Update on "Rotten end-of-junior high"

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Update on "Rotten end-of-junior high"
6
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 8:34pm
DD told me today that she has been finding out that one reason two of the girls that she had been friends with were turning away from her is because the ex-guy friend ("male queen bee")told them things she talked about behind their backs. She had told him that one girl was an "intellectual snob" and that she felt sorry for the other girl because her "brother is strange". The male queen bee actually told her today - laughingly - threateningly - that he will poison as many kids against her as he possibly can.

I told her that since she really liked these girls, she should talk with them about this and, if, in fact, she did say these things, bite the bullet and admit it, say she won't do it again and ask if they will forgive her.

So, she might be able to at least do some damage control, but the guy friend is a "man with a mission".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:12pm
You've just ruined my belief that guys don't do this as much as girls do.

And irregardless of what your dd has said, every single girl that age has broken confidences or said things about others that, if it were known, were bother whoever they talked about.

But beause no matter what, it's still not 'right', it's great that your dd is going to own up, apologize and try to sort this out. Good for her. I hope she also tells them that he's threatened to try to poison as many people as he can. I hope she asks them to come and ask her up front if she's said anything else that he might tell them. The fact she's 'coming clean' this time will be in her favor; she could tell them that she'll tell them the truth and that they will know she will because she is *now*. She COULD just as easily have lied to them and protested mightily that she had NOT said the things he said.

WHAT has gotten INTO this guy anyway?

Good luck to your dd, marykid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:47am
Hi, Kkiana,

Thanks for saying that "every single girl that age has broken confidences...." I agree. I just didn't want to sound like I was making excuses for her behavior. I DID tell her this, too, just so she would keep what she'd done in perspective and not look at it as some huge crime against humanity. I also think it was good, in a way, that it happened. Maybe she will stop the adolescent cattiness at an earlier age because of this experience. Like you said about your DD, these experiences are painful but they do help a person grow and develop into a better human being.

She emailed the "her brother is strange" friend and hasn't heard back and she phoned the other friend. That friend (who is a very mature and kind girl)was really happy that they had a chance to talk. My DD admitted to her that she had always felt that she could never top her academically, so had made the "intellectual snob" comment out of envy. The friend told DD that she really appreciated the call and that she could never have called someone like that if she'd had a fight with them. So that's on the way to mending, I hope.

As for the guy: I know exactly what you mean. That is not typical guy behavior. Well, I would be very surprised if sometime during high school he does not come out of the closet. He is more like a female friend than a male friend in behavior and mannerism. This might explain his behavior a bit.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:33am
What a great opportunity for your dd to learn a little humility. My dd has had to eat crow on a few occasions and it really has helped her to learn how to keep certain thoughts to herself, plus learn a little discretion, plus she learned that sometimes you can't trust your 'supposed' friends. Hard lesson, but a good one.

And it's true, all kids go through crap like this, most usually girls, and especially between the ages of 12 and 16. I am surprised that a boy is the antagonist in this scenario, but I do remember a boy like this when I was in 7th grade. He turned out to be gay....lol...ahem. "Not that there's anything wrong with that"- Seinfeld.

Happy day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 5:27pm
Good for your daughter. That took guts and integrity, esp not for just owning up and apologizing but even explaining where the comment had its origin.

That thought about the boy did cross my mind actually, altho it's not always what a gay guy would do. Hopefully he'll open his mouth just once too often and to the wrong person.

I'm willing to bet that the girl your dd apologized to this a.m. and your dd become even better friends. When a wrong is admitted and discussed and forgiven it often builds bonds not otherwise built. Hope she had a good day today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 12:36pm
I just joined ParentsSoup because I saw your message, and can really relate. Yes, been there, done that! Hope things are going better this week, but for what it's worth, here's my "two cents."

My DD went through this same stuff in 7th grade. I did lots of research at the time (plus I tried to remember what I went through at that age), and I discovered that kids from Gr 7 through 9 or 10 can and will be irrationally mean and torturous. And personally I think it's worse nowadays 'cause kids have less moral guidance and supervision than ever. My DD had the exact same experiences as yours...she went to a very small private school, and girls that had been close friends since kindergarten turned on her. It was awful.

Unfortunately, I have regrets about keeping her in that small school. As good-intentioned as my DH and I were,I think in the long run, kids do better at that age when they have a larger group of kids to choose from. Well, how could we have predicted that all those fun years at that school would culminate in the horrors of 7th grade? She lost every friendship of every girl (about 4 really close ones) that she knew since kindergarten, and became the class "outcast" for no reason at all except that we didn't attend the church that ran the school.

Because of the 7th grade "torture", we pulled our DD out for 8th grade and it was the best thing we could have done. She makes friends fairly easily, and by that time, her value system was fairly intact, so we could trust her to make new friends that were fairly well behaved. She found it difficult to be the "new kid on the block", but at least she had girlfriends to talk to. However, I realize that it is too late in the school year for you to do THAT, but I'm only mentioning it because you're right about this very important fact...high school will be better because at least she can switch friends if there's trouble. I would advise your DD to make as many acquaintence type friends at high school as possible, to be open and friendly to as many classmates as she can...that way she won't "get stuck" in a clique if they suddenly decide to shun her.

Secondly, I don't know what your relationship is with her school administration, but when my DD had trouble with kids shunning her at her private school, I talked to the principal about it. I mean...I didn't want to be paying all that tuition just to have her be tormented every day! The principal talked to the offending kids about it; it wasn't a cure, but it did help with some of the girls. Maybe he or she could call at least the girls in to have a "talk-out" about what happened. This might work if you're on fairly good terms with the school and keep calm about it, without making a huge deal out of it (some principals don't seem to like making big deals about this kind of stuff even though it's ruining our kid's school year!).

Thirdly, it's great that your DD admitted (& is smart enough to figure out) that something she may have said caused this trouble. Unfortunately, kids will pick up on ANY LITTLE thing to decide to start a war. (That queen bee boy does sound a little feminine in this regard IMHO.) My husband has advised our DD so many times to "count on whatever you say coming back to haunt you!" She finally has learned her lesson in Grade 9 that this is true, and finally is keeping her mouth shut. Keep reminding your daughter not to trust any friends at this age; unfortunately this is very true. Besides, she has YOU to confide in about the important stuff.

Fourth, and unfortunately, this kind of stuff will keep happening because of the way kids are. Please take my kind advice and try not to "detail" every episode like this...it will drive you and your kid crazy. TRUST ME, I did the SAME THING...every day I was so tense wondering what torment my DD went through...getting the LATEST blurb on what every kid said. So, trust me, I'm not judging you! I'm trying to tell you what's AHEAD because I had to learn the HARD way. It's great that your DD tells you everything...my DD does too, and it's been a lifesaver (especially now that she wants to date!). But TRY to just listen to all the details, and then just give GENERAL advice. Like, "You know, you're a great kid, you're gonna have a great time this summer and in high school...let's not talk about Johnny X anymore today...we should feel sorry for him becuase he must be unhappy to be causing all this trouble." You can advise her (like you already did) to apologize to any of her girlfriends for any remarks she made...that's a great idea. She should also follow it up with a "I'm sorry, I want to be your friend again, can you come over this weekend?" Girls that age tend to forgive each other quickly if there's a promise of a get-together or a sleepover.

Lastly, constantly remind your daughter that other girls are going through this at this age. That fact really seems to help my DD. I think I've said, "Kids are like this at your age" about a thousand times, I'm not exaggerating. Your DD really doesn't have too much time before the school year is over...so keep reminding her of that fact and that it will be much better in the near future. High school is better for my DD because of the sheer numbers of kids...she can now ignore any nasty girl (or guy) and switch over to another classmate for friendship. You can't do that in those small schools.

Also, DM, keep in mind, at least you don't have to worry about the dating thing yet. That's what I've been dealing with this school year in grade 9, and that's much worse! LOL

Sorry for such a long post, but I really can relate to what you're going through. If you want any clarification or want to comment, please post back. If you want some encouragement for your DD from my DD, please also let me know. It helped my DD a lot when she found out other girls had gone through this. Kids tend to think that they are alone in everything, and they're not.

Avatar for chyndra2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:18am
I am very surprised that boys do this type of thing. ( By the way, I like the term "Male Queen Bee"). It is, unfortunately, a reality that if you gossip, then there is a very good chance that it will get back to the person you gossiped about. Your dd's behaviour is normal - it is easy to get sucked into saying things about others and then regret it . I'm sure your dd's friends will come around eventually, but she will have to be straight with them....and admit what she said was wrong...As for the male queen bee, what a jerk...does he have any male friends, or does he just hang out with girls? I'll never understand how people like male queen bee get so much attention and so many followers...Your dd definately should let as many people as she can know what male queen bee wants to do...Good luck. - Chyndra