Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Update
7
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 11:49pm
Back again and things have gone from bad to worse. Got a call from DSD's school this morning saying she'd been skipping again, not making any effort etc etc. Was an hour late coming home from school and DH had words with her...asked her to go outside and rake some leaves - she then ran away back to the school to speak with the counsellor and said she didn't want to come home. Counsellor then phoned Ministry of Children and Families and she is staying in a 'safe house' tonight. I am so sad, stressed, angry.... DH is absolutely beside himself - was sobbing tonight, the first time I have EVER seen him cry. He has been so stressed for so long - we all have - we just don't know what to do anymore or who to turn too. Ironically I had contacted the Ministry earlier today to see about getting DSD into a mental health worker. Now tomorrow we have to meet with a PROTECTION worker (what exactly they think they are 'protecting' her from I have no idea), a mental health worker and the school counsellor. Should be interesting. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
In reply to: peggyt37
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 12:07pm

I'm so sorry to hear what's happened. I hope things go better today. Please keep us posted as to how your meeting went.

All my best,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
In reply to: peggyt37
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 2:28pm
I'm sorry to hear things have gone this far.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
In reply to: peggyt37
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 5:51pm
The meeting was fairly unproductive. DSD still refusing to come home - I believe she is manipulating everyone involved so that she can do what she wants all weekend. She is now staying at my sister's where at least we know she will be safe. She ran away from the 'safe' house last night and the police were looking for her all night. She showed up at school around 10:30 this morning. We just spent 2 hours in the meeting with the Ministry of Children and Families and the school counsellor. This is incredibly stressful - my mind isn't even functioning properly at this point. I don't know why she's doing this other than her words of "I just want you guys to back off and leave me alone". In others words she wants to be free to go where she wants when she wants with whom she wants.... and as she appears incapable of making any responsible decisions at this time, that is NOT going to happen. Seems we're at a stalemate. I don't know...what do you do when your kid REFUSES to come home and yet is incapable of keeping herself safe????? We are NOT bad people or bad parents!!!! We have been trying to help her for years, counsellors, doctors, psychiatrists, talking, listening, giving privileges, giving trust (only to have it broken time and time again) - she's been on meds, off meds... nothing is helping and our family is falling apart. I don't know what to do anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
In reply to: peggyt37
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 5:33pm

Peggy-


I'm new here, just started reading about a week ago.

Sea
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
In reply to: peggyt37
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 6:31pm

Thanks for your response Sea. No we're not in Europe - we are in Canada and boarding schools here run an average of $40,000/year which is about $40,000 more than we can afford!! :( I think the outdoor adventure camps are a fantastic idea but again, very expensive - about $10,000 for 32 days. I've researched all these things on the internet and it is extremely difficult (read, impossible) to find anything that we can afford. Thanks again for your suggestions....we'll keep trying!

Peggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
In reply to: peggyt37
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 9:35am

Peggy-


I know the boarding schools and adventure programs are expensive and am sorry I didn't put it in my post.

Sea
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
In reply to: peggyt37
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 2:19pm

Hi Sea,

In your last response you wrote

"As an outsider looking in, just with the information you've posted, your DSD knows she is in control and can do whatever she wants, without consequences from you. Untill that dynamic changes, she will control your family's emotional health."

I think that we have given her just about every consequence we could possibly think of! She has been grounded, had the phone taken away (that's huge for her), lost privileges, been given extra chores, lectured, had all her 'gadgets' taken away.... I don't know what else we can do!! Anytime we try to force her to accept responsibility she runs to a counsellor and refuses to come home!! A few months ago we sat for 2 hours in her pediatrician's office after a routine follow-up turned into her begging to be put in foster care! She told us a week later that she just did it because she was mad at us (her and I had had a fight the night before) and she wanted to 'get even'. Believe me, I post this with reservations. I feel like it's just a matter of time before people start to wonder 'ok, what is really going on in this home?'! And that's one of the things that stresses me out so bad. How many times of her running away is it going to take before people start to question the stability of our home?? We have a two and a half year old daughter whom we love and adore to the depths of our souls. I keep thinking what if.....??? These people (the Ministry) have the power to come into our home and take our children away from us! I guess in my logical mind I don't really believe this could ever happen because I know we haven't done anything wrong other than try to protect DSD from herself. But things get misconstrued all the time and the possibility of that happening scares me.

As far as her being upset about her parents being divorced... I suppose that is a possibility but she has never known her parents to be together. They divorced when she was just a baby. I believe much of her psychological problems stem from her relationship from age 5-10 with her mother. BM told DSD that once when she was younger she had tried to commit suicide. :( Why she did that is beyond me. DSD literally would not let her BM out of her sight for about 6 months after that. Also, BM developed a habit of 'prescribing' her own personal prescription drugs (which she is addicted to) to DSD whenever there was any defiant behaviour... we have mentioned all these things to the counsellors and psychiatrists but it seems like so much damage has been done I question whether it can be undone. I came into DSD's life when she was nine - one year after she had been diagnosed with Tourette's, ADD, and OCD. And ever since the age of nine it's been a struggle... at times better than others but nevertheless always a struggle. The older she gets, the bigger the problems get - as now she is capable of doing long term or permanent damage to herself. I don't mean to sound selfish, but the toll that this has taken on each of us personally and on our marriage has been tremendous. My biggest concern right now (other than DSD) is for my DD who does not deserve to grow up in a 'war zone'. I am normally a very happy, easygoing, good natured person - but I sometimes wonder where that person went. For a long time all I feel is STRESS, sadness, anger, frustration, resentment, and hopelessness. When I am spending time with DD I put on a happy face but I know that children are intuitive and pick up on everthing.... it makes me so sad that I am incapable of being the mother that she deserves because DSD is taking everything I have.

Sorry for the VERY long vent!!!! Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts... (if you made it this far!! ;) I appreciate that there are sincere and caring people out there who can be a sounding board and source of support.... it helps more than you know. Thanks again.

Peggy