update to I need advice. OMG!
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update to I need advice. OMG!
| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 11:58pm |
Well, I tried to have a heart to heart with DD tonight. It seemed to be going really well. We were really communicating. Then she asked if friend "J" came home with us from school tomorrow to go to dinner if she could go home with her on Friday. I said no. She flipped out. Not just about that either. (I told her I dont like her cussing or making references to drugs and sex on myspace.) She says I am too controlling. I said "I'm not too controlling, your just testing every boundary we have established, am I suppose to let you run wild because your 13 and want to spread your wings?"
What gets me is I was VERY CALM throughout the whole talk, then she just lost it when she realized I wasnt going to cave in when it came to the friend. I was still calm after she started stomping around. THen she actually screamed at the top of her lungs out of frusteration. Then I got right in her face and said, "You are THIS CLOSE to having EVERY PRIVELEDGE TAKEN AWAY, AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS GIRL OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL"
I dont know what to do. I will keep standing my ground as best I can, but she makes me forget which way is up. DH is working long hours right now so he isn't even home before she goes to bed (maybe that's a good thing, if her were her there would be 3 people yelling instead of 2).
The other thing is, she really thinks she should be able to post whatever she wants on myspace. (Bad language, sex references) But she has it set up where family members, and people from a church we use to attend can see this. Its really embarassing because we did not raise her to be that way. She says I care too much about what others think. IM SO FRUSTERATED!
What gets me is I was VERY CALM throughout the whole talk, then she just lost it when she realized I wasnt going to cave in when it came to the friend. I was still calm after she started stomping around. THen she actually screamed at the top of her lungs out of frusteration. Then I got right in her face and said, "You are THIS CLOSE to having EVERY PRIVELEDGE TAKEN AWAY, AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS GIRL OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL"
I dont know what to do. I will keep standing my ground as best I can, but she makes me forget which way is up. DH is working long hours right now so he isn't even home before she goes to bed (maybe that's a good thing, if her were her there would be 3 people yelling instead of 2).
The other thing is, she really thinks she should be able to post whatever she wants on myspace. (Bad language, sex references) But she has it set up where family members, and people from a church we use to attend can see this. Its really embarassing because we did not raise her to be that way. She says I care too much about what others think. IM SO FRUSTERATED!

Amy,
I went back and read your original post on this topic, not been around here a whole lot and I somehow missed it.
first of all - deep breathes, and calm down. FWIW - you did the right thing
now a few comments.
let your dd calm down. the screaming and yelling - while they are not healthy behavior - they pretty much go with the territory of raising a teen. *in the end* your dd will undertand that you are a good mom, and you did the right thing. it is your job and responsibility to set these boundaries and stick to your guns.
the other thing is this: <<>>well does she have a point? are you too concerned with what others think? the POINT regarding her behavior should be, actually, the difference between *right* and *wrong* PERIOD, and not vis a vis "what others think". but it doesn't really matter - the point still is that YOU are the parent and YOU set the rules.
hang in there...
You're doing fine - it's not always easy to be a parent and set boundaries but you are doing the right thing.
I love what Pam said about not wanting the pastor to see it. I teach a computer literacy course at the local community college. One of the first things I tell my students about e-mail is that if you don't want your mom, grandma, pastor, child or boss to see it don't put it in an e-mail. I get alot of eye rolls but I continue to stress throughout the entire semester. But with a 13 y/o, I think I would focus on teaching her about self-respect and what does that language say about her as a person b/c at 13, they honestly don't care what adults think about them.
I would also limit the time with this friend at the friend's house. DD won't like it but I would give her a choice - here or nowhere! It would not be open for discussion at that point.
It is your responsibility to protect your child's physical and emotional well-being and if you feel that this friend is a danger, then insist on them seeing one another in your presence so that you can get to know her better. You will know when it's time to let them do other things outside your home. Just trust your instincts.
Good Luck!
I know how frustating your daughter can be. I had a son just like that. His behavour was very much a result of drugs. You might want to drug test your daughter just to be sure. That is up to you, but one thing I know from experience with my 26 yr old and also my 15 yr old, we as parents CANNOT look our 13-yr. old in the eye and essentially threaten them with anything. When we are 4 years old, we can get away with that, but not with a teen. I am in a Families Anonymous group that has taught me a lot about the way I respond to my teenager. I cannot fly off the handle when he says something that I don't want to hear, or when he responds to me in a tone that I don't like. I have to let him know that I respect him and that I expect the same from him. I'm so sorry that you are having this trouble. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck.
Judy
Oh my gosh....BEEN THERE, DONE THAT....HAVE THE T SHIRT. My daughter is 16, but when she was 13 going on 14 she communicated by screaming. It was so difficult to maintain my calm, and a lot of times I didn't. But....in looking back, maintaining my calm when she was flipping out....and most importantly, sticking to my guns...was the best thing I could do. I felt like Jello afterward on a lot of occasions, but I think secretly she respected me for standing my ground, and I also think it made her realize that I was NOT a pushover.
Good luck, and just know that there are other parents who are in the trenches with you.
Nancy