Update on 13yo Sneaky DD--BUSTED!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Update on 13yo Sneaky DD--BUSTED!
4
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 1:24pm

Yesterday's conclusion:

I left work and parked up the street where they wouldn't see me. Sure enough, DD and BF go into the house. I drive around the block and park out of sight, then walk up to the house. I was going to give them some time and then really sneak in, but I was physically sick to my stomach over this and just wanted it over so I went right in the front door.

DD meets me in the hallway with an innocent "Hi Mommy." (Mommy is always a giveaway that she wants something or doesn't want me to know about something.) I just walked past her into her room and told BF to get out of my house. He was smart and didn't say anything, he just left. I had DD get her shoes, jacket and something to entertain herself, told her not to speak to me. I brought her to the office and shut her in an empty office for the next 1.5 hrs while I tried to focus on work.

I called BF's Mom and told her I threw her kid out of my house. She is a client of my company and had to come to the office anyway, so we got to discuss it a little. Lucky for me, we're on basically the same page in terms of appropriate activities for the kids at this age.

On the way home I asked DD if there was anything she wanted to say to me; got the expected (and not particularly sincere) "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have had him in the house. It was a stupid thing to do." I agreed that it was a stupid thing to do, told her that she destroyed what little trust she had been developing and that she isn't able to be home alone now--that I would either find something for her to do or hire a babysitter.

Also told her "I don't know if you're listening but I'll just keep repeating this: you are NOT ready for sex." Gave specifics: It is NEVER okay for you to be alone in your bedroom with a boy. It is never okay for him to have his hands on your boobs, under your clothes, down your pants. It is never okay for you to have your hands under his clothes, on his body. One day is kissing, the next is touching, the next is more touching and pretty soon you end up having intercourse. It's more than a penis and a vagina and I know you may not agree, but you are not emotionally ready to handle the other things that got along with sex.

I digress... I got what I think is a good piece of advice from my own mom: Don't beat her to death with words. Make your point and illustrate it by the consequence actions. She'll get the point when she's not allowed to be home by herself, her activities are restricted, etc. I'm trying to do that. I decided not to take her out of cheerleading and am looking for summer activities for her. She wants to be a vet so I was going to try to get her a "job" at the local vet mucking cages and walking dogs. Now I'm going to see if they have a spot for her now and she can go after school.

Thank you all for your support. I'm sure I'll need it again... sometimes you just want to run away!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 1:50pm

I didn't have a chance to respond to your earlier post, but I think you handled exactly as you should. My mom always said the punishment should fit the crime and it did - can't be trusted alone, then you won't be alone. I'm glad the boyfriend's mom is on the same page too - that will help. I have a 14 year old son and I wouldn't want him hanging around his girlfriend's house when no one was home (heck, I don't want him hanging around her at all - LOL!)

Good luck!

Mom to Emily (18), Conor (17) and Hannah (12)
Wife to David - 8/20/88

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 3:54pm

Good for you! I think you did the right thing.

I found your "sometimes you just want to run away" statement funny - how many times have I got in the car and wondered how far can I go on this tank of gas!!! But then I figure I'd just be worring about them while I was gone. Motherhood Rocks doesn't it! They certainly don't tell us its going to be this hard. My friends have younger kids who are throwing tantrums in the store and all the other things toddlers do, I tell them "this is easy, just wait".

I don't judge you for reading your daughters journal. I've done the same thing. I also check her phone and text messages as well. Often I find things I don't want to know about, but like many have said on the board, I find ways to bring them up in a later conversation. Fortunately we have a good relationship and she tells me alot. I'm not naive enough to believe that she tells me everything however.

Stay strong. Someday when she is a mom she will realize you were doing the best thing for her and appreciate it. Heck, since my dd became a teenager I've appologized to my mom numerous times for the crap I pulled!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 8:52pm

All I can say is that if I'm ever in this kind of situation I hope I deal with it as well as you did! I thought you handled the whole thing beautifully - and boy, can I relate to the "feeling sick to your stomache" thing - you know you do not want to walk in on "that". Good thing too he was in the bedroom or she would have had a lot of excuses for you like "we never go in my bedroom, etc." I thought the sex speech you gave her was appropriate - she is after all, 13! - all there is left to say is "you go girl!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 12:16pm
I think you handled this flawlessly. I love that you asked her not to speak to you and then put her in solitary confinement. I doubt that I would be able to keep my trap shut during that car ride! Good for you. Sending you hugs and hoping she received the very strong message you sent.
jt