Update on DSD' car accident, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Update on DSD' car accident, etc.
9
Thu, 12-13-2007 - 2:10pm

DSD was in a car accident a couple of weeks ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 12-14-2007 - 10:57am


I can understand your frustration and I do understand that people tend to post when they are well, frustrated..

But, I am just curious, is there anything good about this girl.. Forgive me if I have missed it but I don`t remember anything ever positive being posted about her. If there was, it was qualified with a but... Again, I am just making an observation.

It is human nature not to want to be around people who well, see only the negative and nothing positive. If this is how she senses her father and her step-family feel about her, why would she want to sleep over....I am not saying that is how your DH, you and your two kids feel about her but it could be how she feels.

As for the car, she knows that the insurance will be canceled if she does not inspected. If it is not insured,she can not drive it. By the way, I have found that nagging never works. It just makes the nagged person feel even more inadequate and even more of a loser. It can also have the opposite effect. (On top of that the person calling was her step-mother. Sends yet another message that in the eyes of the one person in this world that she needs to feel truly cares about her, she is a disappointment.) If your DH ever wants to have any relationship with his daughter, he has to be the one to call. A simple call asking if she needs help in getting the car inspected would have gone much further than a nag call.

And, should it not be the grandmother you nagged. Your DH has signed away his responsibilities towards this girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-14-2007 - 11:15am

Some people just wait until the last minute to do things. Its their nature and I dont think its changeable.

I write authorizations for services for therapists. I have to give a 2 wk window but there are some I could give 4 weeks and they would still get it done ASAP. And there are others who will wait until the last day of the auth to set it up and, if disaster befalls, call me for an extension. I never give them more than the mandatory 2 weeks I am required to or my timetable would be in the toilet

And these are highly degreed successful professionals!!!

I can tell SD is like that and you are the opposite. Think of her as an annoying co worker but, past that, I think you have to live with it. At 17, this is IMHO set.

Your best bet is seriously to think of a coworker or distant relative who has these behaviors and treat her like that. I had to do this with my oldest son and it REALLY helped our relationship because it forced me to lose any thoughts of 'changing' 'controlling' or 'fixing'

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-14-2007 - 3:54pm

The reason I called was that she will not return her father's calls, but she will talk to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 12-14-2007 - 4:57pm


I was trying to word my post in such a way that your DSD feels that she is a disappointment not that your DH doesn't care. He would not get so frustrated if he didn't care. I've seen it happen in my own family. A wall of bad feelings and miscommunication gets built up over time. It takes a long time to break down that wall.

Your DH called and left a message (the snow storm) so she knows. Perhaps she had arranged to stay at the friend and had told grandma. If she wasn't home, maybe she didn't get the message. Grandma could have called when she got home with the message that DSD was fine.

Kids do things at the last minute, many have no sense of time. It's not a character flaw, just brain development. So, your DSD will learn the hard way. She will have to find other means to get around or her grandma and her will have to shop around to get insurance. And she will have to pay to fix the car. It's not the end of the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 12-14-2007 - 6:27pm

One other thing to consider here. Does your DSD have the confidence to take care of these insurance matters herself? I know you think she should since she felt strong enough to move out and refused to live by your DH's rules, but is she really that mature?

I ask that because I saw how immature my DS18 was his senior year when he was asked to take care of business matters like that. He totally lacked confidence, and I had to talk him through things before he'd make phone calls, apply for jobs, etc. Maybe you could ask/say, "Do you know what to say/do? Do you feel comfortable calling to take care of this? If you're unsure, you can ask me questions or we can role play before you make the call."

I guess I empathize with your DSD, and know how tough this whole accident/insurance thing would be even with the best of the best parents at her side guiding her; and then she's probably dealing with her buried feelings about the strained relationship between her and her dad, on top of it.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 12-15-2007 - 8:15am

Good point janet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Sat, 12-15-2007 - 1:42pm

I can only say the whole car thing with my kids scares me.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-17-2007 - 10:33am

I would say that no, she's not really mature enough to be able to handle things like this on her own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 12-17-2007 - 4:42pm
It's not easy to support them just enough to build their self-confidence, but not so much that we enable them to continue their laziness and dependency on us. I have a hard time with that, too, with DS18. (DS24 was easy in that respect.)

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM