UPDATE - son driving me crazy
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| Fri, 03-31-2006 - 8:52pm |
Hi again everyone!
I just want to first say how thankful I am to have this board. Those who responded provided me with great suggestions and its nice to know I'm not the only one in this situation. I have friends and family members to talk with but sometimes its nice to talk with people who dont really know you on a personal level.
Anyway...just an update - some good, some bad. First we'll start with the bad. Son came home Thursday at around 5 pm and went to bed. About 10 pm last night I get a phone call from our local law enforcement. Apparently back in October, YES October, my son was chatting on MSN with some girl he knew from school. He started telling her about how he was going to bring a bomb to grad, nothing that will kill anyone, but something that will emit some sort of gas and make everyone sick - said he heard about it on some internet site. He said also said something about a hunting rifle. The chat went on like this for awhile. The girl printed it off and gave it to the police. The police took it and tried to get a search warrant for our computer to check and see if there were any visits to "how to build a bomb" sites and that sort of thing. Columbine comes to mind. The judge would not give the cop the search warrant and thats when he decided to come to us, the parents - almost five months later!! So needless to say I was totally mortified, upset, you name it. He said the reason they didnt tell us sooner is because they've had some instances where the parents were told and then they've erased the history of the sites to protect their kids. Understandable I guess but five months is one hell of a long time to wait as far as I'm concerned.
Now, my kid may have behavioral problems but I seriously dont believe that he would do something like this. He's never been a physically violent kid and I've seen a softer side. I think its more of an attention thing but nevertheless, when he was out I rifled through his room big time but found nothing. I checked the computer in his room - unfortunately the history only goes back 30 days - nothing out of the ordinary. My computer which he was supposed to have done this on (he didnt have his at the time) has been rebuilt since then so no way to check. I work for a company IT department so I'm going to talk to them on Monday to see if there's any way I can check his computer back when he first got it. I read the cookie post on this site and tried it but didnt show a thing.
I told the officer that he has left school,wont be back and definitely wont be attending grad - he didnt know that so I'm assuming he hasnt been in contact with the school. We both agree that he probably doesnt understand the seriousness of what he did even if it was in joking, for attention, whatever. My husband and I are bringing him in to meet with the officer on Tuesday so hopefully that will scare some sense into him about doing such idiotic things. I'm not impressed with the way the police have handled this so I will definitely have a few other things to say to them.
Now for the good news. Son was offered to work with his dad when he quit school (husband has his own contracting company). When my son got up at 6 this morning he asked dad if he could go to work with him. Dad said sure so he spent the day with him and earned $50. Husband said he didnt do much, was kinda lazy (no big surprise) but the fact that he made the attempt was a hopeful sign. He said he'd go back and work with him on Monday so we'll see how this pans out. The two of them have never gotten along very well (much of this is due to his behavioral problems I think) so this could be a good thing or a bad thing. I'm hoping for good!
I havent talked to my son since the horrific Wednesday night episode but I will tomorrow. He's gone back to the dysfunctional friend's house for an evening of video game playing. Sigh!
One quick note about the counselling though. I did take him about 3 years ago to a therapist at the suggestion of his school counsellor. Like some of the other posters said of their kids, he just sat there and didnt say one word for two sessions so we never went back. Kinda hard to counsel somebody who has no desire to be there.
So....there is good and bad at this point. I didnt sleep at all last night because of the bomb thing and I'm still quite stressed out but I'm hoping things are on an upward turn. Thanks again for all your support.

I would have been so very nervous about the whole bomb thing. Just having to talk to the police about this would have made me shaky. I do agree with you though that he was probably not serious (if for no other reason than 5 mos have gone by and he hasn't taken any action). I also would talk with him about the seriousness of that type of remark. I too would probably have to have a word with somebody about them taking so long to notify you and not notifying the school at all. On the off chance that he was serious, someone in that child's life needed to know.
I am glad that he has shown an interest in working with DH. I know exactly what you mean by this could be a good thing or a bad thing. Oldest DD and DH do not get along very well. I used to leave her with him when I would travel on business thinking if they were forced to be together w/o me around to referree then they would have to figure a way to get along - it only got worse. After about 4 trips, she flat refused to stay home so I took her to my mom's and let her stay there. They are slowly working on building a relationship and it seems to be working pretty well now that she lives 2300 miles away from us and they only talk over the phone.
Maybe between a few days in construction and the talk with the police, DS will realize that he's in the real, grown-up world now and it's time to start acting like it.
Good Luck and hang in there.
hugs again....
I don't know what to say about the bomb thing - while i agree that the police did not proceed in a normal or effective manner, i still would be extremely concerned. talking about bringing a bomb to graduation, even if it was done in the context of trying to 'impress' a girl, is NOT what i would consider normative behavior. even if he doesn't actually DO anything - the fact that he would be thinking, talking about it, investigating it - points to a problem.
again - i don't know how you can get him to therapy - but he needs to get to therapy. and i again stress that it is extremely important for YOU to get help on how to deal with him. for example, you said that DS was offered a job with
Is it possible the girl just turned in the copy of this conversation now?
That would makes sense-perhaps she was concerned enough in October to make a copy but didnt say anything until he dropped out of school, causing her to worry more-after all, at that point hes angry and less attached to schoolmates
I would be careful about complaining about how things were handled until you have the entire time frame. It seems really 'off' somewhere.
Well, working with DH ought ot give ds something to put on a job application in the future. It's hard to imagine the setup working out for long-at least for me-I think mine would be oil and water!!
No, the copy of the transcript was turned into police in October. The officer showed me the transcript and I read it word for word. I honestly think he was doing it to impress this girl (how that would do it I dont know) but still, for him to think about something like this even in joking is a serious matter. I think his visit to the police station on Tuesday will be a shake up for him big time. When grad weekend comes in May, I will ensure he's kept very busy or away somewhere at that time just to be on the safe side.
My husband definitely wont put up with his laziness for long believe me! He has NO patience for that kind of thing so if the kid doesnt put out that will be it for him. He was with my husband from 7 in the morning until 6 at night so thats 11 hours. He told him at the beginning he'd pay him $8 an hour but apparently during part of the day there was no work due to lack of materials so told the kid $50 not the $88 for the day. He seemed satisified with the $50. To be honest, I dont see this arranagment working out for very long but at least there's some hope there. We'll see what happens on Monday morning how motivated the kid will be in working. Next week will be an interesting one to say the least!