An Update on DS-17

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
An Update on DS-17
8
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:57am

Well, as some of you know, it's been a long hard road with my DS. He starts his senior year tomorrow and he has his own house in town, works full-time and rides his bicycle all over town.... he even bought his own school supplies, which really surprised me when I found out. He never was this responsible when he lived at home!

Well... awhile back he once again told me to stay the f*** out of his life, so I did. It was sooooo hard. I never called or visited, or anything.

Saturday night he calls and asks if he can come stay with me a few nights every now and then. Of course I agree! It's been the first time in months that he would even consider coming out here - cause in his words - he hates the country and he hates cows. And I believe it.

There was a huge difference in him. I hope I don't sound too optimistic.... but I realized that I was talking with a man... who talked to me in a more open and honest way than he ever had. Maybe it's because he realizes I can't do anything about it.. but he was asking my advice, and REALLY listening to me, like about a friend who was dating a meth dealer, some other problems dealing with alcohol and drugs, jobs and college, etc. (he's always refused to talk to me about any of this stuff) He would just blow me off.

We even went to a store this morning and for the first time EVER in years (!), took my suggestion on what shirt to buy. (remember my story of my mother's offer of all free school clothes last year, but he refused to get anything at all but one pair of pants because none of the clothes were cool?) I told him that it would be perfect for future job interviews (he's looking for a different job). And he looked at me funny, and said "Ok. I guess you're right." He's never EVER done that before. He would act like I was the stupidest person on earth when I'd make suggestions of any kind.... did I suddenly get smarter or what???!!

He even mentioned a former friend, who he said, "lied over the smallest thing, like I used to do." We spent 5 hours just talking and laughing, while he spent 2 hours working on my computers... like I'd asked him to several times in the past 6 months, but he wouldn't come out here to do it, just practically ignored me. BUT, I didn't even ask him this time, he just started taking them apart and putting them back together on his own.... results - one isn't any good (like I'd thought) and he cleaned and fixed this one!

He called tonight to see if I was still going to pick him up this weekend to come home and visit with DH (who works and lives out of town during the week). We're planning a bbq and maybe even have friends over.

He told me he loved me twice.

It's one day at a time, but I'm very happy.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 8:58am

Gives me hope for my DD15. SHe won't give me the time of day and it hurts but I believe in eternity and if I have to wait that long, I will. God knows that we only can work with what is available to us at the time. I am a good mother, My DS11 and DD4 tel me all the ime so I know it's just teen crap that is causing her to be so mean.
I hope that my DD comes around before too long (3-4 years maybe) and your post gives me hope for any kind of a future with my DD.

LARK

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 9:42am

"don't know what you got till it's gone"

I was very aware of a shift in my thinking from 'how can I make him do...' and 'how can I make him see...' to seeing myself react to my oldest the way I would react to a younger coworker.

When I shifted, he shifted

I still fall back into the old ways on occasion but I can usually tell from his body language when Im going there(you know your kid-its just a matter of looking for it)And I can USUALLY stop myself!

DH is a little slower. He has it in his head that if only someone had told him X, he would not have made Y wrong decision. So he wants to save our kids all those wrong decisions(yep, by insisting they do it HIS way)

I'm sorry you had to let go a tad earlier than expected but it's progressing well

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 9:49am
That's wonderful, zz!
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 11:22am

<<>>

Good! Cause there is hope!! Believe me!

When my son was 15, he threw temper tantrums and tore the house up, literally, causing so much damage that I don't even know when we'll be able to afford to fix all the holes in the walls. At 16 he was arrested in the front yard for deadly conduct, aimed at me. Calling the police and having him arrested was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. Shortly before his 17th birthday, he moved to town temporarily and then refused to come home. Legally, there was nothing I could do. And even wondered if that's what I *wanted* to do.

There's a poster on this board, who knows I'm talking about her here! But anyway, she's told us that something will snap in their heads between 18-20 (or pretty close anyway). And she was right, and gave me hope a long time ago.

Your DD will snap one day, too. Keep thinking about the long haul, or eternity as you called it! It will happen!

Thanks for your reply.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 11:34am

<<>

Yep!! I know exactly what you're talking about. Especially the part about talking to them somewhat like a younger co-worker, another adult. But I'm adjusting!

Thanks for your reply.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:37pm

Thank you, lady! And even though I didn't respond to your threads about Jason, know that I'm thinking of all of you.

<<>>

Yes, I am! And like I've said, it's kinda weird... besides just the obvious of now talking to an almost-man instead of a child... this is the first time he's been in our house since he grew a ponytail and goatee, and he's had another growth spurt and he's almost 6'4" now. Everyone that meets him thinks he's in his 20's.

And something else I thought of last night after I'd posted... he was soooo knowledgable about Israel, Lebanon, terrorists arrested in Michigan, the local Central Texas news...just everything! And he can talk about politics like nobody's business. We even discussed the latest independent running for Texas governor. I couldn't bring up anything that he didn't have at least some information on. Weird, weird.

I do wish he'd *grown up* here and instead of after he left. But things are definitely looking up.

Thanks,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 6:32pm

LOL zz - I won't say "I told you so!"


Glad to hear that things are turning around with your DS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 12:19am

Haha! I knew you'd know!!

He came and spent the weekend! He was an absolute joy to be around.... haha, I thought of the movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"! I swear, pods have invaded him!! I hope they stick around!

Thanks for your response,
zz