vent 17.5 yr old, alcohol & 'my space'
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| Tue, 02-28-2006 - 11:23pm |
Hello,
This is long. Sorry.
My stepdaughter is infuriating. I used to enjoy her company, but it's getting to the point where I can't stand to even be in the car with her. She makes decent but not great grades (Bs), participates in athletics, and is generally polite at home. However, she has messed up in a big way several times: (just to name a few) shoplifting and teen court; hosting an alcohol party before I got home from work which sent a kid to the hospital with severe alcohol poisoning; hosting a 2nd alcohol party that prompted a police visit but she is such a pathological liar (or should I say academy award winning actress) that she convinved the cops that only a few girls were over and they were dancing to music in the living room ?!?!?! You get the idea . . . .
We have gone through the usual punishments: She lost the door to her room, was grounded, lost her phone and laptop, TV, had to delay getting her learner's permit/license, etc. Nothing seems to faze her. We also tried counseling. She charmed the counselor, and we got nowhere.
After the most recent alcohol party incident, I started tracking her messages on My Space (I'm slow . . . should have been doing before). I have just learned that she has been drinking every Thursday a.m. before school (and probably during track meets of all things, but the evidence isn't as obvious). My husband thinks she is bragging to her friends to be cool, but I doubt it for several reasons.
1.) Her HS runs on a block schedule on WEd/Thur, and even though she doesn't need to be at school until 10:00ish, she is leaving at the regular (read early!) time.
2.) Other friends from her school have made similar comments about how much fun they have on Thursday mornings.
3) She doesn't use the phrase "I was drunk"; she refers to "we" and names other people.
I am at a loss what to do. She has lied to me so many times (my husband works afternoons/evenings, so I"m the one who has to deal w/ the crises), I don't beleive anything that comes out of her mouth. My husband is at the point where he is saying, "well, her grades are decent, she is on varsity soccer, etc., we shouldn't worry about her drinking; it could be worse." But I'm thinking, drinking at 7:30 in the morning!?!? Is that not a bad thing?
I was considering confronting her and re-grounding her under this rationale: If she can get Bs when she is drunk during the week/prior to school, then she is capable of earning all As under optimum circumstances; thus, she is grounded or loses other privileges until her grades improve. (Though when she is grounded, honestly, I get resentful b/c I have to police her). ANd, of course, there is the issue of how does one discipline a student who is practically 18.
Any suggestions would be welcome, and thanks for listening.

Well, you're right, it does get more difficult to 'ground' an almost 18 year old. But instead of using that kind of logic with her, how about you allow her to suffer the consequences? At this point, it's only a matter of time before her behavior catches up with her and she suffers some real setbacks. I know this sounds crazy, but like you've said, nothing seems to phaze her and you've tried everything you can think of.
Some things you can do for YOURself are seek counseling for you - you probably could use the opportunity vent and bounce your frustrations off of a professional; possibly you can learn new techniques to be firm with SD and detach from her behavior in a loving manner. Letting her fall on her arse is hard to do, and you could probably use some support, since your H doesn't seem to be doing so. You need to keep yourself sane while she's going insane and a professional will probably be able to help you do that.
In the meantime, you can set some ground rules. Tell her up front what you know and how you're not going to constantly be nagging her and picking up the peices for her anymore. HOWEVER, she needs to know the ground rules, such as no friends in your house when you're not home, no money/allowance, and a curfew of whatever you two can agree on. Then, lock the door and even set an alarm so when she's late, it goes off. And put the computer in your bedroom or in a room that can be locked so she loses access to it altogether. We lost our computer last year for 6 months and I have to say, my house was very peaceful. Now that we have it back, my kids can't even be bothered with the internet except for music. We totally got rid of AIM also - no chatting at all in our house. Life is good. Why give her access to the internet at all? She doesn't deserve it if she can't use it appropriately and responsibly, right?
Perhaps if your DH saw her wasted face to face, he'd take things more seriously. Maybe SD is lying on her myspace, but maybe not - probably not. My neice drinks vodka straight from the bottle at least once or twice a week before going to school at 7:30 AM - everyone knows it and on her myspace she actually condemns drinking alcohol of any kind because she KNOWS her mom (my sister) see it. They are clueless and think she's an angel.
You know, at a certain point, you have to start thinking about the fact that she's old enough to suffer the consequences of her behavior and your own sanity. It sounds like you're at that point. I hope things get better.
Where is she doing the drinking on Thurs a.m.? Are they drinking in the parking lot at school? If so, I would notify the principal. I still might notify the principal if there are several doing this. I know this may sound like passing the problem onto someone else but if they are actually going to school after drinking then it is a problem that needs to be dealt with by the school. Also, if she has to start facing disciplinary actions by someone other than yourself, she might get the message.
