Update on DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Update on DD
9
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:02am

Okay about 1 1/2 weeks ago, 17 y/o DD broke up with her b/f of 2 1/2 years so that she could be single at some point in her high school life. Before him she had another one for a little over a year. This is her senior year and I agree that she needs to be single for a while. She didn't want to discuss this with me so I wrote her a letter telling her how proud I am of her for making this hard decision. I explained to her that we learn from our experiences and seeing a variety of people will give her more experiences to learn from. The first full weekend she was single, she hung out with a lot of different people and seemed to be really enjoying herself. She and her former b/f were still talking on the phone everday and usually those conversations ended in tears. She told me that they would probably get back together by the end of the semester - that she wants to have him as her b/f in college (they will be at the same school). On the one hand, it really irritates me that she thinks he will just wait around on her while she has all her fun but I also think she needs to see other people. I would also encourage him to date others if he were my son but he's not.

She told me Monday that they would probably get back together soon. He told her that he wasn't going to wait around on her to get this out of her system so she needed to choose - him now or possibly never. She said he was more important to her than seeing others so she would probably go back to him but that she told him he would have to talk to his little sister about the gossip she's been spreading about DD. His little sister is 15 and DD realizes that for some this what they do when they are upset and this break-up has upset his sister. She sees DD at school flirting with other guys and then she imagines big brother is away at school all alone and devastated and she blames my DD. I can understand how this girl feels and I accept that many teens do gossip. However, he's not all alone. He has all his party buds there with him and I'm sure he's fine. Anyway, when DD told me she asked him to 'get his sister under control', I added that I feel he needs to get his drinking under control before they get back together. At first she was a little defensive about that. But I reminded her that more than once last semester I heard them arguing on the phone way into the night b/c he was drunk and saying mean things to her. She didn't deny it and I let it go while I was ahead.

Tues night she asked to go to an out of town basketball game on Fri night with one of the guys she hung out with the weekend before. It's not far so we agreed. The next day she said the former b/f was coming home this weekend but she didn't think it would fair to cancel her plans for Fri night. I agreed with her. Now she's wanting to cancel the plans for Fri night but invite the former b/f to our house so no one will see that she ditched the first guy to be with the former b/f. She feels that if she tells the first guy she's decided to stay home Fri night and then actually stays home then she's not lying to him but of course she won't tell him about her former b/f coming over.

I really hate it when she does stuff like this. I just want to ring her neck. I feel like she's playing games with them both. She wants to have her cake and eat it too and the world just doesn't work that. I really want to insist that she keep the first commitment but then her former b/f would take that as further proof that I don't like him and DD would take it as mom meddling in her life. I also think that this should probably be one of those mistakes that I let her make and hope she learns from. But then I'll feel like an accomplice to this plan of hers and I don't approve of it and don't want her to think I do. UGGGGHHHHH!!

Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 1:20pm

Lea,

Always ready to listen. Consider yourself fortunate that your dd shares this much with you. That makes it hard for you in a way, but if you are to act like the friend she's confiding in, you probably need to just let her learn from her own mistakes. She's almost an adult now, and while she's given you so much trouble in the past you may feel like you have to be right there waiting for the other shoe to drop (I can relate), to me it sounds like she's a very normal teenage girl trying to find her way in the world and not doing anything so crazy or wild that you need to correct her. I would just continue to listen, if I were you, and offer as little advise as possible....

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 1:38pm
Thanks for the encouragement. I know I have to leave her alone and let her make these mistakes on her own but it's very hard to watch her doing something that will end up biting her in the rear end. I appreciate your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 2:34pm

I agree with mom dragonfly,

She is probably playing games in trying to sort out how much power she does have. Girls seem to feel good when empowered. Testing waters, and figuring out boys (and figuring out how dumb they sometimes can be, no offence intended my attempt at houmor) I would just keep listening and offer little advice ( I need to learn how to take my own advice)I have my own dd19 with boyfriend troubles, I also have a dd17 with a boyfriend who has become part of the furniture. All I am sure is pretty normal. Who would have guessed in a million years raising teens and watching them become young women would be so hard, tears of sadness, tears of joy, disapointments, excitement for them and crushing losses for them, such an emotional roller coaster ride at times. Will life ever really be sane again??? If anyone has advice on how to separate your own feeling from their feeling please bring it on.

Catriona

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 2:51pm

All I can say is I am getting really scared reading about you and Tobylady's stories, because I will probably be one of those moms that feels the pain, as well. Only thing that might be my saving grace is that my dd doesn't talk to me about stuff like that. I envy you guys, and feel sorry for you at the same time. My dd is only 14 and has only had boyfriends at school (that she thinks I don't know about) so I shudder to think what the future is going to bring...

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 6:09pm

Hi mom,

Just wanted to say to you I know it sounds scary and sometimes it down right is, but just enjoy everything you have one day at a time. There are many ups and downs, hopefully more ups than downs. I have always talked to both my dd's about anything and everything, sometimes I get some real strange looks from them. I am sure now that the strange look is meant to throw me off the trail ha ha, or times it is because they think I truly am crazy. Just try to keep commication open for as long as you can. I guess for me the biggest thing is learning to let go, this has been really really tough. You want to protect them from everything bad out there but it cant be done, some lessons just have to be learned. Also remember.............DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING THEY SAY PERSONALLY...........When is comes to teenagers most of the time they are not even thinking of you, its all about them. I wish us all smooth going through the roller coaster ride of teenagers..............

Catriona

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 6:48am

What a tough spot - I think this may be one of those situations in which you have to let your DD make her own decisions and live with the consequences. You don't have to support the plan, but if there will be problems in stringing these two boys along, they're her problems. She knows your concerns, and I think now you're stuck just watching and waiting. Maybe she'll handle it better than you expect. If not, she'll come back to Mom for support.

(((HUGS)))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 4:18pm

Well I must say I'm pretty proud of DD right now. Last night, she came home and announced that she was going to go to the basketball game after all. She felt that she had to honor her original commitment (plus it would be alot more fun than staying home - my words not hers). I'm not real sure what the b/f had to say but I gather from her slightly raised voice while talking to him that he wasn't happy. I'm very proud of her for honoring her commitment and for doing what she wanted to do and not giving into him.

I went and bought snacks for the kids to eat in the car on the way to the game and met DD after school with them. She looked very happy and relaxed. She even smiled at me and attempted to hug me. We bumped heads in the process - for once a good head-butting from this kid!

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. I knew the right thing to do but it's real hard watching them hurt and making mistakes. It's so tempting to jump in try to fix it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 5:38pm
Isn't it funny how things work out? I'm so happy for you!
jt
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: tobylady
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 2:41am

<<< I knew the right thing to do but it's real hard watching them hurt and making mistakes. It's so tempting to jump in try to fix it.>>>

I think you've just created the "parents of teens theme" in 50 words or less..:-)
Pam? Can we put this on the board, giving proper credits? lol

I'm glad things worked out well and you had a nice evening with your DD.