Update on Mean Girl and DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Update on Mean Girl and DD
21
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 5:47pm

This is an update to the saga of my DD's ex-friend spreading lesbian rumors about her in middle school. We have now found out that this girl is going around to each of DD's current friends and telling them that DD "likes" them and that is why she hangs out with them. The few that are left are ignoring it, but apparently that is what happened with her last set of friends and they left her. She can't even have sleepovers now because of this!!
Anyway, I escalated to the school and was hoping something would be done. I called today and the counselor basically said they were monitoring the situation. She has been watching DD at lunch and she doesnt' appear miserable with her new friends and that it should just die out. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?
What happened to ZERO TOLERANCE?!
I vented to DH and he asked what I thought would happen. I said that they should have at least disciplined mean girl for rumors, sexual harassment and bullying, and disciplined DD if she was doing anything in retaliation.

It didn't even sound like they spoke to anyone who would have witnessed anything, just mean girl and DD...and mean girl's parents who requested a meeting with school.
DD is now in tears. She is desperate as even the adults in her life can't help her!
I can't beleive they are dropping this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 1:03pm

I'm going to direct you to this link:

http://www.netfamilynews.org/samantha0510.htm

This young lady is a good friend of my DS18. She was bullied for a number of years (both in person and on the internet) with the very same rumors your DD is suffering.

Unfortunately, changing schools did NOT stop the rumors - in fact, nothing did.

However, this young lady took it upon herself to make this work for her. She is now a Miss NJ finalist en route to the Miss America pageant, has done TV and film work, is an accomplished award winning actress, and is one of the sweetest young ladies I've ever med. Her mother is a good friend of mine and has shared the horror of her ordeal.

Her response? Her platform for Miss America is now "NJ Cares About Bullying." She works with agencies in our capital and on task forces to educate students, teachers, and others about the effects of bullying and how to stop it.

She has risen above this and done well - and we're all proud of her for it - it was a horrible experience for her.

Show your daughter this link - google her name and see what she's done with her life. Perhaps there's an agency like this in your state with someone who can come out and speak to the school - letting the students know that this is unacceptable and intolerable.

Good luck to you and DD - I know this is a tough situation, and you never know what's too much involvement, and what' not enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 1:07pm

I have to disagree with you and with OPs. If the victim simply ignores the comments, the bully will find another target. Eventually some poor kid will be emotionally traumatized by it, maybe enough to commit suicide.

Some adult needs to be told and do something about it. If the school will not act, how about calling the bully's parents? Very few parents would be proud of a DD who bullies others. If I were the mother of a girl who went around calling other girls gay, to the point that the victims lost most of their friends, and could not concentrate on their schoolwork because of the mental anguish, I would want to know that my daughter was doing that. And I would make her apologize and isolate HER from her friends so that she would understand how her bullying makes others feel.

Remember, Columbine started with bullying. We never know what will set the next person off.

I don't believe a child who is bullied should have to change schools to get away from it.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 2:42pm

I agree that the poor girl shouldn't have to change schools, but you assume that her parents are reasonable people. There are some parents who either (1) wouldn't believe that their little angel is actually doing the bullying or (2) wouldn't care because they aren't good parents.

I agree that it's a tough call. I remember when my son was taking karate that the instructor advised the kids to deal w/ bullies by walking away and trying to avoid a fight because it didn't mean that you were weak by not wanting to fight. However, then he added that if you had to fight "fight w/ all your might." I know he didn't want some immature kid going around saying "I know karate, I want to fight you" but he didn't believe in people being walked all over either. So I guess these lessons could also apply to emotional as opposed to physical fights. If you can't get the person to stop just by walking away and ignoring her, then you have to stand up to her. I think that's a great lesson that has to be learned in life, how to stand up for yourself so people won't take advantage of you. And it's pretty hard to do for someone who may be only 12 or 13 and doesn't have that kind of personality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 2:43pm
Thanks. This was my first reaction as well. And it crossed my mind again this week with several school shootings across the nation. We have actually spoken with the girls parents twice...they are our next door neighbors. You can search for my first post for more details. I am with you..if I find out my daughter did anything to this girl, or is bullying another girl...I would do everything in my power to stop her and make her apologize. Unfortunately, not all parents feel this way. The reaction I received was that "it is not just one sided"....I do feel that the parents may have told her to stop..but this girl is manipulative. She plays games, like buttering up my daughter pretending to be nice, and when my daughter won't play the game, she tells her mom that DD is the mean one. She flat out lied to her mom and me, in front of my daughter, when we confronted her. She blamed another girl for the rumors, after DD watched and heard the words come out of her mouth. She is extremely smart and cunning, and I honestly don't know what to do to stop her anymore.
I am hoping DD will stand up to her. I am also checking into some emotional counseling for DD to help her self esteem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 2:55pm

