (although flexible when need be). You're building the foundation for adulthood although I can't really comment because I don't know the dynamics of your family. He's lucky to have such a considerate stepmom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 3:14pm

This must be a "boy" thing. My almost 15yo is the same way. Although he wants to make money he won't do the chores I offer to pay him for...just plays video games and surfs the net all day if allowed to. He's too young to work a real gig so his options are limited. On the other hand my dd would do ANYTHING you asked if money was involved. Even if you didn't pay her the list (unwritten) of chores were completed by the time I got home from work. I think boys are just different and we have to deal with them right where they are. If that means lists...make them. If it means withholding time with friends...do it. The point is to teach them responsibility while we have them at home.

Re: the car. I agree with an earlier post. It's better to keep the family car and get the cheapest collision-only insurance possible if you can afford it. You won't worry as much about the possibity of dings while he's learning to drive. Just remember driving is a priviledge not a right!

Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 4:11pm
Thanks for your advice, I wasn't aware of the insurance info you gave. Our family dynamics are a little different than most. SS's mom lives 500 miles away and he goes to school out there. Like I said, she doesn't communicate with DH unless he initiates it, and even then she takes a week or two to call him back, at which time she doesn't give out a lot of information. I do know from when he was small that she pretty much let him do whatever he wanted. I sense this has not changed. When he was little I felt like I was probably an over-involved stepparent (even though I had to be b/c of the circumstances) and now I try and not get too caught up, since he isn't here all the time and I now have two DD's in the picture. It is hard to be someone's parent for a chunk of time, then he leaves and I am not his parent for another chunk of time... but I still think of him as my son and try to treat him as such, although I know my girls would never get away with being so lazy b/c I wouldn't let them. I myself had a job at 15 and my drivers permit the day of my 16th birthday. I think DH is less strict b/c SS isn't here all the time and he and BM have a less than good relationship. There is guilt on both sides about custody battles from when SS was little, which no one speaks of but it's pretty obvious. Anyhow, thanks for your time on this, I appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 4:15pm
Thanks for your 2 cents. Maybe it is a boy thing, although another reason it's strange to me is b/c I grew up with an older brother who was always working and bought himself a car with his own money by his 16th birthday. I was not the most motivated kid but always worked and had a job at 15. I see now we should have been more strict in not letting him do things until he had a job. Guess I felt like I was trying to move a brick wall and thought DH would be able to handle that part of it. I am also having heart surgery next month so I am pretty stressed and probably letting things go that I may not normally. Thanks for taking the time to respond an offer your advice, I appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 9:50pm

Would DH agree to SS paying 1/2 the blue book value? It might be worth asking.

Sort of a compromise

I think the car thing is a big reason for teens to find work-although employers here wouldnt hire a kid for the summer unless it was an ice cream shop type thing. Too many people wanting the jobs who will remain here in the fall

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 8:54am

Your not alone in having to deal with an unmotivated teen. Our DS17 decided he was too good to work in a grocery store, too. He finished his soccer season June 17th, and moves into the dorm on Aug. 22, so there wasn't a lot of time with an open schedule, putting him at a disadvantage compared to other kids, especially those who will attend the community college here and continue working in fall. Also, we had a short trip to DC to visit DH, and he's spending a long weekend with his brother in Baltimore in August. Then he had a couple long weekends scheduled staying at friends' cottages and I didn't want to make him miss those since it'll be the last couple times all the HS friends get together before all of them go their separate ways.

Despite all that, I'm still upset he wouldn't work at the grocery store and I'm making him pay for gas and insurance--needless to say he doesn't use his car much anymore. Also, I made him sign up for volunteer work. He's volunteering for American Red Cross, loading and unloading for blood drives, and other odd jobs. Not a whole lot of hours, but it's something. Perhaps your SS can do the same. Our Goodwill has open sessions when those studying for their GED can get help, and I plan to have him work as a volunteer tutor/helper there, also. And I give him projects around the house to do--yard work, painting, equipment assembly, etc. No pay for any of that, even though he always asks for it. He's got it too easy as it is.

Providing a car when he's doing nothing, and the porn thing would have me pretty upset. Hope you gave him a good lecture about the porn. Along with watching your children, perhaps the volunteering will keep him busy enough to avoid the porn.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 9:27am
Thanks for your reply, volunteering is a great idea. It would at least get him out of the house and he would be doing some good. Maybe not getting paid will inspire him to do something for money next time. Right now he is visiting his cousin (w/my in-laws) and I am sure they are sitting around doing nothing but surfing the web and playing video games, which is the usual. Thanks again for taking the time to share your story, at least I know it's not just him. All of these ideas (yours and others) are really helpful.