Update on Mean Girl and DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Update on Mean Girl and DD
21
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 5:47pm

This is an update to the saga of my DD's ex-friend spreading lesbian rumors about her in middle school. We have now found out that this girl is going around to each of DD's current friends and telling them that DD "likes" them and that is why she hangs out with them. The few that are left are ignoring it, but apparently that is what happened with her last set of friends and they left her. She can't even have sleepovers now because of this!!
Anyway, I escalated to the school and was hoping something would be done. I called today and the counselor basically said they were monitoring the situation. She has been watching DD at lunch and she doesnt' appear miserable with her new friends and that it should just die out. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?
What happened to ZERO TOLERANCE?!
I vented to DH and he asked what I thought would happen. I said that they should have at least disciplined mean girl for rumors, sexual harassment and bullying, and disciplined DD if she was doing anything in retaliation.

It didn't even sound like they spoke to anyone who would have witnessed anything, just mean girl and DD...and mean girl's parents who requested a meeting with school.
DD is now in tears. She is desperate as even the adults in her life can't help her!
I can't beleive they are dropping this!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 7:21pm

How about you go see the counselor in person? Its easy for them to dismiss something over the phone, hang up with you and move on. But when you are there in front of them stating your case, they have to face you and explain their position better. What facts do they have, for example, that situations like this one just eventually "blow over"?

You might state to them that just because your dd doesn't look miserable doesn't mean she isn't and that you don't want to wait for the situation to become desperate. These are middle school kids and this girls' parents should be contacted and brought in and failing that they should be punishing her appropriately.

Now I have to be quite honest...when I was growing up when bullying was an issue and schools didn't help out my mother's advice to me was to retaliate. I'm not suggesting that for your dd but I would state this to the counselor ie if they don't address it now it may escalate beyond anyone's control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 6:50am

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Why?

I don't want to diminish in any way the anguish your daughter is experiencing. It sounds horrible, and I agree with you that the school personnel should be a little more proactive.

But, using "she's gay" as an insult is so narrow-minded. On the one hand, if she were gay, would that make her friends like her less? Then that would make me wonder if they were really good friends. The TV show "Degrassi" did a whole season on boys coming to terms that one of their friends was gay - and his real friend made a point of showing how a sleepover did not put anyone "at risk". On the other hand, saying "you're gay" implies that being gay is just about the worst thing anyone can imagine. Sounds like the whole gang, including your DD, needs some education on how being gay is not evil.

I am a big anti-bullying advocate - I don't think this "mean girl" should get away with it - but I think the way your daughter "fights back" is by showing that the "accusation" of being gay doesn't affect her. Have her find one or two REAL friends who aren't scared to come to your house, and host the best darn sleepover anyone ever had!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 7:22am

Great post! Even if the counselor does nothing but monitor the situation, we can still use it as a teaching moment for our kids.

In my opinion, though, it seems the counselor should at least call the bully in to her office and have the discussion about "gay is ok" and what constitutes harassment.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 7:33am

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It may be BECAUSE of a zero tolerance policy that the counselor is reluctant to call the bully into the office. Because zero tolerance policies often require the WRONG punishment and do not consider individual circumstances, staff may hold back in accusing students because they know the punishment is ridiculous. If the school code of conduct calls for a 3-day out-of-school suspension for bullying, that's what this girl would get. Does her bullying call for this? Will the suspension change her behavior?

Yes, the bully needs to be reprimanded and some punishment is probably in order. I think the whole group of girls should be called together, and the bully should have to tell all her friends, to their faces, that she lied about your DD. And then she should apologize to your DD in front of all the girls. And then she should have to write a paper summarizing the pro-gay and anti-gay positions in our society. Maybe you could add more to that. But an out-of-school suspension will do little to change her behavior, and will teach the other girls nothing.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 7:34am

It's horrible that your DD is having to go thru this, but I kind of understand where the school/counselor is coming from.

Bullies target the weak, and the more adults intervene in this situation, the weaker DD will appear to the bully. The best thing your DD can do is to tell the bully to "shut the F*** up" in the strongest, most self-assured voice she can... or something to that nature anyway. And then carry on as if the bully is totally inconsequential in the whole scheme of things.

I know that a parent's first instinct is to protect the child, but at some point the child also has to learn to protect him/herself. Sometimes these middle school fights are a bigger deal to the parents than they are to the kids.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 9:11am

Thanks so much for all of the responses.
We spoke again last night and I did tell her that she will need to stand up for herself.
We also talked (again) about her reactions to mean girl, and the other girls. She used to shrug it all off, but I think she is just really beat down by the whole thing. I am hoping today she will walk in with a little more confidence and at least pretend to brush it off when the girl starts up... or I may get called to school for a fight...not sure which :)
I usually don't get involved other than a little motherly advice, but this one really seemed to drag on and seemed pretty severe. I think I will back off again and see how DD handles it now. I have opened the door for the school to monitor so it is now up to DD to try to handle it again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 10:50am

This happened to my DD13 but on a smaller scale last summer. Her "friend" since age 3 was the one that started the lesbian rumor at the beginning of summer camp. She was totally shunned by all the girls and said it was the worst week of her life. I wished she wouldve called me from camp because I would have picked her up but she didnt. :(

Anyway, this friend who I'll call "C", is the queen bee of the group and whatever she says and does, the others follow - kind of like Regina in the movie Mean Girls if you've ever seen that. Even DD's friend who wasnt really a friend of 'C', turned on her as well. The label kind of stuck when they began school in September but as time has gone on in the school year, it all kind of diminished and as far as I know, is not an issue anymore. HOWEVER, "C" still causes trouble - makes her rounds with all the girls. One week she likes you and so does everyone else and the other week you're on her hit list. Fortunately DD has two "fallback" friends that she's known for quite some time, not popular girls like "C" and the group but always there for DD when she needs them. Told DD to take a step back and evaluate the situation - easy to tell who the "true friends" are.

The whole thing makes me sick and the bad part of our whole situation is "C"s mom is my best friend so I can't really say anything. SIGH. I feel so bad for your DD but I'm betting it will all blow over in time. Just be there for her if she needs to talk. Maybe her new friends will be the answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 10:56am

I am sorry that your DD is going through this. Middle school years can be the most difficult of all I think. By the time they are in h.s., the schools are usually bigger and there are more groups of friends to hang around with. I could see back when my DD was in middle school how people could gang up on any person who was different, didn't have the right clothes, etc. and it's all because of their own insecurity.

I do wonder if you getting involved w/ the school will just cause the mean girl to hate your DD more and make things worse. I know it's really hard to ignore someone who is causing you pain, but of course bullies only keep bullying when they get a reaction. If your DD can adopt the attitude "who cares what you say? You aren't important to me" even if she doesn't really believe it, then maybe the girl will eventually get tired of it.

And I certainly wouldn't play into the mean girl's hands by not having sleep overs because she is calling your DD gay. If she's not gay and her friends know she's not, then why can't she have a sleep over, even if she invites only 2 girls? Are they afraid of being called gay too? That's pretty sad.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:12am

I agree with Rose's approach. Our dd17 experienced this type of verbal abuse/rumors back in her freshman year of HS and we tried some role playing scenarios at home, wherein H and I (and her one remaining friend) gave dd some good comebacks. I even told that it was okay with me if she imparted a little profanity into her zingers. I told her at all costs, she must avoid physical contact or even the threat of physical contact, which she did. She was finally able to stop this one really really mean girl who had been on her since 5th grade (!!). DD just turned on her like a viper in the hallway in front of the other kids, the 'popular' group, and even a couple of teachers - she let that mean girl have it and good. The girl never bothered dd again, ever. One of dd's teachers called me about it and I was sure he was going to tell me he put in a complaint against dd, but instead he called me to tell me how proud of her he was for finally taking a stand against the mean girl! Apparently, dd wasn't her only target.

Best of luck with this - it's difficult to take a step back, but if you arm your dd with plenty of courage and some really good comebacks, she should be okay. >< fingers crossed for a good outcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:25am
Thanks for the response
We have been working on come backs, and I think DD has tired of all of them. I am sure she will let Mean Girl have it once and for all in the near future.
I am also looking at a local Christian turned Charter School where there are fewer students. If we move her next year, she will still get to play UIL sports and there is a better ratio of teachers to students. I know it will not stop this sort of thing, but at least they will have a better handle on the situation if something does creep up.
DD adamently refuses to switch schools, so we discussed that she will need to own up and stand up to mean girl and get it stopped. If she can't do that, then we will need to switch schools as I will not have her self-esteem ruined further.

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