Update teen/counselling - new twist...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Update teen/counselling - new twist...
10
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 10:56pm
Well, my hand may be forced, and I'm going to have a talk with him in half an hour. After his blow up in class on Tuesday he's had two more, although not quite as "violent". (I swear to god, I never knew what "rage" looked like until I've seen his face in one of those tirades). Anyway, the teacher's aide who was in the class with me calmly informed me today that she referred him to our school counsellor! I'm SHOCKED that she'd go "over my head" like that...no way is a child under 16 supposed to be referred for counselling without the permission of the parent/guardian in our school. The long and short is that the school counsellor called me...she'd actually thought that *I* asked Susie to contact her! But she contacted me because she does NOT think that she'd have much luck with him, especially if he was sent against his will. She agreed with me that doing so would push him right back to not even considering counselling. BUT this gives me a little more leverage - if he won't go willingly, I don't have to take the huge risk of making his placement here conditional on it. I can now, tactfully, diplomatically, set it up as "do it this way and you have full control, or the school is going to do it their way.". God - I dont' have time to wait for your advice or feedback, so all I can say is wish me luck, and say a prayer for me if you are the praying kind!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 7:38am
good luck and please keep us updated
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 8:09am

Good luck with your discussion with your son. I hope he agrees to go to counseling - it sounds like he needs help with his emotions and rage.

(((HUGS)))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 2:52pm
IT WENT WELL!! When I spoke to the school counsellor yesterday, she actually recommended a local expert in severe disorders (ADHD, ODD, Generalized Anxiety and Post-traumatic Stress) named Keir **, so I was thinking of that as one possibility. I invited A. to go for a drive with me, and broached the subject of counselling. He was resistant at first, so I told him what happened at school, and that school really wanted to see him in some counselling, and he already KNOWS that Child Welfare does, and wouldn't he rather do it on his own terms so he has control over it? Almost right away he said "I'll go to counselling if it is with Keir **!" (I hadn't even mentioned the name!!) So I hope and pray that Keir IS available. I then asked if he'd come with me to my family counsellor today, and he agreed. We had an okay talk there - she asked him what he'd do if Keir wasn't available, and he said "No Keir, No counselling". So she said "What if it isn't about you? What if you come as part of family counselling - with Stasia, or other family members from time to time?" and he AGREED!!! Of course this is no magic bullet - and the counsellor told me to expect this to be a LONG, SLOW process...but I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. I feel that this is a HUGE step for him to take, and I'm just hoping he doesn't tell his dad and have his dad try to sabotage it. (that is the source of the negative comments like it being only for "crazies". Also,his dad is forced into it as a requirement of Child Welfare, so A. probalby also regards it as a bit punitive in nature. ) I also got the BEST compliment. The Family Counsellor has seen me twice, and has been supportive when I tell her what has gone on and how I've reacted, but today after he stepped out, she said "WOW! You two have an amazing relationship and you are doing a GREAT job. You should have started fostering years ago!" (insert happy dance)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 2:57pm
Great news!
I hope things can settle down after a bit and he can channel that anger positively.
He sounds like a nice young man who will do fine when he gets over some hoops.
Keep us updated as to his progress.
D
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 11:54am

Isn't it great when you get real kuddos from the folks who see troubled teens and foster parents all the time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 1:08pm
Thanks, Rose. I know that backsliding is possible, and also that he can quite likely lash out at me and push me away from time to time. I don't think that makes it any EASIER, but at least I can be prepared for it :-) I HAVE already had moments where something will happen like I'll say "I love you" and he'll snap back with "Well, I don't love you!" and I just say "That's okay - you don't have to." or when I reach out to touch his shoulder or some other simple gesture and he says "Don't touch me!" but I know that soon he'll turn around and give ME the biggest hug. I just have to let him set the pace, but make sure that he knows I'm always there. Thanks again for the BTDT advice :-) I don't recall if you ever mentioned...how did you come to meet/get S. in the first place?
Stasia
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 1:10pm
Thank you. He DOES have a lot of wonderful potential, but I think it is going to be a long, long road to help him reclaim himself and find a successful future. I'll have to work at focusing on the baby steps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 10:09am

Looking back, S has touched my life since the day he was born, but at the time I didn't know it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 1:58pm
That's quite a story! Thank you for sharing it with me, I enjoyed every word of it. It does sound like it was "meant to be", but also kind of tragic that he had to grow up WITHOUT you for so long. I'm guessing you wish you could turn the clock back and take him when he was a baby. At least that is how I feel - I did not meet A. until this year, but there are some startling correlations .... he was born in a commmunity 4 hours from where we currently live, but only 20 minutes from where I was living at the SAME time. He came to live in this community the same year that I did. He lived down the street from me for quite some time, although I didn't even know he existed at that point - I don't recall ever seeing him. Now I look back and think how different his life might have been if I'd been available to foster him the first time he was apprehended, when he was one and his mother's boyfriends were beating him up. Or the two times after that. Or when he was six and she died and they were looking for a home for him, and finally decided to give him to his uncle, even though they had grave reservations about him. Or when he was nine, and they couldn't find ANY foster home, and so sent him to a residential school for a year. Or ANY of the total of 14 times he was removed before finally landing here. *sigh* - I guess it is a feeling of loss/regret, but the fact is I GOT him at 14, and I don't know how long we'll have them, so we just have to work with what is right in front of us. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 10:13am

I know what you mean about not being able to be there for him earlier in his troubled life.