If she's not doing this in the parking lot at school, is she drinking somewhere else and then driving to school? Is she riding with someone that has been drinking? She could not only be endangering herself but others. Let the punishment fit the crime. Who owns the car? Who pays the insurance? Who buys the gas? I would certainly not fund such behavior. Also keep in mind that if she's a minor and hurts someone, you and DH could be held financially liable. If she's 18 and if your name is on the title, you could also be held somewhat responsible.
If the police show up at your house again and your not home, I would definitely call them on their lack of action. My DD was at a party that the sheriff's were called to. They checked to see who was drinking and who wasn't. DD wasn't so she got to drive home. She was barely 17 and they didn't see fit to call me and tell me. You better believe that the sheriff received a phone call from me. If my minor DD is at such a party, I think they should notify all the parents. The drinkers were simply allowed to call parents to come get them. This included some that were over 18 but not yet 21 (legal drinking age). I truly believe that if some of these kids (repeat offenders) were actually hauled in, this would make a huge difference. Sorry - got on my little soapbox.
I know your hands are somewhat tied since she's your SD but she is very, very lucky to have you in her life. You seem to truly care about this situation and are trying to work to resolve it. I would suggest that you attend counseling with an adolescent counselor. Yes I know you are not a teen but they can help you understand why the teen is doing what they are doing and how for you to best deal with it in an effective manner.
Good Luck!!
Thanks to both of you for writing.
I think they are drinking at someone's house, but it could be possible they are doing it in the parking lot at school. She doesn't yet have her license (and can't go off with either of our cars). Contacting the school does give me a new avenue to consider, however. I tried to convince my husband to start bringing her to school on those days, but it wasn't a go.
Even though the police never intervened, we did notify all the parents I could contact about the party. My stepdaughter and I went to every parent's home, and she had to tell the parents what she had orchestrated and how. There were people at the party that she swore she had no home phone number information for, but whether she is lying or truly doesn't know is anybody's guess.
I wanted to complain to the police about their lack of vigilance, but with all the chaos I didn't follow up. I'll have to be more vigilant next time (though I'm hoping there is no next time!).
just throwing in my 2 cents. I find it interesting that YOU are worried about your sd, but her dad isn't. Do you ever lay awake at night worrying, while DH sleeps as if he doesn't have a care in the world? You are listening for a door to open, voices, music, the dog next door, whatever. He is sawing logs. I figured this out a few years ago. I used to lose a lot of sleep over things that I had no control over, things that were my problem because they lived in my house, but that were really his problem (at the time, it as a boyfriend with children who had issues) and he chose not to deal with any of it or lay awake worrying. I finally turned on him. Told him I didn't care what happened with his kids, it wasn't my problem and if he chose to do nothing, that was his issue, but I was washing my hands of the whole mess. I chose to not do any more worrying, but in the process, got him quite worried. The tables turned. HE began losing sleep, laying awake worrying, thinking about what he could do next, should do next, how HE could best protect his children. He did all this thinking while I peacefully slept.
It took me a long time to figure it out. As long as I was worrying, he didn't feel like he needed to. I was worrying enough for both of us, so he wasn't worrying at all (and blowing me off the same way your DH is.)
If you can turn the tables on him, make this entirely his problem and no longer your problem, he will sit up and take note. I notice HE'S not here wondering what else can be done. HE's not marching her over to friends houses, or calling the school, or wondering why the police or couselors are doing nothing. Give him an education, set boundries for yourself and then let it go.
HE has to figure out what she is gonna do after school until an adult is present. He is essentially tied your hands, and sd knows that. If you can't both play on the same team, the parent team, then you don't need to play at all. Draw very deep lines in the sand, refuse to be moved. If she is having drinking parties in YOUR home when she is there alone, then she can't be there alone. If he wants her to have these kinds of parties, you can't be a part of that and you have to be willing to make ultimatums that you can live with. Seems to me, he's leaving all this on your shoulders, when it's really his job, and you are "only" the step parent (hardest job in the world!!!) SD knows this. It's high time your DH knows this.
If drinking before school is ok, at 730 in the morning, bring him a beer. Tell him this is an appropriate time to drink. do this often. Leave him a note in his car with a wine cooler and an apple, telling him this is his breakfast, and the apple is optional. Make a strong point. Most people understand that drinking is reserved for evening, after the day is nearly done, and food is in the body to help absorb the shock.
Give him literature, stories, about teen drinking and the outcomes. Some of these stories might have a positive outcome, but many of them end in death, rape, gutters, abuse, horror. He's just not thinking, not worrying, because you are doing all the worrying for him. (BTW, I still do most of the worrying in my house...)