Vanity and Egos

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Vanity and Egos
5
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 10:10am

I love my dd14 with all my heart, but she is really testing me lately. She has become the vainest person over the summer. She has meshed into the popular crowd. She is an upcoming freshman and recently has been befriended by a sophomore and is meshing with many of the upper classmen. With this has brought her the attention of many of the upperclassmen guys. One in particular is one of the most popular guys in the high school. She met him at her new sophomore friends birthday party and he was hitting on her pretty bad. Apparently his girlfriend had broken up with him recently. He tried to kiss her and she wouldn't let him (he did kiss her on the forehead) and he kept holding her hand. He left her some really cute messages on myspace and on aol before he left for football camp and now while he's at football camp, he's been calling her. Did I fail to mention dd has a boyfriend that has been out of state for the last 2 weeks? I think he's coming back to a big surprise and I feel for this kid.

I'm kinda more worried about this new guy playing her. Dd has heard about some list that the upperclassmen have with a point system. She TOLD me about it and she had made the decision to totally stay away from upperclassmen - well this went out the window. I don't know what to say to her that gets heard and not rebelled against to where she becomes part of this "game"! She is good friends with this guys brother and I like to think that he's a good guy and would warn dd if she was getting played - but hey he's a teenage guy too!!!

After dd told me about the list, I was so happy she was going into high school with a boyfriend, I don't think I am going to have that security to hold onto much longer. She has so many guys chasing after her right now, it is starting to go to her head. Everyone keeps telling her she can do much better (for a boyfriend) - but this guy adores her and I don't worry about her with him. I KNOW he's not playing her....

She also has her best friend of the last year that she is leaving in the dust. She (her best friend) has done some things recently that dd (and I) doesn't "approve" of and dd says thats why they are growing apart. The bf can be a little witch to dd so, I'm not really too upset about this part (very unsupportive best friend).

How do I get her back to reality before the bubble bursts? I'm not very good at the "active listening" part of life and tend to interject my opinions too often. I don't want to be judgmental sounding, I just don't know what to say to bring her back to earth while still being supportive....




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:24am

This is hard. Every parent eventually comes to this point when they have to ask themselves when to hold on or when to let go. It is very normal at this age for childhood friends to seperate and start to meet new people and explore new interests. And it is so easy for pretty girls or attractive guys to get inflated egos when they are getting chased. Who wouldn't?? It sounds like you are doing everything right - keeping the lines of communication open is so important. And having general conversations about these topics is a good way to try and get your point across without making them all about DD or sounding judgmental. Sometimes watching a movie together that has this very topic in it would be a good way to broach the subject. There are so many where a kid becomes popular over night and then loses all his friends or they find out Mr. Popularity is really a jerk - that sort of thing. As much as it hurts to stand by and watch just keep reminding yourself that DD needs to learn from her experiences and her mistakes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 8:34pm

This age is a very difficult one. They are going through so many changes it is hard to keep up. My DD met a senior the summer before her sophomore year and cheated on her b/f for a while. The b/f finally got wise and broke up with her. There was alot of drama associated with this thing but it turns out the senior wasn't using her - he really cares about her. They are still together - 3 years later.

I would have a discussion with her about the game and the point system. Just remind her about it and ask her to be careful and to think about her b/f's feelings. That's really all you can do. Be very careful though not to alienate her - if she gets hurt, you want her to feel comfortable crying on you shoulder.

Good Luck!

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:41pm

I totally agree and greatly appreciate your input. I'm "trying" to let her spread her wings and learn who she is, I just don't like seeing her relying on her looks. She always was a vain one, but I thought it was under control and it's hard to see it rearing it's ugly head again.

The best friend she has been blowing off, contacted her tonight out of the blue and told her she (bf) really needs her (dd) and dd swore she would always be there for her. The best friend has made some bad decisions (lack of parental support) and "little miss perfect" has been a little too quick to judge. She saw that in herself tonight and felt bad.

I think my biggest concern is this game - it just flat out terrifies me. I asked her about this one guy earlier and I "think" she's handling it okay. She is interested in this guy, and isn't sure where it's going. I asked her what this guys brother thought of it (she and the brother are good friends) and she said he was saying to watch herself. So I guess only time will tell!! *fingers crossed*




Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:43pm
Thank you, she and I had a pretty good talk - about all sorts of things and she's saying everything right, now I can only hope she follows her own words of wisdom!!



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 4:45pm

I'm glad that talk went well. I promise you she heard and retained alot more than you think she did. I remember one talk with DD. We were sitting on the steps and I would have sworn she didn't hear a thing I said - she was watching the butterflies. A week later she repeated something I said in that conversation word for word. Almost three years later, she told her b/f's little sister the exact same thing. They do listen to us and even consider what we say (though they would never admit it - at least not at 14 or 15). Also remember that these talks must not be a one time thing. A honestly made a secret appt with myself to do have this discussion with DD once a quarter. Pretty much said the same thing just in different words and at different locations - a walk in the field, sitting on the steps, e-mail, stuck in traffic on the interstate, etc. Talking in the dark works pretty well too.

Good Luck - it's not an easy road but your DD is worth every single minute you give her!