update...hugs needed....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
update...hugs needed....
Sun, 06-22-2003 - 1:15pm
I posted this a few days ago on a different board I frequent, now I am wondering what you people think. I am much calmer now, a few days after this discussion took place:

last night my son said something to me that got me thinking. for those who don't know my *history*:

I am in a very bad second marriage, I have one son from a previous marriage, no more children. my husband suffers from a variety of issues, I don't know if they are emotional or mental, or combination, but suffice to say that he is a very angry and unhappy man, basically dysfunctional (or somewhat functional for short periods of time, then goes into depressive moods). I don't *know* what the problem is because he refuses to deal with it. to complicate matters, I got cancer about 3 years ago (about 2 years into the marriage), and it took me time to recouperate and understand what is going on in my life. I am now at a point where i *know* that I will get divorced, at some point, but felt that even though my son *hates* him and they dont' get along at all (no violence or anything), for financial as well as social reasons I (and the therapist we are seeing) felt that it would be better to stay put for now. so --- I was unhappy for a long time, but I am not unhappy any more. I am living my life, and putting alot of energy and effort into my son, I work, I am going back to school come fall, I exercise, I have friends. I just don't really have a *marriage*


last night, my son and i were talking about some friends of ours, also in a second marriage, with kids from BOTH sides, and since the new husband did not get along AT ALL with two of her kids (it was horrid, the police were called every other day, etc) --- she ended up *giving up* her two kids - one is the same age as my son, and they were in the same class for a few years. and we were talking, and I said that I know how hard it was for my friend to give up her kids, and I am not judging her, but I would not have done that, I would not have given him up. and he looked at me, and said "well, you did give me up because you chose to stay married to H and I am suffering".

welllllll..... thrown for a loop there. I wish I could just pick him up and remove him from this house, but I have to be realistic. I am not talking about being *rich* but I don't even have the ability to pay one month's rent on my salary, even in a hovel. and I felt that I would bide my time, and leave when I *could*.... it is just so sad for me to have my son say that to me. I think he *wants* the marriage to work, on the one hand, so he will have a *family*, but on the other hand - he doesn't like H. (I feel the same way!)

my son has been *depressed* for a while, and not going to school, thankfully he seems to be pulling out of it, but it is a long haul and I don't yet see the *light* there. at least he is talking to me, and to the therapist.

and its easy for people to say "well, just leave, just get a different job". and believe me - I have tried. but I live in israel, and the economy here STINKS, and all the high paying hi-tech jobs are gone, and the salaries are about what I am getting anyway. and government assistance is a joke, even if I am eligable. sigh....

hugs please....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-22-2003 - 3:58pm
{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} sk ....

It's soo difficult to be caught between how we perceive practicalities of living and our children's needs; our own needs and torn feelings about someone we don't love and yet have compassion for at times too...

When I felt I couldn't leave my own unbearable marriage because at the time I wasn't even working, had no control over finances and a potentially violent person to deal with, I stayed for awhile. It reached a point one day that I had to leave and choose my mental health and trust the rest into the hands of the God I believe in; the one who took the Israelites out of Egypt, fed them manna in the desert. And all of what I needed came together without my saying a single word to anyone. It took a lot, and a long time to come to that point, but I did.

There will come a time when you, too, will cross that invisible last barrier, sk. When you will choose in spite of whatever surrounding circumstances you are caught in. There will come a day when the *how* isn't going to matter as much as being freed of it. For some reason it is easier to take those steps of faith when every other way you turn looks worse.

Hang in there. Talk with your son. Let him see that you are not infallible and that you, too, hurt. For him. For your dh. For yourself. For all the people out there suffering in situations in which they feel trapped. And tell him that hope springs eternal and that one day what needs to come together, WILL come together and to join his faith and trust with yours so that you feel united together.


Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 12:09am

I"m so sorry for you that you have these problems.

I will remember you and your ds in my prayers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:11am
Here's some hugs. But I would explain to your son that you did not "give him up." You did not send him to live somewhere else because you chose your dh over him. You have every intention of moving out, but sometimes things don't happen in the time frame you would prefer. Hugs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:11pm
BIG hugs, sk1960. I am so very sorry that you are dealing with so much. It sounds like you are a survivor. I know it must test your strength every day, though.

Thank you for sharing this with us. Many people try to make their lives look "perfect" and it takes a special type of person to be able to admit that life isn't going so perfectly.

I will keep you in my prayers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 12:55pm
thank you wonderful people, as usual, for the good words, the advice, the hugs... I am sitting and writing up budgets, calling goverment offices to see what assistance is available (nadda!!!), etc etc. thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 4:49am
It's really bad when you feel so trapped. I hope and pray that you will find a way out of this soon.

One question I had. You didn't mention any family of your own except for ds. Would they help if you asked them? I am sure they would if they knew the full situation.

Best of luck to you hon,