Update on 18yo Nephew

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Update on 18yo Nephew
4
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:36pm

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about reading my 18yo DN's MySpace and learning that he is involved in a lot of destructive behavior. His DF, my brother, was very angry at me for 'snooping', told me to mind my own business and indicated that he no longer considered me part of his family. He seemed to think that all the info on the MySpace was just youthful exaggeration and bragging.

Turns out that is not the case. DN is a senior in hs, has 4 classes and 4 F's. Drinking, smoking pot and getting behind the wheel of his car are daily activities. All the window screens on his house are bent and broken due to his sneaking out of the house.

His mother is apparently washing her hands of her son and plans on kicking him out of the house upon hs graduation ... if he actually graduates. So possibly even before. She is taking the 'he's 18 and bigger than me, (he's 6'6) he can do whatever he wants and I can't stop him.'

I feel so sad about this. After the way his mother treated my DB, it's hard for me to say anything nice about her or feel even remotely sypmathetic to her complaints that she had to raise DN and her other two children as a single parent. IMO, it was the choice she made when she served DB divorce papers in the hospital just moments after DN was born, and another set of papers for her new husband to adopt him a year later. BUT ... another story. She is an absolute fruitcake.

DN literally lives at the opposite end of the state (and California's a pretty long state) so I can't just hop in the car, drive to his house and give him a stern aunty talking to.

It just breaks my heart that he is headed down this road. If he gets into any trouble while under the influence and behind the wheel of his car, his life will pretty much be over. It doesn't look like college is going to be an option at this point either.

DN is my DB's only child; I just hope DB is now taking this all seriously and makes a conscious effort to intervene.

I'm hoping something good will come out of all this and my images of gloom and doom don't come to anything more. Maybe it's all just a phase and he'll get back on track before too long.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 1:12pm
I can only imagine how heart wrenching this is for you. This is one of those "hold your reath andhope for the best" kind of things - you really can't do much but offer support and send prayers. Does your DB live near him? I wasn't clear on whether your x-sil's (x?)husband formally adopted your dn or not - is he in the picture? Does your brother have visitaton? Sorry for all the questions - I'm just hoping that your DN can find some stable adult for influence (other than you, of course). Can't off much in the way of advice - just support.
jt
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 1:26pm

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Jules,

No you can't and probably shouldn't. I suspect that when the s**t hits the fan and he realizes what he's done to himself, he will need support. That's where you may come in. I would call him on a fairly regular basis and just ask how his day has been. He may not respond much at first b/c this may seem like strange behavior if he's not used to it but keep it up and he will develop a trust with you. My DN (22) can't seem to graduate college - he keeps starting over and over and over and over. To my knowledge he isn't a partier but he just can't seem to find his focus. I call him once every week to 10 days and just shoot the breeze with him for about 5 or 10 minutes. When he was home for Christmas he actually came to visit me and to talk about his plans for the future. He felt that I might be more objective than his very exhausted parents that keep nagging him to finish. We came up with a game plan and while he's not 100% focused yet it's better.

Just be there for him and don't loose what connection you have with him - he will need you at some point!

Lia

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:00pm

jt,

This whole story is a soap opera unto itself! After divorcing my DB and marrying her next victim, xsil had new man adopt DN. It's when THAT marriage fell apart 7 or 8 years later that she contacted DB, suddenly wanting DB to 'be a part of DN's life'. Read: She needed MONEY. DB did send her some money pretty much every month from that time on (even though he didn't have to) and saw DN when xsil would allow it. If she got mad at DB for anything, she would restrict his time with DS. She is pure evil, that one.

Xsil has been married and divorced 2-3(?) times, had multiple live-in lovers and many relationships since she divorced DB. NOT a very stable environment for any of her children. (She has a DD just a few months older than my own DD and I shudder to think what sort of example she is setting for that girl!)

DB live 5-6 hours away from DN. In his anger a few weeks ago, he wrote that he 'could always take the easy way out since legally, DN is someone else's son.' I don't think he really meant he would ignore the situation, but that IS the truth of the matter.

Thanks for your support -- it is one of those 'hold your breath and hope for the best' kind of situations. Until now, DN seemed to be the stable one in that house. He was the one watching his two younger sibs when xsil was at work, etc., was a staight A student, plans for college, etc.

Maybe I will send him a letter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:14pm

Jules,
i think a letter is an excellent idea. Keep it simple (I'm back to dishing out the "less is more" advice!) - tell him you are proud of his accomplishments (straight A's is something to be proud of!) and that you'll always be there for him.

His story is so amazing. It's one of the few bio vs. adoption stories that will NOT cause me to mount my soap box. This must all be very hard on your brother, which may explain - in part - his unfortunate response to your concerns about DN and his myspace.

It is too sad that his mom is such a mess. Even though her reasons for contacting your DB and reuniting him with his son were less than noble, at least some good came out of it.

jt

ps - just realized what a bad typing day I was having in that last post!