I most adamantly agree with the last poster. Why should the victim have to run away? Why should the victim have to resort to profanity and aggression (perhaps putting themselves on the same level as the bully)? And if the situation requires adults to solve it, why does it have to be adults at the school... why can't the parents be the adults who solve the situation?

I feel very strongly about this, and I have personal experience as the mom of the bully.

I had a phone message a few weeks ago from a mother of a classmate of DS (call her C). Well, before I even called that mom back, DS was on the carpet and told clearly to spill the beans. The story (from DS and the mom) was that my son and his friends had been calling C (age 13) names for weeks. The mom told me it was affecting C's schoolwork and that C was often in tears. I tell you what -- I was GLAD that mother called! I don't want my son behaving that way. And how can I correct him if I don't know about it!

This mother's call to save HER child, gave me an edge to save MY child (from being a bully). It gave me a real life lesson to use in teaching my son right from wrong. And I promise you, the message got across very clearly to my son. He ended up writing a long apology letter to the girl ASAP and apologized in person. I took it VERY seriously and DS knows it was a serious thing. In addition, it gave DS and I a chance to discuss the impact of such behavior on others. He had no idea it could hurt someone so much. This was a lot more meaningful to him than the class he was taking at school that was supposed to teach against being a bully. The school class was just entertainment... a boring class to slide through. Believe me, there was no sliding at home.

Since these kids are still in middle school, I vote for CALL THE BULLY'S PARENTS! If your child was being physically hurt to a significant degree, you wouldn't think twice about intervening. Call! Those parents might appreciate knowing just as I did.

(BTW, the mother of the girl at DS's school was almost in tears when I thanked her for calling and told her to call anytime. She said she had been trying for weeks to get the school to take action and no one did anything. She also was not thrilled to discover her daughter had been cursing at DS and his buddies. Now both sets of kids know there is a "village" watching over their behavior.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 3:02pm
Thank you so much for the link. I am in tears reading it as it sounds like my DD's experience, almost exactly. I just hope it doesn't get physical in high school like Samantha's did.
I will send DD the link and maybe it will give her a glimmer of hope that she will make it through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 3:17pm

I also hope your daughter's situation does not escalate to the point Sammie's did. She has worked through her issues but admits it was a horrific time, and her mother can almost be reduced to tears talking about it. If you met her, you'd be shocked that anyone would want to hurt her.

For the record, changing schools did nothing to help her - basically because, now that we're in the internet age (and especially with facebook and myspace), moving to another school doesn't prevent one school's students from contacting those in another school as it did when we were kids.

She's a wonderful girl (if you get a chance, check out Law and Order Criminal Intent on Tuesday night - she dies very well LOL). She's so much like the "girl next door" it isn't funny - and she smiles all the time.

And she takes great pride in bringing the anti-bullying message to people - in hoping she can stop even one person from going through what she did.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 3:21pm
I'm sorry to hear that didn't help.
Here is one other idea. Some schools have a peer mediation program. Kids with a conflict can take it to the peer mediators for resolution. I've read articles from kids who swear it works.
Is this something your school has? Or could implement?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 7:50am
Bless you!! I didn't think there were any parents of bullies out there who believe their child might be in the wrong. In all the years I've been dealing with and watching the goings on at school, I have yet to find a parent of a bully who can admit that his/her child is wrong. I wish there were more parents like you out there.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 11:46am
Well, maybe a difference is that DS isn't "really" a bully (as far as I know). He just was being a butthead. LOL
But thanks.
karen